Straight Allies: The Importance and the Realities

via HuffPost Gay Voices, Jack Antonoff

2012 is a strange time in the fight to end inequality. On paper we are closer than ever before, and although this is true, our country is also becoming more and more polarized as a byproduct of this undeniable progress.

While it is important to celebrate each victory large or small, there is obviously still a great struggle ahead. Our roles as straight allies of LGBTQ Americans are becoming not only clearer but increasingly vital as we go further down the road toward change.

We have reached a moment in which wavering apathy is simply a non-option, as it is an endorsement in itself of the treatment of LGBTQ Americans as second-class citizens. As straight allies, we have to realize that the time is now to take a critical look at ourselves and to question how and where we are allowing hate to exist and, therefore, to breed.

A large part of being an ally is establishing ourselves within our social and professional circles as people who will not tolerate homophobia in any form or under any circumstance.

This is also, in many ways, the hardest part. It goes without saying that bringing up weighty issues can be awkward in social situations -- even more so, standing up to a colleague or a friend.

My experience has led me to believe that people are excessively uncomfortable and often upset when homophobia is pointed out in social settings.

I can't even begin to count the amount of times I have been called a "buzzkill" or, worse, pre-warned to keep my mouth shut before entering a dinner: "So-and-so's parents are super religious, so don't bring up the gay rights stuff."

That felt seriously dark even to write, but nonetheless, these are actual words that have been said to me, and I believe they reveal a great deal -- namely that we as a culture place social comfort over right and wrong.

We would rather let hate speak linger among us than endure that awkward moment when someone points out that something is simply not acceptable. It is that same part of the brain that can't locate the words to ask a cab driver flying down an avenue at the speed of light to just slow down.

Social paralysis is strong and stands firmly in the way of change on the ground level. As allies, we have to prepare ourselves to step into the fire when necessary, even -- and especially -- when said fire is merely a still-lit cigarette tossed carelessly onto the street.

Of course, the majority of us would speak up in the face of outrageous bigotry, but do we speak up in a social situation when someone casually refers to something as "gay"? If we don't, we are standing with the homophobes whom we are quietly fighting.

Saying nothing is saying that you are someone who is OK with hate, while saying anything establishes you as an entity that will not accept it in any form. Awkward? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

Homophobia is not only rampant; it is tolerated, and those of us who intend to speak up in its ugly presence are often looked upon like oppositional teenagers just trying to get a reaction. However frustrating it can be, these are the scenarios in which we have a real opportunity to make a difference.

Unlike racism, the verdict on homophobia's social acceptability is still out. Hate mongers will always exist; we can't change that. We do, however, have the power to back them into corners and illuminate their ignorance, making them as irrelevant as possible.

As we have seen with racism, the more we as a culture choose to cease to tolerate it, the less visible it becomes, and therefore, its influence is monumentally decreased. As a result, life becomes better for those oppressed, laws change more rapidly, and equality is achieved sooner.

You can bet that the more we make a scene in the presence of homophobia, however minor it may seem, the more progress we will make toward its greater silencing.

Personally, this is something I encounter constantly in the music industry. Being a heterosexual male in a band comes with a certain misogynistic stereotype that, in effect, leads people to assume that they can safely use offensive terminology that perhaps they wouldn't in front of, say, a teacher.

This leads me to another vital role of any ally: recognizing the specific power we each have based on who we are and what we do.

There is no question that the issue of LGBTQ inequality has a stigma of being a "gay issue" and not the human rights issue that it is. With this comes an assumption that heterosexual America doesn't have to care, because, well, it's not their problem (or as stated above, "they didn't come for me").

I personally believe that this way of thinking is one of the most threatening to human equality, and that "straight apathy" is a major roadblock in the fight towards faster change.

The non-LGBTQ community has a distinct power -- whether or not they want it -- to stand up on behalf of our oppressed fellow human beings, and it seems that the straight community has, to date, failed our LGBTQ citizens by not fully exercising that power.

To support quietly from the sidelines while those oppressed stand on the battlefield is to ensure that change will come at a glacial pace.


Read the rest

FAQ: Frequently Asked of Queers

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Khalid El Khatib

"Shit ____ Say" videos have replaced planking as the latest Internet meme, including videos on "Shit Gay Guys Say" and "Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys".

Their funny observations have me thinking about the "serious" questions I get from straight people, both open-minded friends and idiots -- questions that are almost exclusively a function of my being gay.

The FAQ below contains the questions I most commonly get, but I know others are out there. What am I missing, readers?

"Who pays on dates?"

This is a commonly asked question with an uninteresting answer. During dating, the check is typically split. There are specific situations and sects of the community providing exceptions -- "sugar daddies" exist, and starving artists have appetites, despite what the physiques of Broadway extras lead you to believe.

Once you're in a relationship, things work as you'd imagine: checks are split unless there's huge income disparity.

I can't recount a relationship I've had where I ate for free. The only time a gay man goes into a date with a meal ticket is when it's with a high-profile scientologist -- they're loaded.

"When did you know you were gay?"

People ask how and where "it" starts, especially curious about whether it starts as a spark or like an atomic explosion, all glitter and spray tan, no radiation.

After years of reflection, I say there's something religious about the way I discovered my sexuality. To clarify: the Tammy Faye type of religion involving wild theatrics, a semblance of spiritual mystery, and the constant question of whether or not who I am would save my soul or condemn it.

Ultimately, coming of age is first about what you discover, and then about the when -- gay men float in stages of figuring things out for variable periods of time.

Phase one occurs as the terrifying reality that you're different sinks in. There are many ways to reconcile this reality -- shut it away, warp it with drugs and alcohol, dance toward it slowly (secretly DVRing Glee), or give in.

Phase two revolves around victory or defeat, depending on your approach. Just as you grow excited about being different -- special -- you realize you're the same as many others.

Either you're crushed because your courage to come out manifests itself as self-importance (and your coming-out story is never going to get you that book deal), or you're thrilled to have hundreds of (broad) shoulders to cry on.

Once I told a bigot about my belief that coming to terms with one's sexuality is spiritual and involves an evolution that's required for a fully developed sense of self.

He responded that I need more faith. I rattled George Michael back ("a-faith-a-faith"), and that's exactly when I knew my transformation was complete.

"Have you ever been with a girl?"

This question is as absurd to me as when people ask if, given that I'm half Palestinian, I've ever dated an Israeli.

It's not absurd just because the question implies that the experience is unnatural, but because it's personal. Gay men: next time someone asks you this question, I implore you to raise your voice and speak with hand gestures (even if it's not typical).

Make the asker feel uncomfortable about their comfort in addressing you as a case study.

I never felt a need to ask any of my six straight college roommates if they've been with guys, and I can't imagine it's a question they need talking points around like us.

"Why are gay men so fit?"

First, we're not. America is one of the most obese nations in the world, and no community is immune to it (you're welcome, Mrs. Obama!).

Alas, this isn't a diatribe on male body image and the media; I won't go on about how society reinforces gay stereotypes.

Further, I don't have stats on "gay BMI" versus "straight BMI." I can only speak anecdotally as a gay man living in New York who occasionally attends parties hosted at hotels with well-lit pools...

It's true: there exists a bevy of gay men with incredible bodies. There's no one reason for it. My gay uncle recently told me he hasn't had ice cream in 10 years, and whenever I'm asked if I want crackers or bread with my soup, I'm a little too quick and loud in saying, "Neither!"

On the surface, many of us do swear off potatoes. But digging deeper, using some of what I learned in anthropology, I find it's easy to look at other microcosms of society and transpose them onto the gay community.

I think about the world of finance, where most traders have six-packs and can do the pretzel naked without revealing an ounce of body fat.

They operate in a hyper-competitive reality that is insulated by the long hours they work. Our community is insulated by the bars we attend and the restaurants we brunch at.

We compete with each other constantly, and the stakes are heightened because when you are able to lock down a relationship, it's much easier than in heterosexual relationships to discern whether or not it's a mismatch (imagine this as a neon sign above your head -- I'm speaking from experience).

It's probably this last piece that pushes us toward the gym more than anything else. Neon light is unflattering.

"Why are gay men so fashionable?"

Because we're fit.

"Do you think so-and-so is gay?"

It can always go in multiple directions.

A confident girl with a healthy sense of reality asks: probably -- she's asking for a reason.

An insecure girl asks: probably not -- it's probably that she's insecure.

A straight guy asks: depends, and the key to answering often requires a whole different type of video.


Read the rest

Op-ed: What Makes Him Gay?

via Advocate, by Michael Lucas, op-ed contributor

Society’s double standard says that a straight woman who kisses another woman is part of the continuum of her sexuality; but if a straight guy messes around with a man, it’s cause for hasty label-making.
Isn’t it time we stopped defining male straightness so narrowly? Gay liberation should liberate straight guys as well as gay ones, but our ideas about it are just catching up.

We all know the old double standard: Sexual fluidity is celebrated in women but treated with skepticism or worse in men.

If a straight woman kisses another woman, or goes to bed with her, it’s understood to be part of the continuum of her sexuality; but if a straight guy messes around with another man, it’s cause for judgment, suspicion and hasty label-making.

Given the social taboos against gay male sex, the argument goes, no man would experiment with another guy unless he really, really needed to.

Ergo, any guy who has ever fooled around with another guy must be gay — or at least decidedly bisexual. It’s an outdated, fundamentally homophobic view: the sexual-orientation equivalent of the old racial-purity laws whereby a single drop of so-called “black blood” defined you as black.

It would be one thing if this antiquated attitude were limited to homophobic straight men (to whom any hint of homosex makes alarms go off), or even of worried straight women (who don’t want to be stages in the coming-out journeys of gay men).

But many gay people — eager to “claim” celebrities or acquaintances for the gay team — often share this approach, gleefully gossiping about same-sex encounters by people who say they are straight.

The implication is not just that straight-identified men who have dabbled in gay sex have skeletons in their closets, but that they have the closet in their bones: that they are “actually” gay and only pretending to be straight, whether because they’re in denial to themselves or just lying to the rest of the world to protect their careers or reputations.

In reality, male sexuality is a whole lot of more complicated — especially in a culture that is increasingly tolerant of homosexuality.

When I was in college, the sexual revolution was just beginning to sweep through Russian culture. Although I knew by then that I was gay, I didn’t have many ways to meet guys, and I became sexually involved with a girl from my school.

Did that make me straight? Happily, it did not.

Meanwhile, I was infatuated with a male friend of mine. One day he stayed late at my place to study for exams, and ended up sleeping over; we shared a bed, and one thing led to another.

We fooled around several more times. Did that make him gay? Sadly for me, it did not: He fell in love with a girl, and that was that. I was devastated, but despite our little affair, he was straight and both of us knew it.

This kind of thing happens with women in college all the time. There are even cute acronyms to describe this phenomenon: LUGs (for Lesbians Until Graduation) and BUGs (Bisexuals Until Graduation). Shouldn’t guys have a similar freedom to be Homos Until Graduation? Why not embrace the HUGs?

Straight actor Thomas Jane, the handsome star of the HBO series Hung, helped push the dialogue forward last month in an interview  with the Los Angeles Times, when he broke a taboo by talking openly about gay sex he had when he first arrived in L.A.

He was careful, at first, to frame it in terms of economic necessity: “I didn't have any money and I was living in my car,” he said. “I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?"

But Jane didn’t stop there. “It’s not a choice until you're open enough to experience both male and female sexuality,” he continued. “Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said.”


Read the rest

My Moustache, My Prostate

via Prostate8, by Admin

Last November Castro resident Kris Konietzko stopped shaving above his lips. By the end of the month, he was sporting a bright red mustache.

“It was pretty funny,” recalled Konietzko, considering he has brown hair. “The longest I had gone without shaving was three or four days.”

He was struck most by the visual difference the facial hair caused.

“Really, a little bit of hair on the face changes the way you look,” he said.

And he was quick to tell people that the mustache was not a permanent installation.

“The first thing I said was “I am Kris. I don’t always have this mustache,” said Konietzko when he would meet strangers.

The reason for Konietzko’s change in appearance was due to his participation in a fundraiser called Movember. throughout November each year hundreds of thousands of men throughout the world grow “Mos,” shorthand for the French-derived moustache.

  

The idea began as a joke in 2003 between Garone and a group of friends to bring back the 1970s style of mustache. at the end of one month, they threw a party and handed out awards for best and worst mustaches.

“I was surprised by the controversy and comments growing a mustache created. I said, we should put this to a cause,” said Garone. “I researched men’s health and saw prostate cancer is equivalent to breast cancer. It became a go-to for us.”

Prostate cancer is a major concern for men, as one in six will be diagnosed with the cancer. more than 33,000 men die of the disease each year.

Last year Movember recruited 450,000 men to take part in 11 countries who raised $81 million. the money goes to support the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Live Strong.

Over the years, Garone said he has found gay men tend to be more willing to talk about their health issues. Conditioned as they are in the need to talk about HIV and STDs with friends and sexual partners, gay men are repeatedly told about the need to address intimate health concerns.

“I think gay men are much more comfortable having these discussions,” said Garone, 40, who is now at the screening age for prostate cancer.

Garone sees Movember breaking down stigmas around men’s health similar to the work the gay community has had to do with AIDS.

It so happens that a simple thing as a mustache best illustrates that idea and serves the same role as the pink ribbon does for breast cancer, he said.

“There is a lot of stigma with just growing a mustache. We are trying to break down stigma around men’s health,” he explained.

He also sees the mustache as a “perfect leveler” that can unite all types of guys and brings gay and straight men together to fight a common cause.

“It doesn’t matter is you are a policeman, a DJ, a pilot, in the finance industry, gay or straight. everyone can do it and do it for their own reasons,” said Garone.

Konietzko, 33, signed up through his job at Shift Communications, a nationwide PR firm that encouraged employees in its San Francisco, Boston, and New York offices to take part in Movember last year.

The openly gay Konietzko plans to take part again this year and has been trying to get his boyfriend to sign up as well.

Read the rest

Gay in 2011: How Homophobia Lost Its Cool

via PAJIBA, By Michael Murray

A well-written standpoint on this age-long issue.

The other night my wife and I watched X-Men: First Class.

I hadn’t mentioned anything, but I wanted to see Jennifer Lawrence’s portrayal of Mystique, which is another way of saying I wanted to see Jennifer Lawrence naked. We all know how Rebecca Romijn had perfected the role with her body in earlier versions of the franchise, but I wanted to see how the plain-spoken determination that Lawrence displayed in Winter’s Bone would translate into nudity.

I was optimistic.

However, very, very quickly I found myself utterly mesmerized by Michael Fassbender.

He was sexy. Jesus, he was dead sexy. And then there was James McAvoy. He was sexy, too. Sexy in a different way, but still sexy. Together, the chemistry they shared burned through the screen and I simply couldn’t take my eyes off of them. I mean, I wanted them to do stuff. Pulling myself together, I asked Rachelle, “Where’s Jennifer McLarwebender?”

Rachelle pointed her out.

“So she’s the blue one? Man alive, I just wish she’d get out of the way, sometimes she makes it hard to see Fassbender and McAvoy!”

Rachelle pursed her lips, “So, you want to have a better view of the guys, do you?”

I felt a little defensive at first and said nothing, but I couldn’t contain myself, “Yes! Look at them! They’re hot as hell! Way better than anything on “True Blood”! And don’t you judge me, you’d be in there like a dirty shirt in a second!”

And after just a moment of looking at one another we both nodded and returned to the movie.

Some 20 years ago when I was in high school, to say that you found another man sexy, let alone two of them, spelled certain doom. And it’s not that I grew up in an unusually parochial environment. As far as these things went, the school I attended in Ottawa — one of the larger Canadian cities — was relatively liberal minded. No matter, if you were gay or suspected of being gay, your life was to be misery.

Read more.

Ya don't sssay: Gay Blowjobs for Straight Men = Less Cancer?

oh if only

via BSNBC, by Benderson Hoover (great name, eh?)

Heterosexual men who are regularly fellated by homosexual men have a lower risk of developing prostate and testicular cancer, a research study has found.

The "Study On The General Health Benefits Of One-Way Gay Fellatio" was spearheaded by University of Montana Sexual & Liberal Studies research fellow Dr. Wendel Jones, and will be published in the upcoming Spring issue of the Men's Journal Of Health & Gender. It was initially met with jeers and snickering when first proposed in 2005, but Jones persevered to get funding, and was finally able to get it off the ground a year later.

Conducted over a period of four years, the research involved 600 men aged 23 to 54 who exclusively identify as heterosexual and enjoy penetrative vaginal sex with women. They were divided into two groups: one received oral sex on a daily basis from a team of experienced homosexual men, while the other did not. At the end of the study, all 600 were screened for prostate and testicular cancer. Eight tested positive for prostate cancer; six for testicular. All fourteen were from the group that did not get serviced orally by gay men.

Read the rest.

Straight Bears and the Men who Love Them

via The Village Voice, by Joe Erbentraut

People are owning their natural look, and I believe a lot of that is connected to the bear world.

Excerpt:

Meet the straight bears. These men—like their gay counterparts—are the antithesis of the metrosexual stag hags, those heavily primped, buff straight guys who count gays among their most trusted wingmen. Straight bears are less concerned with designer labels and limiting their carbs than with comfy clothes and beer. And they love to hang with their gay-bear brothers. As Cohen told a British gay magazine, Attitude, “I enjoy being around gay people. I find I get on better with them than straight people.”

Read the rest.

AfterElton asks - Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?

What does it mean that there are three new entertainment projects where straight men are sexually involved with other men?

Read!

I Love You, Man (as a friend)

via New York Times, by Douglas Quenqua

WELCOME to the flip side of homophobia.

“I’m flattered, and I think it’s hilarious,” Kris Allen told People.com recently, responding to the news that his former roommate and runner-up on “American Idol,” Adam Lambert, had a crush on him.

Mr. Lambert, who favors black eyeliner and leather pants, had told Rolling Stone that Mr. Allen, an aw-shucks Christian from Arkansas, was “the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show — nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type — except that he has a wife.”

This all went down in the same interview in which Mr. Lambert finally confirmed the long-simmering rumor that, yep, he’s gay.

Mr. Allen’s cool, self-assured response to being the object of his gay roommate’s affection doesn’t exactly qualify him as a civil rights hero, not at a time when straight men march against Proposition 8 in California and the most anticipated gay-themed film of the year, “Brüno,” is coming from a straight (if highly waxed) comedian.

But do give him credit for overcoming one of the most common deal-killers in friendships between straight and gay men: the awkward crush.

The kinship between gay men and straight women is familiar to the point of cliché (see: “Sex and the City,” “Will and Grace,” Kathy Griffin’s audience, etc.), but friendships between gay and straight men have barely registered on the pop culture radar, perhaps because they resist easy classification. For every sweeping statement one can make about such friendships, there is a real-life counter example to undermine the stereotypes. And as with all friendships, no two are exactly alike.

But as America’s openly gay minority becomes more visibly interwoven into society — a 2007 poll by the Pew Research Center found that 4 out of 10 respondents had a close friend or family member who was a gay man or a lesbian — the straight world becomes more aware of the gay world. Although male friends of opposite orientations can face formidable obstacles — sexuality, language, peer pressure, inequality — there seems to be more mutual appreciation and common ground.

“The younger generation understands the spectrum and fluidity of sexuality much more than generations of the past,” said Tom Bourdon, director of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Center at Tufts University. “Most liberal-minded straight guys today could say they have gay friends, and people wouldn’t bat an eye.”

Read the rest.