Unprotected sex more likely in serious gay relationships

Study shows new prevention efforts need to address young gay couples

Source.


Gay young men in serious relationships are six times more likely to have unprotected sex than those who hook up with casual partners, according to new Northwestern Medicine research.

The findings provide a new direction for prevention efforts in this population who account for nearly 70 percent of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses in adolescents and young adults in the United States and who also have the highest increase in new infections.

"Being in a serious relationship provides a number of mental and physical health benefits, but it also increases behaviors that put you at risk for HIV transmission," said Brian Mustanski, associate professor in medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and lead author of a paper on the research, published online in the journal Health Psychology. "Men who believe a relationship is serious mistakenly think they don't need to protect themselves."

About 80 percent of gay young men who are HIV positive don't know it, because they aren't being tested frequently enough, he noted. "It isn't enough to ask your partner his HIV status," Mustanski said. "Instead, both people in a serious, monogamous couple relationship should go and receive at least two HIV tests before deciding to stop using condoms."

The new Northwestern research shows HIV prevention programs should be directed toward serious relationships rather than the current focus on individuals who hook up in casual relationships.

"We need to do greater outreach to young male couples," said Mustanski, who conducted the research when he was at the University of Illinois at Chicago. "This is one population that has really been left behind. We should be focusing on serious relationships."

To help reach this group, Mustanski plans to produce two videos for gay youth this summer that discuss having healthy relationships and HIV prevention. The videos will be available on www.impactprogram.org.

The study findings dovetail with recent Centers for Disease Control data showing the majority of HIV transmissions occur in serious relationships. Being in a committed relationship more strongly influenced whether a gay man had unprotected sex than using drugs with a partner, the latter doubling the risk. A new shift to focus research on committed gay couples is partly a result of the burgeoning same-sex marriage movement, Mustanski said.

The Northwestern study looked at the behaviors of a diverse population of 122 young men (16 to 20 years old when the study began) over two years in Chicago and the suburbs. The men are a subset of participants in Mustanski's ongoing longitudinal study on the sexual and mental health of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth. The study, named Project Q2, is the longest running longitudinal study of LGBT youth ever conducted.

Studying the health of sexual and gender minorities has become a new priority for the federal government. In March, the Institute of Medicine issued a report stating researchers need to engage LGBT populations in health studies.

To meet that goal, Northwestern has just entered a partnership with the Center on Halsted, the largest social service center in the Midwest for the LGBT community. Mustanski's research program on the sexual and physical health of sexual minorities – called the IMPACT Program-- will now reside in the Center on Halsted, which has a large HIV testing program and youth program. The move will facilitate research with the LGBT community.

"This collaboration gives us a chance to learn from the staff of the Center about emerging issues in the community, so that we can make those issues a research priority," Mustanski said. "And we can share our latest findings on prevention and healthy relationships with the staff, so they can immediately apply that to their services. There is a lot that we can learn from each other."

"We are thrilled to have the IMPACT program at Center on Halsted," said Modesto Tico Valle, the chief executive officer of the Center. "LGBT people are often excluded from major research endeavors, and IMPACT's focus on our community's health and development is vital. By embedding itself in the Center, IMPACT will have firsthand access to a diverse array of LGBT people to inform their research. We, in turn, have an invaluable opportunity to put IMPACT's research findings into practice, improving our programs to better meet the needs of our clients."

Black Gay HIV Positive Dating and Disclosure

via Black Gay Men's Blog

The Black Gay Men’s Blog advice column, Ask Storm, kicks off with a letter from Wes, a 26 year old black gay male living in Oakland, who has been dating a guy for a month and is worried about disclosing his HIV positive status.

Dear Storm,

I am a 26 year old black gay male in Oakland, CA and I need some advice on how to deal with the situation I’m in. I’ll try and make it brief. I have been HIV positive for 2 years, but really only started dealing with it a year ago. The first year was a mixture of shock and denial and I basically went to work, came home drank, smoked blunts and locked myself away. Hardly any socializing, no sex etc. About a year ago, I started slowly dealing with my HIV status, went to the doctor, got on meds etc. I started to accept that I was HIV positive and would have to deal with it for the rest of my life. One thing I definitely wasn’t looking forward to was dating and having the HIV talk.

Anyways, about a month ago I went to a spoken word event and met this sexy-azz brother. It was instant chemistry and we were both very comfortable with each other, like old friends or something. We went for drinks after the event and then he asked me back to his place. We were having such a great time, convo flowing, lil buzz going and I hadn’t felt so good in so long. The minute we kissed, it was over, I was like a thirsty mofo, hungry to be touched, like I had come alive again and the next thing I knew we were naked having hot sex. As much as I hadn’t been touched for ages, he wanted me just as much and there was no awkward first time sex, which sometimes happens – it all just flowed. 

Read the rest.

Peter, my boyfriend is hanging out with his ex and I'm jealous. Help!

Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.

Q: Dear Peter-- how do you deal with jealousy in a relationship? My boyfriend keeps hanging out with his ex, and that makes me green with rage! He says they aren't having sex, but I think it feels creepy. Any thoughts?

A: Thank you so much for your question. I imagine that the situation you are describing has been difficult for you and I applaud you for doing a bit of searching so that you can handle it in a way that promotes your own health and worth! 

It sounds like you’ve already started discussing this situation with your partner, and I commend you on taking steps to maintain your relationship – that takes courage.

There are a lot of opinions out there about jealousy in a relationship, both from the general public and from professionals. However, most everyone agrees that jealousy and lack of trust can be very damaging to a relationship.  Some people tend to err on the side of intuition and tell anyone who feels jealous that they must have reason. Some people see jealousy as a emotional problem with the one experiencing the emotion. I feel, however, that situations around jealousy or trust are a bit more complex than that. 

But first:

As you may have read, I am first and foremost a health educator.  I am not a licensed counselor, so I cannot prescribe a treatment for you to make this all better.  Also, relationship coaching is outside of my expertise.  Therefore, I have reached out to another professional in the field who DOES have that expertise.  I came across Brian Rzepczynski, LCSW, MSW, online because he had written a very fitting article titled “Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known as Jealousy.”  Brian has over ten years of practice under his belt of being a couples counselor, a sex therapist, and relationship coach and specializes in gay relationships and is local (practices right up the road in Aurora, IL).

Brian’s article on Jealousy is stuffed full of great information on sources of jealousy, positives and negatives of experiencing that emotion, and ways to overcome your jealous thoughts. The whole article is available here.Check it out.

Here are some highlights of his suggestions for overcoming jealous feelings:

• Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy--it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.
  
  
• Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.
  
  
• Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
  
  
• Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
  
  
• Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him?
  
  
• What is my jealousy really about?
  
  
• What hurts? What's missing in my life?
  
  
• What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
  
  
• Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?

• Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner's behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.
  
  
• Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.
  
  
• As a couple: This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or "relationship rules" need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.

The suggestions Brian makes help uncover whether the jealousy is from insecurity rather than a protective intuition. That is why I like his point about asking yourself if the feelings are rational or irrational. If you come to the conclusion that they are rational, then work on communication with your partner.  Concentrate on “I statements” so that you aren’t accusing your partner of something he may have not done.  Instead talk about how you feel and your perceptions. Give your partner an opportunity to be honest without interruption.

On the other hand, feel empowered to lay down your expectations of the relationship (not your demands – there is a subtle difference).  If the two of you aren’t able to find a common ground where you are both happy and fulfilled, it may be time to consider the option of ending that relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

Be well,

Peter Pointers

peterpointers@lifelube.org

Gay men and intimacy.... yes, no, maybe so?

Does ‘sexual minority stress’ cause gay men to fear emotional commitment and pursue open relationships?
 via the Good Men Project, by Joshua Matacotta

I worked with a gay male therapy client—let’s call him Jim—who came in for individual therapy because his partner refused couples counseling. He was distressed because he felt “strong-armed” into an open relationship, leaving him with a sense of insecurity and anxiety. I soon realized that one thing this couple didn’t try was having an open, heart-felt communication about their struggles with intimacy and trust.

There have been a number of studies suggesting that many gay male couples who negotiate open relationships report satisfaction and fulfillment. But for some, does the decision to open the relationship reflect mistrust and a fear of intimacy and emotional commitment?

While gay men desire and create meaningful, loving relationships, their traumatic experiences growing up in a heteronormative culture—like homophobia and rejection—lead some to refuse conventions in heterosexual relationships (monogamy, marriage, children, etc.).

Like straight men, gay men are socialized away from intimacy. Expressing a need for intimacy and closeness is often viewed as weak.  Sometimes, entering into a relationship with a man comes with worries about their promiscuity—will they cheat?

Gay men not only internalize negative cultural messages about being men—and about what it means to be gay. The fear about vulnerability might partly be due to shaming experiences during early development, such as bullying and harassment for not conforming to gendered expectations.

Read the rest.

You and Me - Relationship study in SF and NY

You and Me is a study underway in San Francisco and New York City exploring how culture, masculinity, and homophobia play into gay men's relationships and their sexual health.

The work is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and is a collaborative effort among researchers at San Francisco State University's Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality and Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health, led by Principal Investigator, Dr. Colleen Hoff (SF) and Co-Investigator, Dr. Patrick Wilson (NYC).

You & Me's goal is to better understand the relationship dynamics and the contextual factors that shape them in order to develop interventions to improve the sexual health of men in same-sex relationships. Little health research has focused on same-sex couples, and even fewer studies have included Black and interracial couples. Talking with couples will allow us to better understand the relationship context that men must negotiate as they make decisions that affect their sexual health.

Learn more and get information on a number of ways you can participate.

Peter, is it true it's more difficult for gay men to sustain long term relationships?

[Peter Pointers is LifeLube's gay health educator and is assisted by a group of qualified health specialists who work as a team to answer your health questions. Ask about your sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health.  Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

  

Question:

Hi Peter,

I have heard that sustaining a long term relationship is more difficult for gay men, is this true? 

Answer:

Hi,

Thank you for your intriguing question!  The LGBT community (gay men in particular) is haunted by the stereotype of an incapability of sustaining long term, monogamous relationships.  To answer this question, I have gathered some information and resources from some interesting sources that look this topic.

To begin, I turned to the research to see if I could find any empirical information on long term stability in gay relationships.  Academic research on homosexual relationships is fairly unchartered waters, but there is a Time magazine article that discussed a study published a few years ago about communication and relationships among gay and lesbian couples.  The article states that researchers found that gays and lesbians are nicer than straight couples in dealing with arguments with their partner (significantly less belligerent, less domineering and less fearful).  In addition, gays and lesbians are likely to use more humor when arguing. 

While this is positive for gay and lesbian couples in regards to having healthy communication in a relationship, there was one finding in that study which went the other way.  It found that gay men were worse than straight and lesbian couples at “repairing” or “making up” after initiating difficult discussions.  In addition to that finding, another study (out of Wright State University) discussed in the Time magazine article, reported that gay and lesbian couples ended relationships sooner than straight couples (the study was conducted over a 12 year period and found that 21% of gay and lesbian couples broke up compared to only 14% of married straight couples). 

So this and other research articles beg the question, why is repairing and maintaining long term relationships potentially more difficult for gay men?  Because the research on this topic is so limited and young, it is difficult to answer this question with a definitive answer.  Looking towards the future however, here are a number of interesting research questions that would help address this question further: 

• The legal issues surrounding gay marriage (gay marriage is still illegal in the majority of U.S states) and its impact on sustaining long term relationships.

• Gay couples internalizing the devaluation of gay relationships from society and its impact on their relationship quality.

• Gay couples agreeing to non-monogamous or open relationships and its impact on sustaining long term relationships.

• The social stigma surrounding LGBT lives (some individuals face mental health issues and poor self concepts as a result of prejudice and discrimination from society) and the challenges that may arise in a relationship as a result. (Check out this study on “Internalized homophobia and relationship quality”).

So, as we can see, research on this question is still forthcoming. However, we do know a lot about relationships in general.  Whether sustaining relationships between gay men is more difficult or not, it is always beneficial to learn what makes up a healthy relationship, signs of an unhealthy relationship and what to do if in an unhealthy situation. 

The best judges of whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy are the people in that relationship.  However, there are some factors to consider when determining if this is a healthy relationship:

1.    Consent – There is agreement by both partners on all activities when both partners can make a conscious decision.

2.    No exploitation - All parties are equally empowered and share decision-making. Both partners feel valued and honored and are not taken advantage of or threatened.

3.    Honesty - Actions demonstrate trustworthiness. There is open, upfront, sincere, and truthful communication; likes and dislikes are vocalized and promises are kept

4.    Mutual pleasure - There is a balanced give and take relationship, without self-centered, forceful, or manipulative means. Partners take pleasure in pleasing their partner and establish comfort zones and understood signals.

5.    Safety and protection (from physical/emotional harm, including STDs) - Partners have knowledge and resources to avoid harm and appropriate measures are taken to ensure the security of all parties. (adapted from www.niu.edu/lgbt/resourcecenter)

It is important to realize that you always have options in relationships.  You can stay with things as they are, chose to work on the relationship, take a break, or end it all together.  Each partner has an equal choice in where the relationship will go in the future.  If you feel you are in an unsafe relationship you can call 1-877-To END DV (City of Chicago Domestic Violence Help Line or (773) 871-CARE (2273) for the Anti-Violence Project Crisis Line. 

You can also visit this website for information on how to recognize if you are in an unsafe relationship

For more information on healthy relationships, follow the links below to two University websites that offer great information on the topic. 

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html

Thank you again for your question.  If there is more information that you need, please do not hesitate to follow up with me.


Be Well,
Peter
Peter Pointers on LifeLube, E-mail Peter
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Sexual Self-Expression

via GAYTWOGETHER

Excerpt:

Not all sex happens within a relationship. While many men equate sex with love and intimacy, many other men do not.

Men who make a distinction between sex and romantic love are looking for something else. For some it is simple pleasure or erotic relief. For others there is another quality to this part of their erotic selves – a sense of connection to an erotic tribe of gay men.

Read the rest.

OUT's Releases its First Annual Sex and Love Survey

via OUT

Do the findings reflect you?

The results are in. Having polled 1,000 readers (with every state in the union represented) OUT’s first comprehensive sex and relationships survey reveals some interesting results...

Some highlights of the survey:

Young gays are much more likely to have the same aspirations as their straight counterparts than older gays:

    * 80% of 18- to 25-year-old gay men want to get married, versus 51% of those between the ages of 36 and 45.
    * 70% of 18- to 25-year-old gay men want kids, versus 31% of those aged 36-45.

Young gay men are also more likely to meet their partners through friends. Only 15% of those under the age of 26 found their current partner online, versus 36 % of those over 66. And twice as many men aged 55-65 own a sex toy as those aged 18-25.

Check it out.

Coping Stategies to Deal with Insecurity in Your Relationship

via GAYTWOGETHER

Here's one strategy::

Practice thought-stoppage techniques. Get skilled at tracking your thoughts and identifying which ones are helpful vs. hurtful for you. Negative anxiety-provoking thoughts can be stopped dead in their tracks by snapping your wrist with a rubber band and immediately redirecting your thoughts to more positive self-talk. Sounds weird, but it can help break you out of the trance that anxiety can create and gives you a split second to change the course of your thoughts.


Read the rest.

Seven Ways to Improve Your Relationship

via GAYTWOGETHER

Here's one of those ways:

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We've all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment - of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually - by learning instead of controlling.

Check out the rest.

Peter, my boyfriend and I are serious. Can we ditch the condoms?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. helped by a team of experts. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question: My boyfriend and I have been serious for a while now.  We can lose the condoms, right?

Answer: Condomless sex is a perk that allows us to put up with our partners’ crazy families.  It’s only natural that many of us would rather have sex au naturel – it’s about sensation, pleasure, intimacy, and trust. 

However, to stay HIV- and STD-free while sexually active, condoms are still our best option.  So, we protect ourselves during random hookups, booty calls, and budding romances. 

But, is there need for safe sex once you get serious?

Researchers say: “Yes!”

Dr. Patrick Sullivan of Emory University, looked at HIV transmission among gay/bi men and found that 68% of men who became HIV-positive acquired it from “a main sex partner.”  This was due to “a higher number of sex acts, more frequent receptive roles in anal sex, and lower condom use during anal sex” with main partners.

Dr. Colleen Hoff, of San Francisco State University, found nearly half of studied gay couples were nonmonogamous and emphasizes the need for true consensus on “sexual agreements” between partners. Hoff explains, a broken (or unclear) sexual agreement “can make both partners vulnerable to HIV."

Here are some pointers:

- Use condoms for 3 months with new partners (because it takes time for HIV to be detectable in the body), then test and talk.

- Work with your partner to negotiate robust sexual agreements.

- Discuss how to disclose and deal with a break in an agreement.

- Continually revisit agreements.


Be Well,
Peter
Peter Pointers on LifeLube, E-mail Peter
Friend Peter on Facebook


Per this QA, you may be interested in the following: 

Join us for "What's Love Got To Do With It?" 
Is it okay to stop using condoms with my boyfriend?

LifeLube co-hosts a FREE community forum to discuss  the role of relationships in HIV infection. Join researchers Colleen Hoff (San Francisco State University) and Patrick Sullivan (Emory University). Llearn ways to have the sex you want and stay healthy. Moderated by Brian Mustanski of the University of Illinois – Chicago.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Center on Halsted - Hoover Leppen Theatre - Third Floor
Doors open at 6:00 p.m. for appetizers and socializing.
Program begins promptly at 7:00 p.m.

RSVP here, as space is limited for this free event.
More info here.
Listen to the Windy City QueerCast show on the subject with Jim Pickett.
Listen to the "Rubber Lover" podcast via Feast of Fun

Britannia Rules - Better Sex for Gay Men, Courtesy of the Brits

MOISTURE!

Ah, if we could only pull things like this off in the U.S.

Be sure to check out this hot and helpful guide- kinda like a 2010 Joy of Gay Sex. Ways to make wanking, fucking, sucking all the better, with eye candies along the way.

Better Sex for Gay Men, thanks to GMFA, the Gay Men's Health Charity. Yes, yes, yes!

Daily Kos - You Can't Handle the Truth! What's Wrong With HIV Education for Gay Men?

by GLBT and Friends (FogCityJohn) at Daily Kos

Why is it that public health and AIDS educators seem to assume that gay men can't handle the truth?

 

Excerpt:

I.  Sex Has Emotional and Social Value for Gay Men.

First, HIV education should begin by acknowledging what I consider the most fundamental truth of all — that gay men's sex lives have both emotional meaning and social value.  In other words, HIV education must proceed from the basic assumption that sex has the same value for gay men as it has for all human beings.  HIV education should recognize that gay men are the moral and social equals of straight people.  The simple truth is that our sex lives are not some kind of lesser version of "real" (i.e., straight) sexuality.

The reason HIV education sometimes fails to recognize this basic truth is, as Odets pointed out, that homophobia devalues gay male sexuality.  To reduce the risk of HIV transmission, gay men are often advised to severely restrict their sexual practices or even to abandon certain practices altogether.  We've been told to just give up anal sex because it's too risky, and we've been advised that if we have oral sex, we should do so only with condoms. 

Does anybody seriously think straight people would be asked to give up vaginal intercourse as a preventive measure?  Why is so much more demanded of gay men?  Why do so many fail to recognize that our sex lives aren't just matters of physical pleasure?  Sex has deep emotional and psychological value to us, just as it does for straight people.  It's how we express love and achieve intimacy.  So it pains me that HIV education sometimes treats gay men's sex lives almost as if they're superfluous.

This is especially hard for me to accept as an HIV+ gay man, because I think sex may be even more important for poz guys than for gay men in general.  The stigma of HIV infection can create feelings of unworthiness and undesirability in poz men.  For those of us afflicted with such emotions, sex can be tremendously affirming and validating.  It can serve as an antidote to the isolation caused by the disease.  For a time after my diagnosis, sex certainly served that function for me.  That a man still desired me despite my serostatus was proof that HIV did not necessarily mean an end to my romantic life.

So I guess I'd ask that HIV education acknowledge as a basic truth that sex for gay men isn't just a collection of physical practices to be modified.  It's how we relate, connect, and yes, love.  Understanding that is where HIV education needs to start. 

This isn't to say that gay men don't need to modify their sexual practices in the face of HIV.  It is, of course, absolutely critical that we do so, and most of us have.  But gay men are far less likely to listen to HIV education that treats their sex lives as nothing but a set of dispensable behaviors.  HIV educators and public health officials therefore would do well to acknowledge the emotional and social importance of what they are asking gay men to change or give up. 

Read the whole thing.

How is Bisi Alimi healthy?

Taking him for a walk in the morning 

allows me to work my body

as I am not a gym person.

  

When I was asked to write about how I keep healthy, I thought it was going to be very easy... until I started writing. I realized I hardly have a clue in regards to what I've been doing to stay healthy for over 35 years, and why I hardly ever visit the doctor.

So after a great and good laugh at myself and knowing that I have to send this in, I took stock of my life and realized that yes, I do some things that I can consider to be healthy. To many people, it might sound a bit lame, but in all honesty, these are things that have kept me going for years.

Every morning when I wake up, I try to start with a very clear and positive mind. This is very important and it sets the pace for a better day, and a positive mind relaxes the face and the muscles and makes for great smiles.

I get up to feed my dog. Having a dog gives me a good sense of responsibility and accountability, it also give me the opportunity to show my love to someone. In return my dog's loyalty is amazing and out of this world. Taking him for a walk in the morning allows me to work my body - as I am not a gym person. We walk about 45 minutes everyday, and listening to music while we walk sets me in the right mood.

I love to eat very healthy, I am very conscious of what goes into my mouth, and for this reason, I do my own cooking, buy my own vegetables, meat and necessary items needed for cooking - to me this is very therapeutic.

I love to have good sex, this might sound funny, but I have come to realize that having a good and positive attitude towards sex has helped me keep fit, and the process of having a romantic sexual experience on its own is very healthy.

Finally, I love to relax after work, and indulge in little sinful pleasures. However, I don’t smoke and I do don't drugs. I think this has helped my body system to work very well.

So for me, waking up in good spirits in the morning, being responsible to my pet and walking him regularly, home made cooking made with fresh ingredients, and good romantic sex are my secrets to being healthy.

-- Bisi Alimi

London

How are you healthy?

Join in the conversation.
Tell us HERE. Send a pic to the same place.
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"In the heat of the moment, he allows me to have my way"

via TheBody.com, by Terron J. Cook

[Powerful, piercingly honest story regarding this man's struggle to use condoms, and the intense attraction and pleasure of sex without them. Many of us will relate.]

Excerpt:

Wearing condoms always has been extremely tough for me. First, I ask myself, "Why the fuck would I use a condom when I'm the top man?" But knowing that the majority of men who contract HIV play the bottom role is absolutely no excuse for my behavior. Second, I can't maintain an erection in a condom, or at least, that's what I've convinced myself of. I use this as an excuse to not use them.

When I partake in a sexual escapade with another man, I need it to be fulfilling in all aspects, and utilizing a condom simply does not afford me that pleasure. In my earnest opinion, safe sex is absolutely ridiculous, yet necessary. It creates rigidity, as well as a wall in the middle of what is designed to be so beautiful. There is something about barebacking that allows me to feel close to the man directly in front of me.

Read the whole thing.

Study: Gay couples need prevention too

via Bay Area Reporter, by Matthew S. Bajko 

HIV prevention needs to take a more holistic approach 

that goes beyond messages about safe sex.

Excerpt:

Gay couples' top reasons for establishing "sexual agreements," defined by the researchers as rules about whether sex with outside partners is allowed, had more to do with positively impacting their relationships than as an HIV prevention strategy, the study found. The main reasons couples established sexual agreements ranged from building trust in the relationship and promoting honesty between partners to protecting the relationship.

 "We found that gay couples are interested in building healthy, satisfying, and loving relationships," stated Hoff, who is attending the International AIDS Conference kicking off this weekend in Vienna, Austria. "These desires, when nurtured, can lead to strong relationships. Yet the reality is that a broken sexual agreement, or one that isn't clear to either partner, can make both partners vulnerable to HIV."

Read the rest. 

And for another view, from Box Turtle Bulletin...
The bogus “couples study” is back… and this time doing more harm than ever

Living the Question: Would you date someone who is HIV-positive?

via Advocate by Tyler Helms

Ironically, my answer before June 2007 would have been a confident “no,” my rationale being that the risks were too high and my future too bright to be burdened with someone else’s mistake.

  It’s a loaded question coming from me — my friends, my family, and even people who barely know me are biased in their answers. I have found the most honest responses come when I catch people off guard. I once asked my friend John in a text message, his response first being “Really, this is what you text me?” My friend Lesley has gotten it at dinner, drinks, and while at work. There is my friend Michael, who asked me the question before I could ask him.

Answers have varied, but they generally net out in one place — “Yes, but with caution and care.” At which point I wonder, shouldn’t every relationship be approached with “caution and care?” And “yes,“ while common, doesn’t seem to be the reality I face. A few people, hands down, say “no.” I have experience with the “no” firsthand. I have vivid memories of the poor guy who ran from my apartment when he saw the framed Worlds AIDS Day picture and the red ribbon that sits on my bedside table. I can’t help but recall the countless faces that used to consider a random make-out session, now resigned to whispers or words of support. So despite a world where HIV status is now a check box on social networking profiles, I tend to think that being with someone HIV-positive is still too much for many to handle.

Read the rest.

Queer and Now - Upcoming Grindr Forum Featured on Windy City Queercast

Are you joining us at Rehab next Wednesday?

LifeLube's Jim Pickett is on this week's Windy City Queercast chatting up the upcoming "Love in the Age of Grindr" forum with hostess Amy Matheny - set for May 19 at Rehab. Listen.

Panelists include (from left Ed Negron. Kylon Hooks and Keith Ecker. The panel will be moderated by John D. Moore.

• Real-time technology is shaping the ways we connect – whether they’re “splash and dash” or involve a U-Haul.
• Has this wired us for sex only?
• How do relationships fit in?
• What are we looking for in terms of connections and intimacy?

Learn more about the forum and RSVP here.

Are gay men getting what we want in terms of sex, intimacy and relationships?

“Love in the Age of Grindr” provides venue to discuss hooking up and shacking up in era of instant, “real time” technologies

                                                                                                                                                                                  
Project CRYSP and LifeLube will conduct a community forum called “Love in the Age of Grindr” to discuss hooking up, shacking up, U-Hauls, friends with benefits, and various ways gay men connect intimately.

The free forum is at Rehab, 3641 N. Halsted St., on Wednesday, May 19, 2010 and will explore various perspectives on dating and mating in our community.

Doors open at 6:00 p.m. for appetizers and socializing and the interactive program begins promptly at 7:00 p.m.

Dr. John D. Moore, Chicago therapist and author, will moderate the forum with a panel of community members who will share their different perspectives on relationships – both monogamous and open – and enjoying life as single men.  Of particular interest will be how intimacy needs are met in a world that is increasingly turning to “real-time” technology like Grindr, a geo-social mobile application that allows gay and bisexual men to connect instantly when within close proximity.

“We are excited to explore and consider a variety of ways in which we can have healthy relationships and fulfilling sexual lives that meet our needs, whatever those may be,”  says Joe Benjamin, psychosocial coordinator at Test Positive Aware Network, and a Project CRYSP partner.

“Love in the age of Grindr” is open to anyone age 21 or over. Space is limited, and advanced registration is recommended.  For more information and to RSVP, please click here.

The skinny on long-term non-monogamous male couples

via San Francisco Bay Times, by Tom Moon

Blake Spears and Lanz Lowen have been together for over 34 years. They told me that they still have great sex, contradicting the common belief that sexual interest inevitably wanes in a long-term relationship. How do they do it? “One reason,” Lanz said, “is that we’ve been in an open relationship from the very beginning. If we hadn’t been open, we wouldn’t have been able to grow individually or as a couple.” But, they write, this was a journey they took “without a roadmap…Information about how couples navigate this terrain is surprisingly lacking. We were curious about the experience of others and assumed many long-term couples might offer valuable perspectives and hard-earned lessons.” So, a few years back, they decided to use their combined training and experience in research and psychology to do an independent, in-depth study of other long-term open gay male relationships.

They hoped to provide the community with an accurate picture of what non-monogamy actually looks like in the lives of gay men. Their study has now been completed. It’s an intimate look into the lives of 86 couples who have each been together for a minimum of 8 years, and it can be accessed at www.thecouplesstudy.com.

This study is a fascinating read because the authors largely avoid speculation and let the participants speak for themselves. One finding that fascinated me was the many varieties of “openness” that the couples practiced. Some only played together, some only separately, and some did both. Some only allowed anonymous outside encounters, while others allowed “friends with benefits” and still others built polyamorous families with multiple partners. Some (about ten percent) had no rules at all governing outside sex, while at the other end of the spectrum others created detailed ground rules and contracts. Every imaginable kind of “openness” seemed to work for someone.

Read the rest.

Join LifeLube for the "Love in the Age Grindr" forum on May 19 that explores some of these issues.