Hey Peter, Is it true Howard Brown let's you get HIV tested with your Boo?

Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.



Q: I heard that Howard Brown Health Center has a program that encourages male couples and sexual partners to get tested together for HIV.  Is that true?
 
A: Yes, you are correct! Getting an HIV test can be difficult, if not downright scary—and having a conversation with your partner(s) about HIV results can bring up a lot of other issues. Thanks to a new service developed by researchers from Emory University and funded by the MAC AIDS Fund, Howard Brown Health Center, and two clinics in Atlanta, can provide an opportunity to lessen those challenges among sexual partners.

I spoke with Sam Hoehnle, Project Coordinator of “Testing Together” at Howard Brown Health Center in Chicago.  Mr. Hoehnle said that “Testing Together” provides an opportunity for gay and bisexual men in relationships to get tested and receive their results together (at the same time, in the same room), with a trained counselor present to discuss the results. Testing with your partner and receiving your results together is a great opportunity to start (or continue) a healthy conversation about HIV in your relationship, and allows you to talk openly about building a plan to address HIV (and other STI) risks. The service is designed to focus on the future, not on what each person has done in the past.

Different types of couples can also benefit from this intervention. In the United States most infections occur between men and their primary sex partner. You or your partner may be infected with HIV and not even know it. Testing Together gives an opportunity for you and your partner to discuss how HIV may impact your relationship.

If you are positive you can still use the service. If you meet the screening criteria, Testing Together can provide an opportunity for you to share your status with your partner, in a controlled setting, with a trained counselor who will help start a discussion with you and your partner to discuss the realities of HIV in your relationship.

Some people may be concerned about how this service will affect their relationship, especially if they have different results.  While, there is no way to know what direction your relationship will take after finding out each other’s HIV test results, in Africa, where the service was started, most couples with different results stayed together. Every relationship is different. Knowing your partner’s status will start a conversation with honesty and trust.

The process of testing is relatively easy. You and your partner will be screened separately to see if you are eligible for testing. If you are eligible and agree to be tested together, then you will meet with a counselor to start a discussion about the testing process and how HIV impacts you in your specific relationship. The counselor will then provide the results for the test with you and your partner, at the same time and in the same room. Once you both know your status, the counselor will work with you both to determine the best way to minimize the risk of HIV in your relationship.

Only four clinics in the U.S. are offering this service for male couples. The two locations in Chicago are Howard Brown Health Center and the Broadway Youth Center (for people under 25 years of age).

Howard Brown offers the service during regular Walk-in Clinic hours and the Broadway Youth Center on Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm-8pm.

In Atlanta, services are offered at our partner sites AID Atlanta and Ric Crawford Clinic (formerly AID Gwinnett).

For more information about Testing Together you can go to www.testingtogether.org or check the program out on Facebook. You can also follow us on Twitter @TestingTogether.

TOMORROW - Howard Brown is hosting a community forum at their Sheridan location (4025 North Sheridan Road, Chicago) on Thursday, November 3rd - TOMORROW - from 6:30p - 8:00p. 

 

This forum is an opportunity for the community to learn more about the service. A representative from Emory University and Howard Brown Health Center will be there to present on couples HIV counseling and testing. The forum will also feature a question and answer portion. And light refreshments!

 

Hope to see you there!

 

Be well,
Peter Pointers
peterpointers@lifelube.org
www.lifelube.org/experts.php

Peter, what can I do to have more eco-friendly sex?

Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.



Q: What can I do to have more eco-friendly sex?

A: Thank you for your question! Greener sex is a definite possibility, and the market for eco-condoms and toys is steadily expanding.

One very easy way to incorporate sex into your overall eco-friendly lifestyle is to purchase an organic, non-petroleum lubricant. There are several organic lubes on the market sold at competitive price points, including Sliquid Organics lubricants , which contain restorative natural ingredients like aloe vera, vitamin E, and green tea, as well as Firefly Organics lubricants , which contain no glycerin, parabens, or petroleum.

While you shouldn’t toss your existing sex toys into your conventional recycling bin, there is a service called Sex Toy Recycling that you can use instead. This service sanitizes and disassembles used and/or broken sex toys and forms them into brand new ones for purchase. In fact, for each sex toy you send in, you receive a $5 coupon towards your next purchase from Sex Toy Recyling’s recycled toy line.

Be well,
Peter Pointers
peterpointers@lifelube.org
www.lifelube.org/experts.php

Peter, is there a way to recycle condoms and sex toys?

Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.

Q: Peter, Peter, is there a way to recycle condoms and sex toys?

A:Thank you for your question! Greener sex is a definite possibility, and the market for eco-condoms and toys is steadily expanding.

There is currently no way to recycle or compost latex or polyurethane condoms. All condoms are intended for one-time use, and any condoms (even unused, unopened ones) or sex toys you toss into your normal recycling bin will be sorted into the trash at your local recycling plant. Unfortunately, conventional latex and polyurethane condoms are only semi-biodegradable and non-biodegradable, respectively. However, even if you can’t recycle or compost conventional condoms and sex toys, there are lots of sustainable sex materials on the market that you can buy instead!

Glyde condoms are vegan, come in assorted flavors, feel thinner than most conventional condoms, and are actually recommended by PETA. Eco-friendly companies like Lelo and CoCo de Mer make their toys exclusively out of sustainable and/or recyclable materials like glass, metal, hard plastics, and elastomers. There are lots of green and affordable vibrators that run on rechargeable batteries and/or solar panels – take the Acuvibe  and the Sola  for example. Earth Erotics  makes whips out of recycled inner tubes for eco-friendly S&M play, as well as non-toxic, non-PVC dildos, butt plugs, and cock rings.

Be well,
Peter Pointers
peterpointers@lifelube.org
www.lifelube.org/experts.php

 

Peter, I am having a hard time cumming. Help!

 
Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.

Q:Why is it that, myself as a gay man, I can not have an orgasm while receiving oral sex and during anal sex it takes a really long time for me to cum?

A: Thank you very much for your question.  I appreciate that you are looking into this situation that seems to be causing you a bit of frustration. 

I’d like to start by saying that the ways our bodies behave sexually often varies greatly from person to person. So, when talking about topics like the amount of time it takes to cum, you should know that It varies for each person and that many people experience similar problems of not being able to come as quickly as they want to or at all. However, there are some things that we do want to consider.

One difficulty with sexual dysfunctions, aside from the obvious impact it can have on your sex life, is that there are a lot of factors that go into sex and orgasm. As the Mayo Clinic tells us, "male sexual arousal is a complex process involving the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles and blood vessels.” Any glitch in those systems can throw things off and lead to problems in performance.

So, this means that there could be something physical, something medical, or something psychological causing you to have trouble maintaining erections. It then become a matter of trying to eliminate possibilities until something works. Working with a urologist, you could look into physical and medical issues that may be the culprit. Also, talking with a therapist or someone specializing in sexual performance might help with the more psychological side.

Brian Rzepczynski, LCSW, MSW, a couples counselor, a sex therapist, and relationship coach (http://thegaylovecoach.com) says to check with a doctor first, “more often than not these cases tend to be psychological in nature, but inability to climax can also be linked to medication side-effects, aging, or neurobiological issues. If everything checks out ok, it’s more than likely rooted in stress and anxiety or some kind of emotional block.”

Dr. Braden Berkey, Psy.D., the Director of the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Institute at the Center on Halsted and a private practice psychologist, has weighed in on sexual struggles before. According to him, if it is something more brain-related, you may be thinking way too much during sex. Sometimes we just get into a state of mind that we can't seem to shake every time we try having sex.

The trick is to take the focus off the destination and enjoy the journey.

You can do that a number of ways but it all comes down to letting your mind go. Take a break from the mindset of trying to cum – and try not to think about how you are trying not to think about cumming (this is easier said than done, of course). Start with massages, staying focused on the sensations you are experiencing - accepting them as they come without evaluating them. As you move into foreplay and sex, watch for any critical or distracting thoughts seeping in. It will take time to re-train your brain to turn off, so be patient.

If those tips don’t work, and it is causing you enough distress, you may want to bring in a professional. Beyond medical intervention, it is also possible that there are deeper issues attached to ejaculating. If this is the case, it may take more work. Exploring this with a well trained and understanding therapist may be worth the time.

For more reading on the clinical information about this issue, click here.


Be well,
Peter Pointers
peterpointers@lifelube.org
www.lifelube.org/experts.php

Peter, I am attending my first IML in Chicago this year and I was wondering...

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Peter, my boyfriend is hanging out with his ex and I'm jealous. Help!

Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.

Q: Dear Peter-- how do you deal with jealousy in a relationship? My boyfriend keeps hanging out with his ex, and that makes me green with rage! He says they aren't having sex, but I think it feels creepy. Any thoughts?

A: Thank you so much for your question. I imagine that the situation you are describing has been difficult for you and I applaud you for doing a bit of searching so that you can handle it in a way that promotes your own health and worth! 

It sounds like you’ve already started discussing this situation with your partner, and I commend you on taking steps to maintain your relationship – that takes courage.

There are a lot of opinions out there about jealousy in a relationship, both from the general public and from professionals. However, most everyone agrees that jealousy and lack of trust can be very damaging to a relationship.  Some people tend to err on the side of intuition and tell anyone who feels jealous that they must have reason. Some people see jealousy as a emotional problem with the one experiencing the emotion. I feel, however, that situations around jealousy or trust are a bit more complex than that. 

But first:

As you may have read, I am first and foremost a health educator.  I am not a licensed counselor, so I cannot prescribe a treatment for you to make this all better.  Also, relationship coaching is outside of my expertise.  Therefore, I have reached out to another professional in the field who DOES have that expertise.  I came across Brian Rzepczynski, LCSW, MSW, online because he had written a very fitting article titled “Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known as Jealousy.”  Brian has over ten years of practice under his belt of being a couples counselor, a sex therapist, and relationship coach and specializes in gay relationships and is local (practices right up the road in Aurora, IL).

Brian’s article on Jealousy is stuffed full of great information on sources of jealousy, positives and negatives of experiencing that emotion, and ways to overcome your jealous thoughts. The whole article is available here.Check it out.

Here are some highlights of his suggestions for overcoming jealous feelings:

• Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy--it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.
  
  
• Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.
  
  
• Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
  
  
• Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
  
  
• Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him?
  
  
• What is my jealousy really about?
  
  
• What hurts? What's missing in my life?
  
  
• What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
  
  
• Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?

• Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner's behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.
  
  
• Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.
  
  
• As a couple: This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or "relationship rules" need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.

The suggestions Brian makes help uncover whether the jealousy is from insecurity rather than a protective intuition. That is why I like his point about asking yourself if the feelings are rational or irrational. If you come to the conclusion that they are rational, then work on communication with your partner.  Concentrate on “I statements” so that you aren’t accusing your partner of something he may have not done.  Instead talk about how you feel and your perceptions. Give your partner an opportunity to be honest without interruption.

On the other hand, feel empowered to lay down your expectations of the relationship (not your demands – there is a subtle difference).  If the two of you aren’t able to find a common ground where you are both happy and fulfilled, it may be time to consider the option of ending that relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

Be well,

Peter Pointers

peterpointers@lifelube.org

Peter, I want to get back to a healthy weight and don't know where to begin. Help!

via Peter Pointers [Peter Pointers is LifeLube's gay health educator and is assisted by a group of qualified health specialists who work as a team to answer your health questions. Ask about your sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health.] 


Question:

I have let my physical health slip over the years and want to start getting back into shape.  There is so much information on diet and exercise out there and I’m not sure what to believe.  I want to return to a healthy weight again and have the motivation but need some help!  Any information to get me started is appreciated.


Answer:

Thank you so much for your question.  I am happy to hear you are trying to get educated on getting back into shape and improving your physical health. 

You are correct in that there is A LOT of information, some of it misleading, out there today.There are a lot of weight loss gimmicks that make it difficult to trust anything you hear. I can empathize with your frustration and I want to let you know that you are not alone. Obesity is the number one health risk facing America, and according to the Centers of Disease Control, we are becoming more overweight every year. Heart disease continues to be the leading cause of death.Obesity and low physical activity are some of the top risk factors associated with heart disease and thankfully those are risk factors we have control over.

There is a lot that goes into living a healthy lifestyle. Having good mental, social, spiritual, and emotional health is critical for overall wellbeing. In regards to your question on weight loss and getting back into good physical shape, I am going to focus on physical health - specifically nutrition and physical activity.  

Physical activity has many benefits besides just losing weight.

Here are some additional benefits of incorporating physical activity into your everyday life. 

•    Boost your mood
Aerobic exercise can ease the gloominess of depression, reduce the tension associated with anxiety and promote relaxation.

•    Increase your stamina
Aerobic exercise may make you tired in the short term. But over the long term, you'll enjoy increased stamina and reduced fatigue.

•    Ward off viral illnesses
Aerobic exercise activates your immune system. This leaves you less susceptible to minor viral illnesses, such as colds and flu.

•    Reduce your health risks
Aerobic exercise reduces the risk of many conditions, including, heart disease, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, stroke and certain types of cancer. Weight-bearing aerobic exercises, such as walking, reduce the risk of osteoporosis.

I highly recommend, if you’re considering starting a new workout and/or dieting routine, to consult a physician before starting. This will ensure your safety in starting new activity by helping you to make decisions that are best for your health.  

Sometimes the hardest part of physical activity is knowing what and how much to do. 

Finding accurate and reliable information can be difficult so one suggestion I have is sticking with well known sources. Examples of this include government websites like the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, and scholarly journal articles. Blogs, forums, and other websites can have false or misleading information because they are not regulated or peer reviewed. You can trust me and LifeLube, though :)

For adults, The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends 150 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic activity per week and 2 or more days a week of muscle strengthening activities that work all major muscle groups. At first, 150 minutes can sound like a lot but it does not all have to be done at once and can be broken into increments as small as 10 minutes at a time. 

The important thing to consider is finding activities that you enjoy and can incorporate into your lifestyle. 

Exercising should not be a chore and if it feels this way, then I suggest trying other activities you have not tried before. 

Investing in a gym membership can be a great way to have access to professional staff and a variety of equipment but memberships can be expensive. If money is an issue, there are still hundreds of activities you can do outside or at home.  

Having a support system set up is an extremely important aspect of a person’s weight loss journey.

Support systems are used in order to help meet your fitness goals and to overcome any setbacks by helping you push you through the tough times.Having the support of family, friends, and professionals will help you develop and meet those goals.Talking with your support system in advance will be necessary so they know exactly what you are trying to accomplish.  

Nutrition is the other major component to weight loss that I wanted to address. It will be impossible for me to address everything in this post however I can give you some key tips and referrals to online sources to get you started.

Understanding yourself and how you got to your current physical condition is an important first step. Finding the root of the issue is what will help you overcome any unhealthy behaviors and move towards a healthier lifestyle. Recognizing your current eating habits by identifying any unhealthy habits you have as well as any cues that trigger those habits will be important to understand. Keeping a food log will help you identify what those habits are and will allow you to keep track of your daily calorie intake.

Here is a link from the CDC that will help you identify and start to change some unhealthy habits 

Healthy eating is easier said than done. 

Understanding nutrition is a science and a good amount of research will need to be done for you to get solid grasp of the information. The following are resources to get you started. It is unrealistic to make every change out there immediately. Try incorporating a few at a time and gradually build over time. Doing too much at once can set you up for failure in the future.  

Here is a link to help you get mentally prepared for your weight loss journey.

Here is a link to the 2010 Dietary Guidelines for Americans. It is a large document that covers food, nutrients, building healthy eating patterns and balancing calories to maintain weight. It will give you a lot of information on nutrition so you can begin to learn.

Another tip to help you succeed is to write personal goals. 

Goal writing sounds easy but can actually be quite difficult so I encourage you to look at this website to help you get going. Just make sure to develop goals and write them down! Individuals who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them!

I hope this information will get you started. You already have the motivation, so building a support system, identifying behaviors or why you got to your current physical condition,developing goals and slowly incorporating healthier lifestyle choices will be crucial next steps.  

I encourage you to look at those links and try to become as familiar with the information as possible.If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to ask! Good luck on your journey!


Be Well,
Peter
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Peter Pointers Finds the Rotten Core in that Nasty Apple App

via Peter Pointers [Peter Pointers is LifeLube's gay health educator and is assisted by a group of qualified health specialists who work as a team to answer your health questions. Ask about your sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health.]

Apple has been receiving backlash for approving a “gay cure” iPhone app that recently hit the market. 

***As of yesterday, 3/22/11, Apple has yanked the application.  Here is a statement from an Apple spokesperson "We removed the exodus international app from the App Store because it violates our developer guidelines by being offensive to large groups of people." ***

The app comes from Exodus International, an organization that claims it is “the world’s largest ministry to individuals and families impacted by homosexuality that is committed to encouraging, educating and equipping the Body of Christ to address the issue of homosexuality with grace and truth.”  Exodus supports those who “want to reconcile their faith with their sexual behavior by providing resources like outside counselors and support groups.” 

Read the group's press release "Apple Suppresses Diversity by Pulling iPhone Application."

Apple had given the app a rating of “4+” stars which means that it has been found to contain “no objectionable content,”  but many people feel otherwise.  There has been an outpouring of disagreement with Apple’s assessment of the app and, as of 3/22/11, over 150,000 people have signed a petition on Change.org to have the app taken off of the market.  This petition was started by Truth Wins Out, “an organization that counters right-wing misinformation campaigns, debunks the ex-gay myth, and provides accurate information about the lives of LGBT people.” They believe the app’s message is “hateful and bigoted.”  You can see the petition at the Change.org website and more information on the story can be found here

Even though Apple has removed the application, there is still a need to look deeper into the truth behind “gay reparative” therapy?  To find answers, I turned to some highly respected American organizations. 

The American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Counseling Association, and the National Association of Social Workers have all issued statements or resolutions that oppose “reparative” or “conversion” therapies, also known as Sexual Orientation Change Efforts (SOCE).  Links to some of these statements can be found here.

The American Psychological Association (APA) also released a report in 2009 called the “Report of the American Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation.”  The report and reference for the summary of information below can be found here.

The APA has cautioned that research has not shown Sexual Orientation Change Efforts (SOCE) to be effective.  Most medical and mental health experts agree that sexual orientation is not a “reversible lifestyle choice” or mental disorder, but a normal and positive variation of human sexual orientation.  The American Psychiatric Association’s position statement not only opposes “reparative therapy” based on its lack of scientific evidence base, but also acknowledges that attempts to define homosexuality as a mental disorder are simply attempts to discredit further social acceptance of LGB individuals by religiously or politically motivated groups and individuals.  

In addition, research has shown some evidence individuals experience harm from SOCE including loss of sexual feeling, depression, suicidality and anxiety. 

It is considered unethical for mental health practitioners to promise that changing one’s sexual orientation is possible, and they are encouraged to understand the desire that some individuals feel to change their orientation as a result of having been affected by minority stress, discrimination, and anti-gay stigma. 

For these reasons, many feel that Apple’s previous approval of Exodus International’s iPhone app condones the promotion of an unethical, and potentially harmful, “gay cure” and contributes to anti-gay stigma and intolerance. 


Keep your eye on this story as it continues.

Peter, is it true it's more difficult for gay men to sustain long term relationships?

[Peter Pointers is LifeLube's gay health educator and is assisted by a group of qualified health specialists who work as a team to answer your health questions. Ask about your sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health.  Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

  

Question:

Hi Peter,

I have heard that sustaining a long term relationship is more difficult for gay men, is this true? 

Answer:

Hi,

Thank you for your intriguing question!  The LGBT community (gay men in particular) is haunted by the stereotype of an incapability of sustaining long term, monogamous relationships.  To answer this question, I have gathered some information and resources from some interesting sources that look this topic.

To begin, I turned to the research to see if I could find any empirical information on long term stability in gay relationships.  Academic research on homosexual relationships is fairly unchartered waters, but there is a Time magazine article that discussed a study published a few years ago about communication and relationships among gay and lesbian couples.  The article states that researchers found that gays and lesbians are nicer than straight couples in dealing with arguments with their partner (significantly less belligerent, less domineering and less fearful).  In addition, gays and lesbians are likely to use more humor when arguing. 

While this is positive for gay and lesbian couples in regards to having healthy communication in a relationship, there was one finding in that study which went the other way.  It found that gay men were worse than straight and lesbian couples at “repairing” or “making up” after initiating difficult discussions.  In addition to that finding, another study (out of Wright State University) discussed in the Time magazine article, reported that gay and lesbian couples ended relationships sooner than straight couples (the study was conducted over a 12 year period and found that 21% of gay and lesbian couples broke up compared to only 14% of married straight couples). 

So this and other research articles beg the question, why is repairing and maintaining long term relationships potentially more difficult for gay men?  Because the research on this topic is so limited and young, it is difficult to answer this question with a definitive answer.  Looking towards the future however, here are a number of interesting research questions that would help address this question further: 

• The legal issues surrounding gay marriage (gay marriage is still illegal in the majority of U.S states) and its impact on sustaining long term relationships.

• Gay couples internalizing the devaluation of gay relationships from society and its impact on their relationship quality.

• Gay couples agreeing to non-monogamous or open relationships and its impact on sustaining long term relationships.

• The social stigma surrounding LGBT lives (some individuals face mental health issues and poor self concepts as a result of prejudice and discrimination from society) and the challenges that may arise in a relationship as a result. (Check out this study on “Internalized homophobia and relationship quality”).

So, as we can see, research on this question is still forthcoming. However, we do know a lot about relationships in general.  Whether sustaining relationships between gay men is more difficult or not, it is always beneficial to learn what makes up a healthy relationship, signs of an unhealthy relationship and what to do if in an unhealthy situation. 

The best judges of whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy are the people in that relationship.  However, there are some factors to consider when determining if this is a healthy relationship:

1.    Consent – There is agreement by both partners on all activities when both partners can make a conscious decision.

2.    No exploitation - All parties are equally empowered and share decision-making. Both partners feel valued and honored and are not taken advantage of or threatened.

3.    Honesty - Actions demonstrate trustworthiness. There is open, upfront, sincere, and truthful communication; likes and dislikes are vocalized and promises are kept

4.    Mutual pleasure - There is a balanced give and take relationship, without self-centered, forceful, or manipulative means. Partners take pleasure in pleasing their partner and establish comfort zones and understood signals.

5.    Safety and protection (from physical/emotional harm, including STDs) - Partners have knowledge and resources to avoid harm and appropriate measures are taken to ensure the security of all parties. (adapted from www.niu.edu/lgbt/resourcecenter)

It is important to realize that you always have options in relationships.  You can stay with things as they are, chose to work on the relationship, take a break, or end it all together.  Each partner has an equal choice in where the relationship will go in the future.  If you feel you are in an unsafe relationship you can call 1-877-To END DV (City of Chicago Domestic Violence Help Line or (773) 871-CARE (2273) for the Anti-Violence Project Crisis Line. 

You can also visit this website for information on how to recognize if you are in an unsafe relationship

For more information on healthy relationships, follow the links below to two University websites that offer great information on the topic. 

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html

Thank you again for your question.  If there is more information that you need, please do not hesitate to follow up with me.


Be Well,
Peter
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Peter, I am HIV-positive, what about life insurance?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. helped by a team of experts. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

  
Question:

Hi Peter,

I had a question. My partner and I are looking for life insurance, it may not be an issue for him, but an issue lies with me, since I'm HIV-positive, I feel it may be a little harder to find an insurance company that is willing to take me on as a client. I'm writing to see if you have any recommendations. Something affordable, traditional, and just plain gay friendly. Thanks.

Answer:

Hi,

I’m happy that you are looking into options for getting life insurance.  Unfortunately, this information was a little hard to come by.  However, here’s what I found.

I was able to talk with Michael McFadden, the Director of Social Services at Howard Brown Health Center.  He gave me some great information to share with you:

Here are three companies in Illinois that will provide Life Insurance policies to people with HIV...

1. Colonial Penn Guaranteed
        877.877.8052

2. Physicians Life Insurance
        888.932.7642

3. United of Omaha
        866.351.1064

Please note: The policies offered are usually ‘Small Guaranteed Issued Plans.’  They may not pay out if a policy owner dies within the first 2 years of holding the policy.  After two years, they often only pay out approximately $10,000.  There may be preexisting condition clauses.  It is very important for clients to review the entire policy thoroughly before enrolling. 

AIDS Legal Council of Chicago is available to review a policy with/for a client before enrolling.  Contact ALCC at 312.427.8990”

I hope that information helps you out.  If there is more that you need, please don’t hesitate to follow-up with me.

Be well,
Peter Pointers

Be Well,
Peter
Peter Pointers on LifeLube, E-mail Peter
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Peter, what can you do to make anal sex cleaner?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. helped by a team of experts. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question:
Peter, what can you do to make anal sex cleaner?

Answer:
Thanks for your question! You bring up one of the main concern of anyone that is interested in the world of anal sex - cleanliness. Not only is it important to keep yourself clean so you don't have to worry about embarrassment, dirty sheets, etc. but cleanliness can also help to prevent the spread of some infections like Hepatitis A.

To start, if you are new to having anal sex with another man, I want to provide you with a very well-written and useful resource out of Terrence Higgins Trust in the United Kingdom called "The Bottom Line." In there, you can find a wealth of information on how to stay safe, clean, and comfortable! Read it closely and ask me any questions that might arise.

Now, the easiest way to keep "mud off the helmet" would to be cover up that helmet. Condoms do wonders for protecting your health, but they also are great for easy clean-up! Many men in relationships like to use them to keep their dip-sticks clean by covering up, pulling out, and using a tissue to remove the cover.

Another potential way of reducing mess is to work on cleaning up the anus before having sex. Now, this must be done with care, since it is a delicate area and too much cleaning can put you at increased risk for injury or infection (including sexually transmitted infections and HIV). Some men find that just using a damp washcloth to gently wipe and clean before sex is enough. However, some men prefer to clean a little more thoroughly by douching. "The Bottom Line," link provided above, discusses anal douching on page 11 and 12. So read that to begin. They also refer us to an enema FAQ here for more information. If you have questions about douching, don’t be afraid to ask.

I hope that helps out. Good luck and have some fun. Don't let a little mess get you down. As some may say "shit happens!"

Be well,
Peter Pointers

Be Well,
Peter
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Peter, can you point me to some gay-friendly churches?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual health, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. helped by a team of experts. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question:   Peter, can you help point me to some gay or gay-friendly churches/congregations? I'm Catholic, but the denomination doesn't really matter.

Answer: Hi, thank you for your question. I'm glad to hear that you are seeking out places to express your spirituality. Studies consistently show that spirituality is an important component to a person's wellness. Sometimes this is easier said than done, especially when you would like a safe and affirming place as a member of the LGBT community. Luckily, there are a wealth of options around Chicago.

Since you mention a familiarity with Catholicism, you may want to start with information on the Archdiocesan Gay and Lesbian Outreach, who run a Catholic service. This site comes recommended by some of our staff. Also, the Catholic community of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church.

Another option, the Episcopal Diocese of Chicago is an affirming congregation. One specific location that comes recommended is the Church of Our Savior on Clark and Fullerton.

These are just a few specifically recommended options. However, there are MANY more options across Chicago from Wicker Park to Boystown, Northside to Southside.

For a huge and helpful list with lots of options check this link out.

I hope those references help. If you have trouble making a decision, feel free to drop me a line back and I'll try to find more information more specific to your needs. Also, if readers of this post have ideas, please leave them as a comment.


Be Well,
Peter
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