Things to say during sex

Peter, what is the proper way to clean dildos?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual healthy, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question: What is the proper way to clean dildos?

Answer: Thank you so much for your question about cleaning your dildos. It's an important question for those of us who love our toys! Let me take care of the "easy" part first. Thanks to our friends at www.mypleasure.com and www.babeland.com, here's a breakdown of how to clean sex toys by material:

* Silicone: Hypoallergenic and easiest to maintain, silicone dildos and non-battery-operated toys may be boiled for two to three minutes, or washed with soap and water. NEVER boil silicone sex toys with electrical components. Let them air dry completely or dry with a lint-free cloth before storing.

* Plastic/Acrylic/Glass: All can be washed with warm water and anti-bacterial hand soap and sterilized using an alcohol-soaked cotton ball (rinse thoroughly afterward); acrylic and glass toys may be boiled or submerged in hot water if they're not battery-operated.

* Rubber/Latex and Jelly: These products are extremely porous, so be sure to wash them thoroughly with warm water and anti-bacterial hand soap, and rinse so that no trace of soap is left, as it can degrade the material and cause irritation to you. Again, while it's a good idea to use a condom with any insertable toys, it's an especially good idea with these materials.

* Realistics: Names include CyberskinTM, FuturoticTM, NeoSkin®, Soft TouchTM, UltraSkin, and FauxskinTM (if you're unsure of the type of material, check the packaging or product page, or contact Customer Service), and this type of material is widely used for erection rings and masturbation sleeves, as well as vibrators and dildos. Thoroughly wash with warm (never hot) water and a liquid antibacterial soap, then let air dry completely. Once dry, sprinkle with the included "renewing" powder or cornstarch. Never use talcum powder or baby powder, as these can cause irritation and sometimes larger problems for women (pure talc is fine but very difficult to find).

Because sex toys not only touch your skin, but touch very intimate areas of your body, it's extremely important to know whether you have any allergies or sensitivities to certain materials, cleansers, etc. If you're not sure, we highly recommend that you do an allergy test on a small patch of skin, such as the wrist, before using any product.

For a more complete guide to cleaning sex toys by material, check out http://www.babeland.com/shoppingadvice/care-and-cleaning. They do a great job with examples of toys to help you out.



Be Well,
Peter Pointers
Friend Peter on Facebook

Childhood Sexual Abuse Highly Associated With HIV Risk-Taking Behavior and Infection Among MSM

Childhood Sexual Abuse Is Highly Associated With HIV Risk-Taking Behavior and Infection Among MSM in the EXPLORE Study.

ABSTRACT

Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, 2009 Apr 13. [Epub ahead of print]

Mimiaga MJ, Noonan E, Donnell D, Safren SA, Koenen KC, Gortmaker S, Oʼcleirigh C, Chesney MA, Coates TJ, Koblin BA, Mayer KH.

From the *Departments of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA; daggerEpidemiology Unit, The Fenway Institute, Fenway Community Health, Boston, MA; double daggerStatistical Center for HIV/AIDS Research and Prevention (SCHARP), Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, Seattle, WA; section signDepartments of Society, Human Development and Health, and Epidemiology, Harvard School of Public Health, Boston, MA; ||Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, The University of California at San Francisco, San Francisco, CA; paragraph signThe University of California Los Angeles School of Medicine, Los Angeles, CA; #New York Blood Center, New York, NY; and **Departments of Infectious Diseases and Community Health, Miriam Hospital, Brown Medical School, Providence, RI.

BACKGROUND:

Previous studies have found high rates of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) among US men who have sex with men (MSM). CSA history has been associated with a variety of negative effects later in life including behaviors that place MSM at greater risk for HIV acquisition and transmission. The present analysis is the first to examine the longitudinal association between CSA and HIV infection, unprotected anal sex, and serodiscordant unprotected anal sex, as well as mediators of these relationships among a large sample of HIV-uninfected MSM.

METHODS:

The EXPLORE Study was a behavioral intervention trial conducted in 6 US cities over 48 months with HIV infection as the primary efficacy outcome. Behavioral assessments were done every 6 months via confidential computerized assessments. Longitudinal regression models were constructed, adjusting for randomization arm, geographical location of study site, age at enrollment, education, and race/ethnicity.

RESULTS:

Of the 4295 participants enrolled, 39.7% had a history of CSA. Participants with a history of CSA [adjusted hazards ratio = 1.30, 95% confidence interval (CI): 1.02 to 1.69] were at increased risk for HIV infection over study follow-up. A significant association was seen between history of CSA and unprotected anal sex (adjusted odds ratio = 1.24, 95% CI: 1.12 to 1.36) and serodiscordant unprotected anal sex (adjusted odds ratio = 1.30, 95% CI: 1.18 to 1.43). Among participants reporting CSA, the EXPLORE intervention had no effect in reducing HIV infection rates. Participants reporting CSA were significantly more likely to have symptoms of depression and use nonprescription drugs.

CONCLUSIONS:

A predictive relationship between a history of CSA and subsequent HIV infection was observed among this large sample of HIV-uninfected MSM. Findings indicate that HIV-uninfected MSM with CSA histories are at greater risk for HIV infection, report higher rates of HIV sexual risk behavior, and may derive less benefit from prevention programs. Future HIV prevention interventions should address the specific mental health concerns of MSM with a history of CSA.

Tell us (and daddy too...)

You can tell us

Alternative Sexuality Conference May 21

Center on Halsted
Chicago
May 21, 2009
Click image for more info and to register

Masturbation Matters (part 2)

[click here to read part 1]

by middle
[read his "one fey's tale" posts]

Solo masturbation circles (during which participants pleasure only themselves) bring new meaning to the term circle jerk. I’ve attended and hosted a few of them and experienced their potential to generate a very intense collective sexual intensity.

First, they’re safe in a way that’s extremely difficult for other group sex encounters to be. The risk of transmitting sexual infections is reduced to nil. An ideal environment is created for those who have anxieties about their bodies or sharing sexual energy.

Second, it’s a great way to focus intention for specific purposes (healing, magick, changing the world, whatever.) Whether you’re masturbating for inner or outer peace, for stability or change, for more love or less war, there’s a powerful energy that can be channeled.

Not least of all, for we pozzies, it is a great way to get off with others while avoiding the mental effort of thinking about statuses, disclosure, and the like.

How to host a solo masturbation circle

Here’s the kind of experience I’ve shared with my fey families. You may want to give it a try and create your own version (but dammit, if you’re rimming, sucking and fucking, you’re not having a jack-off party!)

Prepare

Do you need mats or pillows to sit on? What kind of lube do you prefer? Choices are good. I recommend providing at least one each of the following: water-based (consider silicone free to acommodate those who prefer that,) plant-based (like coconut or olive oil,) and petroleum-based (environmental considerations not withstanding, some folks swear by baby oil and the aforementioned Albolene rocks!) You’ll probably want a roll of paper towels or a pile of clean wash cloths. Drinking water is a must. I also recommend a bowl of fruit (more about this later.)

Circle up

In addition to masturbating, most participants will want to share. You need enough space for everyone to sit in something approximating a circle - everyone should be able to see everyone else. Indoors or out, you want to ensure access and comfort. Excessive distractions of any kind are a no-no (in one very focused session I went as far as turning off the power in my condo). If your circle is happening in the context of a larger gathering, it should be easy for those inside and outside (non-participants) to recognize the space’s boundary.

Talk first…

Intentions are important for growth, healing, and magick. It’s good to start by going around the circle a time or two, using basic customs. In fey settings, this usually means passing a wand or other talisman (it needn’t be fancy – a nice stone or crystal will do.) The idea is for all to focus on the person holding the talisman; talking “across the circle” or addressing individuals is generally avoided. Folks can choose to “pass” but are encouraged to at least introduce themselves. Good questions to focus on are “Why am I here?” and “What do I expect to get out of this experience?”

The facilitators might want to explain how the ritual will proceed and reassure those in the circle that everyone is invited to participate in their own way with one caveat: it is not okay to “just watch.” At this time, you can address logistics such as establishing when the circle is closed to additional participants. Encourage folks who have not already done so to begin disrobing.

During this “warm-up” stage, it’s good to encourage folks to feel free to begin touching themselves sensually. Some may have joined seeking growth or adventure. Other individuals may share that they are bringing spiritual or personal issues to the circle for healing. These may relate to self-image, a recent loss, or miscellaneous sexual baggage. Our groups are ejaculation neutral. If you want, go for it. If not, that’s cool too.

Masturbate

At some point talk will naturally fade as folks begin to fondle and stroke themselves, each at their own pace. Energies will begin to move within and around the circle, the total being greater than the sum of its parts. You’re likely to find the experience heightened in a number of ways. These circles tend to create their own narrative; you’ll notice a natural beginning, middle, and end. Individuals will experience their self-pleasure with grimaces, laughter, tears, or quiet smiles. Some will come quietly . . . and others won’t!

Since everyone may not desire to or be able to reach a climax, knowing when to bring the masturbation phase of the circle to a close can be tricky. We ask our fellow masturbators to signify when they are finished by ritually choosing a piece of fruit and taking a bite. The group doesn’t move on until all have done so.

…talk again, then close.

It’s not uncommon for at least one participant to feel a need to leave early or bolt towards the wrap-up. That’s fine. Most of you, however, will want closure. Pass the talisman a couple more times. “What did you feel?” “Was it what you expected?” When the time is right, circle up, hold hands, and close with a meditation or group hug.

Without exception, I’ve left these circles each time feeling very moved and connected to others who shared the experience. Your desire to talk about it may extend beyond the session, or you may find yourself speechless. If you didn’t think so before, it’s pretty certain that you’ll leave the circle with a feeling that masturbation really can matter.

Are you TWENTY-SOMETHING?

click to enlarge


TWENTY-SOMETHING: A twice-monthly support and discussion group for gay and bisexual, HIV-positive men in their twenties, at TPAN.

What makes a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships require patience, creativity, skill and commitment. It can be hard work, but few accomplishments in life are more satisfying.

via GAYTWOGETHER

...An ability to put the partner’s needs on a par with our own is something healthy relationships have in common. This rarely means splitting decisions right down the middle; it’s more likely that I give you what you want sometimes while I get more of what I desire on another occasion. We don’t keep score, but we have a rough sense of balance that works for us. When things get out of balance, we talk about it.

Read it all.

Masturbation Matters (part 1)

I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught.
- Joycelyn Elders

by middle
[read his "one fey's tale" posts]

During the brief time Dr. Elders served as the United State Surgeon General, most of cheered her on. Today as advocates we talk a lot about combination prevention and tool kits, but why don’t our polished power point slides include masturbation as a prevention technique?

Several among my all-time most enjoyable sexual encounters were exclusively masturbation-focused. Beyond being a fun pastime, a source of energy, an instrument of growth, and a balm for healing, masturbation can also be a handy tool for prevention.

One of the first AIDS-related articles I encountered in gay media was a version of the New York Jacks’ “How to Have a Jack-Off Party.” Right there in my favorite digest-sized mag I found a practical guide which covered every detail from how to set up your clothes check (paper grocery bags and magic markers were recommended) to what kind of lube to use (never use KY jelly which the article claimed “turns to glue and causes dick damage,” but always include a theatrical make-up remover known as Albolene.) During these parties, the article said, sex play was limited to masturbation – “lips above the hips” and “no penetration” were the watchwords. At the time I was much too inhibited to find or create a real j/o party for myself, but I loved the idea.

From the time I became old enough to discuss such things, I’d heard about circle jerks but never participated in one. Certain neighbor kids and I and played games of titillation, mutual masturbation, and eventually more, but I didn’t ever encounter what I first imagined and later saw depicted in porn.

In the late 90’s and over a decade after I’d gotten my HIV diagnosis, I finally attended a New York Jacks party and had a blast. It wasn’t the first time I found limits to be exciting. I enjoyed the level playing field a nearly clothing-free environment provided, and the intensity of focusing on a singular aspect of sexuality was way hot. Moreover, I finally got to experience that fabulous but elusive Albolene.

A couple of years later and nearly two decades after I first read about it, the lube finally came to Tennessee. I was so infatuated I bought three jars, enough to last for years.

Still, I was frustrated. One of my pet peeves was the misuse of the term jack-off party. It bugged the hell out of me that local hosts applied it to lots of their organized sex parties. My reaction was related to my impatience with internet profiles seeking “j/o only, must be HIV negative.” Sex parties can be fun, but in addition to the previously enumerated thrill factors, a true jack-off party would have obvious stress reducing advantages for my HIV-positive self. In a supposedly liberated, out, post millennium world, why can’t horny men own their desires? Internalized homophobia? Maybe. Good old Baptist shame (this is the South)? Probably.

Eventually, I lucked into unique opportunities to explore the potential of a different kind of group masturbation. It began one faerie gathering with the announcement of a big jack-off extravaganza. Knowing what I knew, and given the impromptu timing and anarchic setting, I decided it best not to attend.

As it happened, there were a few surprised and slightly traumatized faeries at breakfast the next morning. They had entered the space thinking that the party would be about masturbation and masturbation only. They’d wanted to dip their respective big toes in the waters of group sex, and everyone else just canon-balled off the high-dive. As the party evolved into an all-out suck-and-fuck-fest, they left, disappointed and a little freaked.

Fortunately, word gets around at gatherings. Immediately, in that magical faerie way, a response manifested itself. We’d hold a different kind of event – a masturbation circle where folks would only pleasure themselves.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” I thought…

(...to be continued next Friday)

Swiss court: HIV exposure only "hypothetical" if on successful treatment

[NOTE: LifeLube meant to point you to this important article last week when it was first reported but got caught up and forgot. Our bad.]

by via Aidsmap by Edwin J. Bernard

Swiss court accepts that criminal HIV exposure is only 'hypothetical' on successful treatment, quashes conviction

In the first ruling of its kind in the world, the Geneva Court of Justice has quashed an 18-month prison sentence given to a 34-year-old HIV-positive African migrant who was convicted of HIV exposure by a lower court in December 2008, after accepting expert testimony from Professor Bernard Hirschel – one of the authors of the Swiss Federal Commission for HIV/AIDS consensus statement on the effect of treatment on transmission – that the risk of sexual HIV transmission during unprotected sex on successful treatment is 1 in 100,000.

Read the rest.

Read other LifeLube posts related to the Swiss Declaration - referred to above.

When you have to dial it in...

Gay Relationships: Long-Distance Lovers Lament No More!

Nothing pains the heart more than being separated from your honey. You worked really hard to find Mr. Right and build a fulfilling life with him over the years.You’ve encountered and conquered so many challenges together and relish in the romance and richness of being a committed couple. You view the rewards of your partnership as great and can’t wait to share more experiences that will further enrich your relationship. That’s the vision that most happy couples report!

But what if you and your partner don’t live together and are physically separated, perhaps living on opposite sides of the globe?

Maybe a job or a family crisis has forced you apart. Perhaps it’s just a temporary departure from each other; for some, the situation is permanent and must be adapted to. Whatever the circumstance, maintaining a long-distance relationship can be very difficult and taxing for couples. But while this scenario can be challenging and put a relationship to the test, it can be done and there are scores of people that are in this predicament and make it work successfully.

Read the rest on GAYTWOGETHER.

Work It Out (and in, and out)

'Sexercise' yourself into shape

via BBC World


The NHS has some new advice for people struggling to schedule a fitness routine into their daily lives - a workout between the sheets.

According to the NHS Direct website, "sexercise" can lower the risk of heart attacks and helps people live longer.

Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.

Sexual health experts said such claims could not be scientifically proven. "It's good to see the NHS are promoting sexual wellbeing," Dr Melissa Sayer told the Guardian newspaper. "Yes, there is evidence that sex has benefits for mental wellbeing, but to say there is a link with reduced risk of heart disease and cancer is taking the argument too far."

NHS Direct, however, told the paper the content was "backed by science and clinical evidence" and "isn't just a bit of fun".

'Regular romps' The advice, published under the headline "Get more than zeds in bed", is one of several sexual health-related articles to be found on the NHS Direct website. Sex with a little energy and imagination provides a workout worthy of an athlete, the article says.

"Forget about jogging round the block or struggling with sit-ups. Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour." The advice suggests "regular romps this winter" could lead to a better body and a younger look.

Increased production of endorphins "will make your hair shine and your skin smooth," it adds. "If you're worried about wrinkles - orgasms even help prevent frown lines from deepening."

The article goes on to say that orgasms release "painkillers" into the bloodstream, which helping keep mild illnesses like colds and aches and pains at bay. The production of extra oestrogen and testosterone hormones "will keep your bones and muscles healthy, leaving you feeling fabulous inside and out".

Compulsive sex - when healthy sexuality moves towards an addiction

“I know guys who will drive around the city block for three hours looking for prostitutes. They aren’t genitally aroused, but are emotionally aroused looking for sex. They aren’t actually addicted to sex, but the pursuit.”

Is sex really an addiction?

Read the whole article in the Chicago Free Press.




Some signs you may have a sexual addiction:

• You are experiencing a loss of control. For example, you don’t want to spend six hours a night on Manhunt, but you can’t stop yourself.
• You are keeping your sexual life a secret.
• Your sexual behavior is causing you physical harm. For example, you masturbate so frequently there is tissue damage.
• You spend so much time finding people to hook up with, surfing porn or masturbating that it’s interfering with work or other life goals.
• Your sexual behavior is getting in the way of your primary relationships, such as your partner, family or friends.
• Despite any severe consequences you experience—becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease, getting in trouble with the law for having sex in a public place or getting fired from work for surfing for porn—you still can’t stop.
• Your behavior has escalated. You used to go out searching for sex two nights a week, and now it is every night.

Read the whole article in the Chicago Free Press.

Don't Assume - Make your Relationship Agreements Explicit and Specific

via our aussie friends, acon

Relationship Agreements are the agreements that people make in regards to the sex they have inside and outside of a relationship. All relationships have agreements about how we live and operate in the relationship including things like whether you separately or together, how much time you spend together and what you do with that time, how you operate financially, who cooks, who cleans and what you watch on TV. The agreements below are specifically about the sex people choose to have. This includes sex with each other and or sex with other people.

There is no one relationship agreement that fits all people or types of relationships.

All relationships are different and there fore so are the agreements we need to make. The relationship agreements you had in your last relationship may not be a good one for your current relationship. Indeed your relationship agreement may change throughout your relationship. Your relationship agreements must be based on what you and your partner want and feel, not what other people are saying or doing All relationships have a relationship agreements, not just open relationships. Exclusive relationships have a relationship agreements, that is, they agree to only have sex with each other It may sound trite, but assuming you are monogamous is not an agreement; it is an assumption, and those assumptions may be incorrect. So talking about your agreement is the best way to avoid misunderstandings.

Basically, Agreements need to be clear and spoken between both of you.

They must be agreed to by both of you. One partner suggesting an arrangement and the other not agreeing is not an agreement. Don’t feel harassed or coerced into agreeing to something that you are not comfortable with as you will often only regret the decision. If you are unsure about something you can continue to consider it, read up on the issue, or trial it to see if it is want you both want or if it will work for your relationship.

Relationship agreement’s need to be specific and detailed. They should outline the type of sex that is allowed, with whom, where, when, safety considerations like safe sex, and alcohol and drug consumption, and other conditions that suit your relationship.

Read the rest for other things to consider.

Sexual Negotiations

"My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, be rough and call him names. I have a real hard time with any of that even though he's asked me to on more than one occasion."

One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.

Read the rest on Gay.com.

Resolve to Have More Sex!

Highlights from the extra.ca article - "Need a new resolution? Have more sex"


"People make all sorts of resolutions about their bodies and their lives but neglect sex," laments Brenda Kerber, commenting on North America's annual tradition of declaring self-improvement wishes.

..."I love the idea of people putting effort into sex," gushes Edmonton-based Dr Brian Parker, a clinical sexologist and sex educator, "because people forget that sex takes work."

...According to Babeland, a company that "sells sex toys to a passionate world," vibrators are good on any number of male body parts including "on the perineum (the skin between the anus and the balls)," which the Babeland website promises will "send a buzz toward the prostate, a much-overlooked male erogenous zone." Speaking of the prostate, Kerber notes sex is a great way to achieve a popular New Year's resolution towards better health. "Regular ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer," she says, adding that for everybody, sex releases endorphins that make people feel better while reducing stress.

...Parker suggests people try things that they would not normally do. "People get into a sexual routine, products can help break the monotony," he says. Introducing toys, props and objects like whips, feathers and even condoms into sex can create new and exciting dynamics. He suggests guys can jerk off while wearing or smelling a condom, and they can rip up a condom and use the base of it as a cock ring. All of which eroticizes the condom and makes it a sexual toy on a person's own terms rather than as prescribed by health and government officials.

Read the whole thing.

"Ciao" Star Alessandro Calza on Gayness, Sexiness, Relationships and More

via Gay Agenda

It is very difficult to find role models and that’s pretty hard. This is still a big problem for young generations because you don’t have role models in sports and entertainment, which is where straight people positive role models are. being gay is hard because of that (and because of many other reasons of course) but at the same time is quite good cause it is a chance to reinvent yourself in different terms, to challenge yourself questioning what’s your real self, instead of buying a pre-manufactured way of being from the outside (like most straight people do). It is a great chance, some people take it some people don’t…that’s why eventually, despite diversity, stereotypes are pretty much in the gay scene too.

Read the whole thing.

Hermanos de Luna y Sol - Gay Latino Men and Allies, You're Invited

Please RSVP for “Hermanos de Luna y Sol – Addressing Stigma and Promoting Community Involvement as HIV Prevention for Latino Gay Men.”

The FREE community forum for Gay Latino Men and their allies, at La Estancia in Chicago, features Dr. Rafael Diaz of San Francisco State University (above left), Dr. Jesus Ramirez-Valles of UIC (above right), and a performance by Nuestro Tambo.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
La Estancia 2753 West Division, Chicago
6pm – light refreshments
7pm – presentation and discussion, followed by Nuestro Tambo

Click here to check out the flyer.

Space is limited for this FREE event. You must RSVP.

Click here to RSVP online today.

Call 312-334-0939 to RSVP by phone.

Blog about it – everybody welcome!

Where does this dude get off?

Hi everyone.

My name is Hudson and I live on the north side of Chicago.

I am a 31-year-old HIV poz gay man. When I tell people my story, they say, “where does this dude get off telling me this, that shit won’t happen to me?” I’ve been negative, attempted to stay that way, but ended up becoming poz. There were steps I should have taken, I didn’t, but now I am taking steps to keep me healthy.

It has always been hard for me to use condoms, but once I found out that I was poz, it became necessary for me to use condoms for me and my partners. Not only to keep those men I slept with safe, but also to keep me safe! I didn’t want to catch anything else!

It’s been a struggle, but I am proud to say that every time I have had sex in the past two months I used a condom. It most definitely wasn’t easy. There were some fine men out there that didn’t care that I was poz, but I couldn’t risk harming them or me.


[Do you want to share your story with LifeLube? What do you do to stay healthy - physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or sexually? What does "healthy" mean to you? How do you find intimacy - friends, lovers, fuckbuddies? Where have you struggled? What works for you? We would love to publish your pearls, right here, so contact us!]