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Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in hisprofile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years.Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in his profile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Time to Break-Up?

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential

Dear Alan,

When my boyfriend and I go out clubbing, he's always looking for someone to "whistle at" and is now introducing me as his friend. Should I stay vested in this relationship now realizing that I'm not "his type"? I sound entirely self loathing but I'm not. I just don't know when someone is Mr Right- I appreciate what I've learned from him but is now a time to call it quits or simply is this something a gay male should expect?

Rob



Dear Rob,

This is a critical point in your relationship as you are evaluating whether or not he is the right one for you. You are noticing that something isn’t feeling good to you and asking yourself the important question of whether or not you should stay with him. It’s great that you are listening to your inner voice that is trying to alert you that something about this relationship may not be in your best interest.

This isn’t really a question about gay relationships. I hear this from people in all kinds of relationships. Knowing whether your mate is the right one for you is best looked at in two ways. The first is the extent to which your mate fits with what you are most attracted to in terms of physical attributes, common interests, shared values, personality traits, etc. Secondly, and perhaps more important for the long haul, is the question, How do I feel in relationship with this person? Do I feel honored, respected, admired, listened to, validated, etc.? Think about what feels good to you, how you want to feel, and whether or not this relationship meets those needs.

Leaving a relationship can be a difficult and painful process but you can’t say “Yes” to the right relationship until you are able to say "No” to the wrong one. Listen to your heart and it will guide you.







Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Does he want a Woman?

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for two years. We are in our longest time span together now and things were going great until last week. I was using his computer and stumbled upon some pictures of me and of naked women. I freaked out and asked him about it. He said that he used to want a traditional family, with a wife and kids, but that he doesn't anymore. He told me he is in love with me and that is all he needs. He also said that sometimes he likes to masturbate to naked women. But thinking about it, I realize that he never bottoms or reciprocates during sex with me. I left his apartment and haven't talked to him in 3 days.

Am I over-reacting? I've heard dating bisexual people is way more complicated and have vowed never to do it. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, or how to get past this.

Please help.

Craig



Dear Craig,

I can imagine how frustrating and confusing this must be for you. It is good that you asked your boyfriend about what you discovered. Sexuality is very complex and sexual orientation is influenced by many factors, including sexual/erotic attractions, sexual behavior, psychological and emotional attachments, sexual fantasies, and community affiliations. Everyone falls somewhere across a spectrum of how they identify their sexual orientation and all of these factor play a role in that. (Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale?) It appears that your boyfriend falls somewhere in the middle range of the scale but that is for him to figure out. There are many ways that partners who don't fall exactly on the same point of the scale create a sexually harmonius relationship. What you need to decide for yourself is what your tolerance is for a partner whose sexual identity doesn't exactly match yours.

Now in my opinion Craig, there are bigger issues that may be going on with you and your boyfriend that are about honesty and trust. I'm curious about why you guys have an off and on relationship, how it is that you "stumbled" upon those pictures, and the nature of the communication that goes on between you both. I recommend having conversations together about this as these relationship qualities are more likely to determine the longevity and mutual fulfillment of the relationship than the specifics of your respective sexual orientation identifications.

My best wishes for you and your boyfriend as you explore these very important issues.

Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Lovers' Quarrel Leads Nowhere

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential

Dear Alan – I’m a happy, healthy 25 year-old guy in Chicago. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about eight months now, and things are going well. My problem is that whenever my boyfriend and I fight about something it never ends well and things are never resolved. We just pout and eventually make up, but never really address the issue at hand. How do couples fight healthily and tackle the problems in their relationship head-on?

Dan



Dear Dan,

I'm delighted to hear you are happy and healthy in Chicago. Regarding your relationship with your boyfriend, I'm curious about why you are fighting when you've only been together for 8 months. Some important questions that come to mind are: How often do the fights occur? What are the fights about? What do you mean by "...it never ends well..."? Is there any kind of emotional or physical abuse going on? What issues from your respective families and prior relationship are being played out together?

These are some big and possibly complex questions. A relationship that is only 8 months old should probaby not be so difficult, with fights that continually end without resolution. My best advice to you both is to consider doing some couples therapy together. By working with a trained counselor, you will benefit from having an objective third party help you focus in on the underlying issues that are creating conflict. You will also learn to work through these conflicts constructively and respectfully so you both feel better about yourselves individually and as a partnership. Consider it an investment in your relationship that will likely lead to a deeper understanding of one another and a more intimate connection. Even if you don't end up staying together (although the chances of doing so will greatly increase if you seek some professional guidance), the self-awareness you gain and communication skills you learn will benefit you in every relationship that follows. Many LGBT community centers offer counseling for couples. Therapists in private practice are also good resources. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best.







Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang:Opening up a relationship the right way

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan,

My partner and I are in our 30's, have been together for three years and are now considering opening up our relationship. We have a good sex life and love each other a lot, but both of us crave physical contact with other men. What advice do you have to help us do this in a way that sustains our long-term commitment to one another?

Jorge

Dear Jorge,

First, let me say that having discussions with your partner about an open relationship before either of you act upon your desires to be sexual with other men is the first step in creating a plan that will minimize problems down the road that could lead to the destruction of your relationship. Too many couples, straight and gay, find themselves in an open relationship before they have both considered all the implications and risks and before they have agreed to mutually acceptable terms of the arrangement. So I commend you both for exploring this together openly before moving ahead.

There are many different ways that couples create non-monogamous relationships. This can range from a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to complete openness, with many variations in between. In my experience, couples that negotiate the terms of the arrangement openly and honestly before having sex with others outside of their primary relationship have the best success  in protecting their relationships while meeting their desires to have sexual contact with others.

The first consideration needs to be a rigorously honest self-reflection about whether or not each of you truly want to have an open relationship. Very often, one partner in the relationship agrees to an open arrangement out of fear of losing the other if he doesn't go along with it, which will likely lead to serious conflicts later on.

There are some very important relationship qualities that must exist for an open relationship to be fulfilling to both partners, and to avoid jeopardizing the viability of the primary relationship. These include honesty, trust, respect, and safety. If these qualities exist, the couple can then enter into a negotiation about what the mutually acceptable terms of the open arrangement are. Issues to consider are disclosure, acceptable sexual partners, sexual practices, safer sex, location of sexual encounters, boundaries around sexual and emotional relations with others, and whether or not both need to be present when engaging in sex with others. Most important to include in these negotiations is what the consequences will be if the agreed upon rules are broken.

I also encourage you to consider utilizing the support of a therapist to help facilitate the negotiations. It is important to choose a therapist that has a sex-positive attitude about non-monogamy but also a realistic understanding of the risks of an open relationship and the capacity to engage you both in open conversations about them.

Open relationships can be very gratifying to both partners when created in a way that preserves the dignity of each partner and allows each to express their own integrity. On the other hand, opening up a relationship that doesn't have a solid foundation can be the beginning of a painful ending to a partnership. I wish you both the best in working through this very delicate decision and negotiation process.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

* Join LifeLube in Chicago for "Love in the Age of Grindr" - a forum for gay and bi men to discuss all types of relationships plus being single in a wired, real-time age. May 19, at REHAB (front bar of Circuit). Learn more.

Find Lasting Love with Help from Alan Irgang

Lookin for love in all the wrong places? Then join LifeLube's own Alan Irgang for Dating and Mating: A New Road Map to Lasting Love taking place Mondays, April 12-May17, 2010, and learn how to find, build and sustain the intimate relationship you want.

In this 6-week interactive group, you will learn to:

• Transform negative beliefs into positive affirmations of romance and love
• Be the best “YOU” to attract the right mate
• Discover the best ways to meet quality people for friendship and romance
• Discern the many disguises of love
• Make healthy decisions about sex and dating
• Create a fun and practical Dating Plan to guide your romantic journey

Check out Alan's website for more information!

Learn How to Find a Relationship in the Gay World with Alan Irgang

Lookin for love in all the wrong places? Then join LifeLube's own Alan Irgang for Dating and Mating: A New Road Map to Lasting Love taking place Mondays, April 12-May17, 2010, and learn how to find, build and sustain the intimate relationship you want.

In this 6-week interactive group, you will learn to:

• Transform negative beliefs into positive affirmations of romance and love
• Be the best “YOU” to attract the right mate
• Discover the best ways to meet quality people for friendship and romance
• Discern the many disguises of love
• Make healthy decisions about sex and dating
• Create a fun and practical Dating Plan to guide your romantic journey

Check out Alan's website for more information!

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Racism in the Gay Dating Scene

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan,

I am an Asian guy, turning 26yo this year. I have been in this new city and gay neighborhood for almost a year now, it is sad to say that I am feeling out of place in the gay community.

I tried hard to deny this but I felt sexuality and romance could be so racist. I am surprised to see how people treat each other according to race while looking for sex or dates. Most people would not be interested when I walk in a bar. Surfing on the internet there are profiles after profiles that excludes Asians just on the basis of race. I had struggled for years with my sexuality, now I still do not have close gay friends that accept me as a person inside.

Dating is even a bigger challenge. Keeping a guy interested rarely happens. I tried to accept that it was just me they rejected, but most of the time my personality, my taste and my capacity for love could be completely ignored or not given any chance to be shown. I'm tired of this. I felt very frustrated and hurt. Please give me some guidance...

-Ken




Dear Ken,

Your letter reflects the sad and unfortunate reality that racism does exist in the gay community and beyond. It is particularly painful when you feel personally impacted by this. Feelings of frustration, rejection, exclusion, and inferiority make the problem particularly difficult to cope with.

I'm happy to hear you reflect that you see yourself as more than just your race. You have a lot to offer to another in a romantic relationship and the challenge is finding a mate that is the right fit for you. I hope you can maintain hope for having the kind of relationship you desire for yourself, while considering changing your strategy for calling it into your life. Although frequenting bars and online dating websites are a very popular means of meeting guys, given the amount of time and energy people devote to both, the payoff isn't all that great. There is so much judgment that goes on in those venues that many people end up feeling hurt and rejected. I recommend devoting more effort to getting involved in activities and organizations that make you feel good about yourself. This will also help you feel more included in the gay community. If you live in a large city like Chicago, there are over 200 established LGBT organizations. In particular, I encourage you to check out Asians and Friends of Chicago. Whether you are more attracted to Asian men or men of other races, the membership of this organization is quite diverse.

You might also want to consider participating in my 6 week group called Dating & Mating. Among many other topics related to dating and relationship building, we explore the best ways of meeting potential mates. The next group begins April 12. See my website for more information: www.alanirgang.com

Thank you for writing Ken. I wish you all the best in your new social strategy!









Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Finding Love When You're Positive

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Alan, I am a 28-year-old gay man. I came out when I was 18 and since then I've been pretty satisfied with dating and romance. I've always been confident and comfortable with my sexuality. I recently tested HIV-positive and now feel like I have to come out all over again. I've taken a break from dating and now find myself afraid of how people will react when I tell them about my status. I don't know what the rules are. What do I say and when do I say it? And, if safe sex really is safe, do I have to tell them at all? And mostly I'm afraid (although I know it sounds crazy) that no one's ever going to love me again. Can you give me some guidance? --Mark



Dear Mark,

I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. An HIV diagnosis is life-changing in so many ways. Many positive gay men describe the experience exactly the same as you do: another “coming out.” It is complicated and painful. I’m glad you are reaching out for support.

You’ve asked several questions so let me address them one at a time. First, the question of how and when to disclose your status is very complex. Disclosing anything of a personal nature about oneself is a deeply vulnerable thing to do and requires careful consideration of the situation, who is involved, their need to know, your trust in the other person, and how you’ll cope with the outcome if it is not favorable. There really are no established rules about how and when to disclose. It is a very personal choice. Some prefer to put it out there right up front before getting too involved to avoid possible rejection later when they might be more attached to the person. Some prefer to wait until they feel if there is mutual interest and that the relationship is going somewhere. You may have to experiment with both approaches and see what is most comfortable for you.

Your question about whether to disclose your HIV status or not at all is also a personal choice that involves many considerations. My best advice for you is to consider your personal integrity and choose what is most aligned with that. This may include thinking about what and when you would want to know if you were the other person.

Finally, your fear that no one is ever going to love you again doesn’t sound crazy at all. Many who recently test positive feel this way. I imagine you feel like your entire identity is defined by this virus. But with time, you will come to know that you are not "HIV." You are a lovable and complete man living with a chronic (for now) health condition. Also, in my experience working with hundreds of gay men, I have found that most who are positive are fine with dating another positive man and that even most who are negative are open to the possibility.

I encourage you to continue to reach out for support and maybe even join a support group if there is one in your community. If you can’t find one, there is a lot of support available online. Also, be patient with yourself as adjusting to a new diagnosis takes time and self-compassion.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Meeting People Ain't Easy!

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential

Alan - I'm a 26 year-old gay man and am having a really hard time finding men to date. I live in a city much bigger than where I grew up and am surprised at how hard it is to meet guys. Getting phone numbers is easy but keeping them interested rarely happens. I have been told that I can be a little aggressive but that's just my M.O. How do I approach a guy and keep him interested beyond a one night stand? Hook-ups are fun but I want more. Please help. --Randy


Dear Randy,

I hear this question so often, especially from people who are very discouraged and wanting to give up trying. Rejection is painful and it takes a lot of courage to keep putting yourself out there. I commend you for your tenacity.

My recommendation is to consider three aspects of dating. The first is, where are you meeting men? Are you limiting yourself to bars and clubs? Not that you can't meet quality guys in those venues but the best way to meet like-minded men is to get out there and get involved in activities that interest you. Focus less on the hunt and more on creating a fulfilling life for yourself. When you are engaged in doing things that give you pleasure, you will feel happier and appear less desperate. Happy people are more attractive to others. You will be among guys that have some interest in common besides drinking, hooking up, and finding Mr. Right. Do some volunteer work, take a class, learn a new hobby...anything that will draw you out.

Next, think about how you approach men. You are fortunate in that some have given you feedback about how you come across. In most cases, people just get blown off with nothing to work with. Aggression is off-putting; confidence and assertiveness is attractive. Use the feedback constructively and adjust your style of approaching guys.

Finally, if you are expecting romance and an enduring relationship to come from hook-ups, I encourage you to adopt a new strategy. Not that it can't happen that way but you are more likely to sustain mutual interest in the long run if you focus more on your pacing. Delaying sex with a guy you are interested in allows you to build a foundation of substance that is much more sustaining than a roll in the hay. Get to know him first, let him see who you are, and let the romance evolve naturally. We live in a society of immediate gratification and are frequently left always wanting more. A healthy, mutually intimate relationship requires giving it time and nurturing. Those first few months can be so exciting, so why rush through it? Make the honeymoon last as long a you can. You will be glad you did.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

New LifeLube Column: Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang!!!

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here!
*All private information is kept confidential

This is my inaugural column for LifeLube. As I sit here staring at a blank screen wondering what I can say to you, reader, about the vast subject of love, romance, and relationships, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There is so much to tell you. As a psychotherapist for 15 years, I have devoted much of my practice to the mystery of love. How to find it, sustain it, give it, receive it, savor it, lose it, and on and on. I have learned a lot over the years from my clients, countless books, articles, seminars, and from my own personal struggles with it. Yet I always return to the question, "Why is love so difficult?" The resounding response that repeatedly occurs to me is simply, "LIFE is difficult. And LIFE is LOVE. Therefore, LOVE is difficult." (Ah yes of course, the Transitive Property of Mathematics!)


OK, so let's start with the premise that LOVE is difficult. Now where do we go? It's deplorable that in our culture, our education curriculum includes so little to prepare us for Life's most important experience. Yet we sit through endless class periods of subjects that might be cool to learn about, but offer no real guidance about the things that really matter. "Oh that, dear students, you'll have to learn on your own. We don't teach that here." As an adult, I complained about this, quite vocally out loud for a long time until I decided to do something about it. So years ago, I created a coaching class of sorts for gay men about navigating the challenges of dating, romance, and love. It was wildly successful and well received. Knowing I was on the right track, I began offering it to people of all genders and sexual orientations. Over time, I came to realize that regardless of the diversity inherent among all of us, we are all looking for the same thing: To love and be loved. Together, through the sharing of experience, and learning new ways of thinking about and creating love and romance, we can unlock the mystery of the greatest challenge and most rewarding gift of our lifetimes.

So, I offer this forum to you, the seeker of Love. This is your place to ask a question, seek advice, or simply to see if you're on the right track. Know that you are not alone and that your curiosities will be shared by countless others who can relate and identify. Here we can create that class that we should have been offered in school and learn from each other. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you...

Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.