How is Derrick Mathis healthy?

Um, I masturbate a lot. I so dare you guys to post that. 

Other things I do to stay healthy...hmmm...I've slowed down over the years being in my mid-forties. So I'd say that my lifestyle today contributes a lot to my staying healthy. I'm very politically active and very outspoken on social causes. And I honestly believe that because this is where a good portion of my focus and passion is these days, it has created it has more or less created a healthier lifestyle for me without my putting a lot of energy into creating one.

I'm a writer so I spend a lot of time in my head. So today staying healthy means stepping away from my PC and being with friends, you know, getting out of the house, like a movie, meeting for coffee or grabbing a bite to eat. It also means spending time with my family. I have a ton of neices. The youngest is two years old. And I love hangin' out with her when I get the opportunity. Laughter is the healthiest activity I think there is.

And I laugh A LOT.

Other things include cooking at home. I'm big about that these days. Economically it's smarter yet it's healthier. So even though I do go out once in a while for a meal I primarily cook and eat at home. I'm digging going grocery shopping and getting my fresh veggies 'n' stuff. There's these elderly women in the apartment complex where I live and they've taught me alot about picking out veggies when I go grocery shopping.

I can now pick out the best avocado blindfolded and I do pretty well with tomatoes, too. It's all in the feel.

I think most importantly for me these days in terms of staying healthy is my state of mind. Being involved in politics and social justice issues I'm a born debater. So I have to watch myself in terms of getting too emotionally worked up or angry about things. For the most part I've learned that sometimes it's best to let things go----or just move on. Because it can in fact impact my health if I don't.

This sort of behavior-----paying attention to my emotional and mental state of mind-----I'd say is one of the most important things I've found to work in staying healthy. I don't ignore myself anymore when I feel disturbed or something just isn't working for me. I pay attention these days to myself while at the same time trying not to star in my own drama as I work it out-----whatever it is.

I think of all the things I do in terms of healthiness the above would be the number one thing I feel has improved my lifestyle and kept me healthy and hardly sick in the last few years. Don't sweat the small stuff. It'll add years to your life if you just follow that mantra is my feeling.

I will say though in the activity department I could use some work. I used to be quite physically active. The last three or four years however, I've found myself married to my computer. And that's not a good thing. So within the next two months I'm committing to rejoining a gym or finding some intramural activity to participate in. I do value my health. And I feel blessed to have it as I do. And it's an ongoing responsibility and experiment, that much I've learned over the years. 

--- Derrick Mathis
Los Angeles


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"I am the new generation of masturbator."

special thanks to The Bilerico Project for putting this on the LifeLube radar

I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. [It's] because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.

-- John Mayer in the newest issue of Rolling Stone

Peter, do you have any advice as to how to "resensetize" my penis?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual healthy, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question: I am having serious issues achieving orgasm during intercourse. Its never happened and I've been sexually active for 2 years. I can achieve orgasm through masturbation by myself, but during intercourse, whether bottoming or topping, I just can't do it. Do you have any advice as to how to "resensetize" my penis?

Answer: Thank you so much for your question. It sounds like this is a bit of a frustrating situation for you!

To help you out, I talked with Dr. Braden Berkey, Psy.D., the Director of the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Institute at the Center on Halsted and a private practice psychologist. He went about this issue very methodically – as if he’s come across it before (read: he has, you are not alone). This is more common than you may imagine.

The problem isn't in your penis; it is in your head. You are most likely thinking way too much during sex. Guys often experience this during their first sexual encounters or following a particularly devastating criticism of their performance. But, sometimes we just get into a state of mind that we can’t seem to shake every time we try having sex.

The trick is to take the focus off the destination and enjoy the journey. You can do that a number of ways… but it all comes down to letting your mind go. Start with massages, staying focused on the sensations you are experiencing - accepting them as they come without evaluating them. As you move into foreplay and sex, watch for any critical or distracting thoughts seeping in. It will take time to re-train your brain to turn off, so be patient.

It is also possible that there are deeper issues attached to ejaculating. If this is the case, it may take more work. Exploring this with a well trained and understanding therapist may be worth the time. Let me know if you need help finding a medical provider or therapist that is qualified to help you out!

Be Well,
Peter Pointers
Friend Peter on Facebook

Masturbation Matters (part 2)

[click here to read part 1]

by middle
[read his "one fey's tale" posts]

Solo masturbation circles (during which participants pleasure only themselves) bring new meaning to the term circle jerk. I’ve attended and hosted a few of them and experienced their potential to generate a very intense collective sexual intensity.

First, they’re safe in a way that’s extremely difficult for other group sex encounters to be. The risk of transmitting sexual infections is reduced to nil. An ideal environment is created for those who have anxieties about their bodies or sharing sexual energy.

Second, it’s a great way to focus intention for specific purposes (healing, magick, changing the world, whatever.) Whether you’re masturbating for inner or outer peace, for stability or change, for more love or less war, there’s a powerful energy that can be channeled.

Not least of all, for we pozzies, it is a great way to get off with others while avoiding the mental effort of thinking about statuses, disclosure, and the like.

How to host a solo masturbation circle

Here’s the kind of experience I’ve shared with my fey families. You may want to give it a try and create your own version (but dammit, if you’re rimming, sucking and fucking, you’re not having a jack-off party!)

Prepare

Do you need mats or pillows to sit on? What kind of lube do you prefer? Choices are good. I recommend providing at least one each of the following: water-based (consider silicone free to acommodate those who prefer that,) plant-based (like coconut or olive oil,) and petroleum-based (environmental considerations not withstanding, some folks swear by baby oil and the aforementioned Albolene rocks!) You’ll probably want a roll of paper towels or a pile of clean wash cloths. Drinking water is a must. I also recommend a bowl of fruit (more about this later.)

Circle up

In addition to masturbating, most participants will want to share. You need enough space for everyone to sit in something approximating a circle - everyone should be able to see everyone else. Indoors or out, you want to ensure access and comfort. Excessive distractions of any kind are a no-no (in one very focused session I went as far as turning off the power in my condo). If your circle is happening in the context of a larger gathering, it should be easy for those inside and outside (non-participants) to recognize the space’s boundary.

Talk first…

Intentions are important for growth, healing, and magick. It’s good to start by going around the circle a time or two, using basic customs. In fey settings, this usually means passing a wand or other talisman (it needn’t be fancy – a nice stone or crystal will do.) The idea is for all to focus on the person holding the talisman; talking “across the circle” or addressing individuals is generally avoided. Folks can choose to “pass” but are encouraged to at least introduce themselves. Good questions to focus on are “Why am I here?” and “What do I expect to get out of this experience?”

The facilitators might want to explain how the ritual will proceed and reassure those in the circle that everyone is invited to participate in their own way with one caveat: it is not okay to “just watch.” At this time, you can address logistics such as establishing when the circle is closed to additional participants. Encourage folks who have not already done so to begin disrobing.

During this “warm-up” stage, it’s good to encourage folks to feel free to begin touching themselves sensually. Some may have joined seeking growth or adventure. Other individuals may share that they are bringing spiritual or personal issues to the circle for healing. These may relate to self-image, a recent loss, or miscellaneous sexual baggage. Our groups are ejaculation neutral. If you want, go for it. If not, that’s cool too.

Masturbate

At some point talk will naturally fade as folks begin to fondle and stroke themselves, each at their own pace. Energies will begin to move within and around the circle, the total being greater than the sum of its parts. You’re likely to find the experience heightened in a number of ways. These circles tend to create their own narrative; you’ll notice a natural beginning, middle, and end. Individuals will experience their self-pleasure with grimaces, laughter, tears, or quiet smiles. Some will come quietly . . . and others won’t!

Since everyone may not desire to or be able to reach a climax, knowing when to bring the masturbation phase of the circle to a close can be tricky. We ask our fellow masturbators to signify when they are finished by ritually choosing a piece of fruit and taking a bite. The group doesn’t move on until all have done so.

…talk again, then close.

It’s not uncommon for at least one participant to feel a need to leave early or bolt towards the wrap-up. That’s fine. Most of you, however, will want closure. Pass the talisman a couple more times. “What did you feel?” “Was it what you expected?” When the time is right, circle up, hold hands, and close with a meditation or group hug.

Without exception, I’ve left these circles each time feeling very moved and connected to others who shared the experience. Your desire to talk about it may extend beyond the session, or you may find yourself speechless. If you didn’t think so before, it’s pretty certain that you’ll leave the circle with a feeling that masturbation really can matter.

Masturbation Matters (part 1)

I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught.
- Joycelyn Elders

by middle
[read his "one fey's tale" posts]

During the brief time Dr. Elders served as the United State Surgeon General, most of cheered her on. Today as advocates we talk a lot about combination prevention and tool kits, but why don’t our polished power point slides include masturbation as a prevention technique?

Several among my all-time most enjoyable sexual encounters were exclusively masturbation-focused. Beyond being a fun pastime, a source of energy, an instrument of growth, and a balm for healing, masturbation can also be a handy tool for prevention.

One of the first AIDS-related articles I encountered in gay media was a version of the New York Jacks’ “How to Have a Jack-Off Party.” Right there in my favorite digest-sized mag I found a practical guide which covered every detail from how to set up your clothes check (paper grocery bags and magic markers were recommended) to what kind of lube to use (never use KY jelly which the article claimed “turns to glue and causes dick damage,” but always include a theatrical make-up remover known as Albolene.) During these parties, the article said, sex play was limited to masturbation – “lips above the hips” and “no penetration” were the watchwords. At the time I was much too inhibited to find or create a real j/o party for myself, but I loved the idea.

From the time I became old enough to discuss such things, I’d heard about circle jerks but never participated in one. Certain neighbor kids and I and played games of titillation, mutual masturbation, and eventually more, but I didn’t ever encounter what I first imagined and later saw depicted in porn.

In the late 90’s and over a decade after I’d gotten my HIV diagnosis, I finally attended a New York Jacks party and had a blast. It wasn’t the first time I found limits to be exciting. I enjoyed the level playing field a nearly clothing-free environment provided, and the intensity of focusing on a singular aspect of sexuality was way hot. Moreover, I finally got to experience that fabulous but elusive Albolene.

A couple of years later and nearly two decades after I first read about it, the lube finally came to Tennessee. I was so infatuated I bought three jars, enough to last for years.

Still, I was frustrated. One of my pet peeves was the misuse of the term jack-off party. It bugged the hell out of me that local hosts applied it to lots of their organized sex parties. My reaction was related to my impatience with internet profiles seeking “j/o only, must be HIV negative.” Sex parties can be fun, but in addition to the previously enumerated thrill factors, a true jack-off party would have obvious stress reducing advantages for my HIV-positive self. In a supposedly liberated, out, post millennium world, why can’t horny men own their desires? Internalized homophobia? Maybe. Good old Baptist shame (this is the South)? Probably.

Eventually, I lucked into unique opportunities to explore the potential of a different kind of group masturbation. It began one faerie gathering with the announcement of a big jack-off extravaganza. Knowing what I knew, and given the impromptu timing and anarchic setting, I decided it best not to attend.

As it happened, there were a few surprised and slightly traumatized faeries at breakfast the next morning. They had entered the space thinking that the party would be about masturbation and masturbation only. They’d wanted to dip their respective big toes in the waters of group sex, and everyone else just canon-balled off the high-dive. As the party evolved into an all-out suck-and-fuck-fest, they left, disappointed and a little freaked.

Fortunately, word gets around at gatherings. Immediately, in that magical faerie way, a response manifested itself. We’d hold a different kind of event – a masturbation circle where folks would only pleasure themselves.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” I thought…

(...to be continued next Friday)

Compulsive sex - when healthy sexuality moves towards an addiction

“I know guys who will drive around the city block for three hours looking for prostitutes. They aren’t genitally aroused, but are emotionally aroused looking for sex. They aren’t actually addicted to sex, but the pursuit.”

Is sex really an addiction?

Read the whole article in the Chicago Free Press.




Some signs you may have a sexual addiction:

• You are experiencing a loss of control. For example, you don’t want to spend six hours a night on Manhunt, but you can’t stop yourself.
• You are keeping your sexual life a secret.
• Your sexual behavior is causing you physical harm. For example, you masturbate so frequently there is tissue damage.
• You spend so much time finding people to hook up with, surfing porn or masturbating that it’s interfering with work or other life goals.
• Your sexual behavior is getting in the way of your primary relationships, such as your partner, family or friends.
• Despite any severe consequences you experience—becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease, getting in trouble with the law for having sex in a public place or getting fired from work for surfing for porn—you still can’t stop.
• Your behavior has escalated. You used to go out searching for sex two nights a week, and now it is every night.

Read the whole article in the Chicago Free Press.

Hand Jive

[via the boystown column in chicago's redeye]

The Safest Sex of All

I have important news that you are going to love, especially the guys: May is National Masturbation Month.

That's right; this is the month to officially take matters into your own hands.

Adult product retailer Good Vibrations began celebrating National Masturbation Month in 1995, to raise awareness and highlight the importance of masturbation.

When I mentioned this to some of my straight friends, they didn't believe me. They all laughed it off, then changed the subject.

One guy even said "I don't do that," which I decided was a lie.

Who doesn't? I think it's not so much that he doesn't do it, it's that he doesn't want to talk about it because he is embarrassed.

What's there to be ashamed of? Ever heard the saying: "50 percent of people admit to masturbating; the other 50 percent are lying"?

It's funny how most people can be so open about their sex lives—and how it's such a huge part of pop culture—and yet masturbation still remains a conversational taboo.

So if we all do it, why not embrace it? Here are just a few reasons why self love can be good for you:

It's the safest sex you can have. There is no risk of contracting an STD, and you don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings.

It helps relieve stress and tension.

Whether you do it alone or with a partner, it's a positive way to explore your body and your sexuality in a way that can actually help spice things up in your relationship. By pleasuring yourself, you can figure out what you like and then try it out on your partner. Consider it a practice exam before the real test.

As most guys will attest to, it can help relieve a bout of insomnia. In men, the hormones released after orgasm facilitate sleep.

For men, regular masturbation can help ward off prostate cancer. According to a 2003 study by researchers from Australia's Cancer Council of Victoria, men who masturbated more than five times each week were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

So honor this month by honoring yourself. For the guys, you can simply say, "I was just doing my part to help prevent cancer."

[note from lifelube - we would have to dispute the notion that gay guys lie about masturbating. in fact, every gay guy we know is very, very clear about their creative, fun and fulfilling self-loving practices - no shame to the game. must be a different crowd. as for us, we like to play amongst ourselves in the bubbles...]

Oh really now?

LifeLube begs to differ...

May is Masturbation Month

About:Sexuality has christened May as Masturbation Month... Here is a sample of the many wonders to be held (hehehe). Photos courtesy of our own special collection.






From Cory Silverberg, Your Guide to Sexuality.


Masturbation is considered by many to be the cornerstone of sexual health. Most men believe that they already know everything about their own genitals and sexual response. It’s all out there, boys will be boys, etc. But just because you know how your tools work, doesn’t mean you can build the Eiffel Tower. In fact most men experience a fraction of their full erotic and orgasmic potential. Read on for tips on masturbation techniques that can help you explore all your body has to offer.

Difficulty: N/A

Time Required: Male masturbation doesn't have to always be a "quick affair". Take your time and enjoy

Here's How:

1. Make time for more than a quickie.
Most guys first learn to masturbate in secret and furtive ways. They do it quickly and need to figure out what to do with the evidence afterward. This can create a powerful pattern of masturbating quickly, without paying attention to where your sexual arousal can take you. To start exploring something different, make sure you have some extended time and privacy for yourself, where you aren’t trying to finish quick before someone interrupts.

2. Turn off the porn (just for a while) and tune into your body.
Not everyone likes porn, but a lot of guys do, and while porn can be great, it also takes you out of your body a bit with the fantasy. This can distract you from what’s actually happening in your body. You don’t need to throw the porn away, but for a few times, masturbate without porn, and objectify yourself for a change!

3. Do a…dry…run through.
Bad pun aside, it’s a good idea to try the above suggestions, and then just masturbate as you normally would. As you do this pay attention:
* Changes in your breathing: Does it become shallow and quick, slower and deeper?
* Changes in your body: is there tension in some places, and relaxation in others? Is this the same every time you masturbate?
* How does it feel just before you have an orgasm?
* How does it feel as you orgasm, and immediately post-orgasm?

4. Time to switch it up.
Men learn early in their lives the most effective way to get themselves off. And most never waver from the utilitarian approach to self love. But sex is less like a well oiled machine, and more like a chaotic food fair, where there is an endless selection of ways to satisfy your appetites. So it’s time to throw a wrench in the works and shake up your routine. Try any combination of the following suggestions:

5. Does your left hand know what your right hand is doing?
Do you always use the same one hand to masturbate? Most guys do. If you’re among them, start with the simple tip of switching hands. It can feel strange at first, the rhythm might be off, it’s almost like sex with someone new for the first time. Enjoy the newness, and see if a new hand can teach an old hand some tricks.

6. Experiment with positions.
If you aren’t an experimental type, it’s time to start. If you’re used to masturbating lying down on your back, try sitting up. If you normally sit in a chair, try standing, or kneeling. As with all these changes, this might feel ridiculous at first, and you’ll probably go back to old faithful, but see what masturbation feels like in different positions, and notice if it brings with it any new sensations.

7. Get your hips moving.
The way your body moves when you masturbate is probably very different from the way it moves when you’re having sex with someone else. Many men don’t move at all when they masturbate. Try to move your hips when you masturbate, simulating the thrusting of intercourse. Notice how moving your hips in different ways can bring you closer to, and at times take you farther away from, the point of orgasm.

8. Use different hand strokes.
Most men learn early on that a vigorous stroke does the trick. This intense up and down stimulation usually ends in a good orgasm. But there are dozens of other strokes that each bring with them different sensations, and different orgasms. Roll your penis in between your hands, moving your hands up and down your shaft. Try using long twisting strokes instead of just up and down. Experiment with different movements, pressures, and speeds.

9. Explore your shaft.
While most of the nerve endings on the penis are at the head, and specifically the frenulum, many men will have spots on their shaft that are unusually sensitive. Try putting one hand at the base of your penis and press it towards your body while experimenting with different hand strokes along the shaft of your penis. Treat this like a treasure hunt, and try to feel the difference between one side and the other, between stimulation near the base and up near the tip.

10. Reach around, yourself.
For many men the balls (testicles) are a very sensitive area that responds well to feelings of touch and pressure. Take your forefinger and thumb and make them in a circle at the top of your scrotum. Gently tug on your scrotum as your masturbating. This is both a way to prevent you from ejaculating and a way to extend sexual feelings in your body. Experiment with other kinds of touch including tickling, scratching, and rubbing.

11. Check out the neighborhood.
While the penis and scrotum tend to be the epicenter of masturbatory attention, if you’re looking to open things up a bit, be sure to take a tour of some other nearby areas. The perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, is very sensitive to pressure and massage, and rubbing it provides external prostate stimulation. Speaking of which, don’t be afraid to explore the anus, both externally and by using a finger for penetration.

12. Bring it all together.
Not everything you try is going to do it for you, but the idea behind the above tips is to try lots of different things, and then incorporate whatever you like into the ways you regularly masturbate. Maybe it’s a different stroke, or position, or breathing technique. Obviously there is no one, correct way to masturbate, and even if you’ve got something that works for you, consider the fact that there could be more out there if you experiment with it.

Tips:

1. Another myth about male masturbation is that you shouldn’t use anything other than you hand. While your hand might be doing the trick, adding some accessories can make the stimulation even more intense, and inspire more creativity with yourself, and with partners.
2. Get a good quality personal lubricant . If it’s only for masturbation you can use something that’s oil based without worrying about condom compatibility. Oil based products are better because they won’t dry up.
3. Add a sex toy into the mix. It might be a vibrator, a dildo, or a cock ring (if you’ve never tried one I recommend trying one on your own before you use it with a partner). Sex toys can add a completely new kind of stimulation, and accentuate the manual stimulation your doing.