Dance For Life Sparks Reflections on His First Anniversary

This week marks the one-year anniversary of my infection with HIV. I have given some thought and prayer on how I should mark this anniversary.  

Should I even celebrate the anniversary?

Should I not think the marking of it as a celebration at all – especially since it includes feelings of sadness, loss, anger, but then there are also feelings of much gratitude and hope…?

Should I celebrate alone or with others?

Saturday night I attended the 20th Anniversary Performance of Chicago's “Dance for Life” event. It was a beautiful and powerful performance by committed artists and dancers who believe in and support our fight to end AIDS. As the celebration began, the CEO of the AIDS Foundation of Chicago announced that it was not only the 20th anniversary of the “Dance for Life”, but also the 6-month anniversary of his becoming the CEO and more importantly the 17th year of being infected and living with the virus. People applauded wildly after he announced the 20th year for the event; but it came obvious that many did not know how to respond to the announcement of the anniversary of his infection 17 years ago. A few in the large audience applauded but many remained silent with most of them, I am sure, pondering how to respond to such an announcement – the anniversary of someone’s infection with HIV/AIDS.

How should I mark MY one-year anniversary and should I identify it as a celebration? Should I mark it alone or with others, at least with one or two who know and offer me much support in my life with HIV? As I lay awake on my bed at 4am Sunday morning, those questions entered the deeper part of my heart, mind and spirit.

I certainly experience much, much gratitude for the medication and medical attention I have been able to receive over the past year. I take daily medication that is keeping my viral load undetectable and CD4 count at a very normal and healthy level. It is very expensive medication and medical treatment, yet my work health insurance plan makes it possible. I am also especially grateful that our health insurance companies in this country can no longer deny me coverage for having a “pre-existing” illness in case I were to switch employment.

The gratitude, however, is mixed with much sorrow, sadness and often anger since there are so many of my fellow life travelers living with HIV/AIDS who do not have this access to medication and healthcare. In our country, which is the wealthiest in the world, many go without medications or easy access to care, and in the world many are still dying of a disease that is no longer fatal if one is provided with medications and medical attention.

My anger especially flares up when I hear so many people, mostly out of ignorance and close-mindedness, oppose expanding health insurance for infected individuals living with the virus (and all others who need it) through our recently adopted health care reform. I am glad “Obama cares” enough for us and millions others in our country who need to know they will now be able see a doctor and get needed medications, especially when they are in pain or worried about their health.

I have always tried to take good care of my body through a healthy diet, sufficient exercise and adequate sleep. During the past year this approach to taking care of my body took special significance. The medications and treatment cannot on their own keep me healthy as my body fights the virus on a daily basis. And so this week I am also grateful for the opportunities I have to keep my body fit and healthy. I have access to a gym, nutritious food, and a decent and safe house where I can rest and take care of myself. I have them because I have a good job that allows me such opportunities.

But again anger flares up in my heart and gut when I consider the many who do not have these opportunities today, especially a home or a job that allows them to take care of themselves and their chronic illnesses. As the rich keep getting richer in our nation and the poor and middle class lose more and more income on a yearly basis, homes and jobs seem to become much less available to many among us.

Finally, should I celebrate the experience that I nowadays have of having somewhat befriended the virus that lives within my body? I wish with all my heart it did not live there or in the bodies of any human being in this world. Yet it is there. And until researchers find the cure for HIV/AIDS, it will continue to be an intimate part of my body and life. I am reminded of that every day as I take my $50-a-day pill to keep the virus undetectable in my blood stream.

In a year’s time I have learned how to accept that I am HIV positive and to see opportunities for growth as a person, especially in hospitality and compassion. 

I have worked for a number of years in the field that fights against AIDS and supports those living with the virus. But nowadays I have much more solidarity in heart and mind with them. I am one of them and with them today.

I have always tried to practice hospitality and compassion because of my spiritual faith. When persons are hospitable, they “makes room” in their lives for others. And there are so many ways to do so with persons living with the virus: by sharing our resources for the fight against AIDS like so many did last night at the 2011 Dance for Life event; or supporting directly infected individuals and families with much personal care and love; or not judging or stigmatizing them out of ignorance; or by working actively and politically for the resources and opportunities sick people need to remain healthy. I have always tried to practice hospitality in my life; but now that the virus lives within me, I am all the more committed to “making room” in my life for those who travel through this life with the virus in their bodies.

I learned a long time ago that truly compassionate persons are those that know how to suffer with others. The very word compassion comes from the Latin words to “suffer” (passus) and “with” (cum).

My spiritual faith has allowed and supported me to suffer with others in my life over the years. But now that the virus lives within me, I can accompany those infected by HIV/AIDS in a much stronger and closer way. I have and I am dealing with the fear, the anxiety, and the worries that this virus could one day compromise my immune system that keeps us humans alive and healthy. But I also share much more closely the hope and the dreams with other persons living with HIV/AIDS. Nowadays we may be able to live until an old age and enjoy life to its fullest. After the one year, I am all the more compassionate since I can suffer and hope much more closely with my fellow HIV positive life travelers.

Maybe one day before I die, the virus will leave my body through some type of cure. But until it does, I am learning to live with it. It is an unwelcomed friend. But it is a friend since it is making me a more hospitable and compassionate person in this life.

I guess I can celebrate the one year anniversary of my infection.

 
-- Thoughts from a Chicagoan living with HIV


[pics by ed negron. check out the rest on the lifelube facebook page]

Black Gay HIV Positive Dating and Disclosure

via Black Gay Men's Blog

The Black Gay Men’s Blog advice column, Ask Storm, kicks off with a letter from Wes, a 26 year old black gay male living in Oakland, who has been dating a guy for a month and is worried about disclosing his HIV positive status.

Dear Storm,

I am a 26 year old black gay male in Oakland, CA and I need some advice on how to deal with the situation I’m in. I’ll try and make it brief. I have been HIV positive for 2 years, but really only started dealing with it a year ago. The first year was a mixture of shock and denial and I basically went to work, came home drank, smoked blunts and locked myself away. Hardly any socializing, no sex etc. About a year ago, I started slowly dealing with my HIV status, went to the doctor, got on meds etc. I started to accept that I was HIV positive and would have to deal with it for the rest of my life. One thing I definitely wasn’t looking forward to was dating and having the HIV talk.

Anyways, about a month ago I went to a spoken word event and met this sexy-azz brother. It was instant chemistry and we were both very comfortable with each other, like old friends or something. We went for drinks after the event and then he asked me back to his place. We were having such a great time, convo flowing, lil buzz going and I hadn’t felt so good in so long. The minute we kissed, it was over, I was like a thirsty mofo, hungry to be touched, like I had come alive again and the next thing I knew we were naked having hot sex. As much as I hadn’t been touched for ages, he wanted me just as much and there was no awkward first time sex, which sometimes happens – it all just flowed. 

Read the rest.

Peter, when is the best time or what is the best approach to inform people of your status?

[Peter Pointers is here 4 YOU, as a service to LifeLube readers - whatever question you may have regarding sexual healthy, physical health, mental/emotional and spiritual health - ask him. He will find the answers you are looking 4. Below is a recent Q&A you may be interested to read.]

Question: When is the best time or what is the best approach to inform people of your status? I've been diagnosed for the past few years, and maintained good health and great numbers in regards to my counts and all. Even to the point, that I've become undetectable (all praises to God!). My doctor has informed me that at my stage, I can't really infect anyone. So now that I'm on the dating scene, obviously all of this is of extreme importance. Of course, I'm fully aware of the obvious in terms of cautiousness and the practice of safe sex (which I practically live by). But even if it doesn't get that point of having sex with someone and merely just friendship, I'm just a little uncertain how to approach this matter. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of my status of anything like that, but rather a bit apprehensive of facing rejection or even scrutiny, you know. So if you could offer some advice to me on how to approach this issue, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Answer: First of all, great job on working with your doctor to have your numbers under control. Keep up the good work on adhering to your meds (if your doctor has you on them) and staying on top of your health.

To clarify what your doctor said about infectiousness, carrying a non-detectable viral load does greatly reduce the possibility of infecting a partner. However, as with most things in health and science - there is still a possibility of transmission. That's why it's great that you are so committed to practicing safe sex. Keep that up, too! Here's some more info, if you wanted, on viral load and transmission (previously posted on LifeLube):

http://lifelube.blogspot.com/2008/07/hiv-transmission-under-haart-lancet.html

http://lifelube.blogspot.com/2008/08/systematic-review-unable-to-confirm-or.html

http://lifelube.blogspot.com/2008/09/case-report-viral-load-undetectable-in.html

Now, onto the question of HIV disclosure: You raise a really important issue that many people often ponder. There are a number of ways that people might approach disclosure of their HIV status to people they may be interested in, whether its potential sex partners, people you might date, or even friends. There is, of course, no formula for the best approach. And ultimately, it will depend on your level of comfort as well as varying circumstances from one situation to another.

Some people find it easiest to disclose their HIV status upfront, meaning very close to when they meet the person, in that if the individual they disclose to does not respond to their liking, they will have avoided becoming emotionally invested enough to be very upset. “Upfront” disclosure can also be good in that you can bypass any of the anxiety about disclosure that can linger if you wait. Of course, this might mean disclosing to an awful lot of people, and most might not want to do this. Also, taking this approach is kind of like creating a pre-emptive shield from an assumed negative response, and it probably wouldn’t feel very good to walk around assuming that anyone you disclose to is going to have a poor reaction.

Most people probably want to disclose when they have a fair idea that the person they’re considering talking to is a good person and will not react in some extreme way. So, after concluding with relative comfort that disclosure will not jeopardize your safety (or feelings), it’s good to be straightforward and to communicate to the person in one way or another that your health status is something you have under control. Disclose in a place that is suitable for discussion, not someplace that lacks privacy or has an excess of noise.

If, when disclosing, you present your HIV status as a detriment or problem, chances are the person might piggyback on the sentiment, and also think it is a problem. Exude confidence. HIV is a life situation that many people deal with, and you should be proud of how you have responded to the situation. I mean, look, you’re undetectable and you are engaged in your medical care and well-being; you are doing well!

Another thing to consider is disclosing your status before engaging in any sex. Not only do most state laws require this, but, say in the example of a trick or one-night stand, if you were to decide that you wanted to see the person again, it would be a lot more challenging to disclose your status after the two of you already had sex. Disclose beforehand, and you won’t have to worry about this type of backtracking.

Good luck and, while it may always be a challenge to disclose, know that it probably gets easier over time. Please, don't hesitate to let me know how it goes!

Be Well,
Peter Pointers
Friend Peter on Facebook

Free Your Mind of Disease-Free Thinking

How to Stay HIV-Negative in an HIV-Positive World, by Randy Boyd

Excerpt:

That's right. The HIV-negative can have sexual relations with the HIV-positive and remain HIV-negative. Just as two people can have sexual relations and not make a baby, so too can two people have sexual relations and not make AIDS, baby.

Staying away from people who admit to being HIV positive does NOT protect you from HIV.

But Americans do not know this. Gay men in general do not know this. Instead, many gay men see HIV/AIDS as another evil in the universe and vow to avoid all those who carry evil, in this case, men who are HIV-positive. Neg guys declare themselves to be “clean” and only fuck around with others who declare themselves to be “clean,” “disease-free” and “bug-free.” Neg guys boast of their HIV-negative test dates. They've created a whole new lexicon to distinguish and separate themselves. Disease-free as of April 26, 2009. UB2

But how do you know the other person is really “clean?”

The result: millions of gay men are fucking around, not using protection, not having safe sex, not really knowing what is and isn't safe sex, all while assuming they'll be just fine as long as they only fuck around with other dudes who are “clean.”

Read the whole thing.

To tell or not to tell...

via Globe and Mail, by Margaret Wente

Knowingly exposing others to HIV ought to be a serious crime.

Or should it?

That is the furious argument unleashed by the trial of Johnson Aziga, a man who was found guilty last week of first-degree murder. The murder weapon was unsafe sex. The thoroughly repugnant Mr. Aziga was found to have infected seven women with HIV, even though he knew he was infected, and even though he knew he had a legal obligation to inform his sex partners. Two of his victims died of AIDS-related cancers.

Peter Troyer, a 37-year-old Toronto man who is himself HIV-positive, has no doubt about where he stands. “It is absolutely reasonable to have a law,” he says. “He exposed people to a potentially dangerous virus without their consent. I wouldn't want to live in a society that didn't punish this behaviour at the highest level.

But Canada's gay and HIV-AIDS activist groups overwhelmingly disagree. They believe the law will further stigmatize people who are HIV-positive. It could lead to serious violations of people's human rights. It will remove the onus from uninfected people to protect themselves, and may even give them a false sense of security. Perversely, it may even lead to higher rates of HIV.

“It is important to understand that there may be negative consequences if these cases are brought to trial,” argues Mark Wainberg, a leading AIDS researcher and activist based at McGill University.

The logic is that if you don't know you are HIV-positive, you can't be accused of its transmission.

Read the rest.

Shared responsibility is the key

by Mark Hubbard

A couple of weeks ago, I picked up my local GLBT monthly. I flipped the newsprint only to discover some fellow Nashvillian’s words ragging on the entire gay male community – or so it seemed from the headline. A closer reading revealed that his finger was pointed at POZ men. Unfortunately the words were rife with false assumptions and misconceptions. They also seemed to reflect a marked lack of compassion and a propensity to blame. The writer claimed to know how most men in our community became infected but cited no expertise or evidence.

In fact, people become infected in a variety of circumstances that may involve simple lust or be complicated by poor or impaired judgment, dysfunctional relationships, substance use, or other factors. We become infected because we are human.

The goal is for HIV positive persons to disclose their status, of course. A realistic consideration of the difficulties of disclosure, however, should inform others’ decisions about the risks they take. Those who disclose often experience enhanced rejection and stigmatization piled upon what they already suffer as men who love men. Disclosure may also result in other kinds of discrimination from family, employers, and landlords, to name but a few.

Characterizing his stereotypical HIV negative transmission partners as a “victims,” the author asserted they “fell prey to lust and let their guard down,” yet had no compassion whatsoever for their HIV positive partners who did exactly the same. He stated the “heat of passion is not an excuse for passing this virus.”

It takes two individuals to transmit. Applying this to only one partner seems to enforce a double standard for responsibility. Outside of rape, most HIV negative men have it within their power to reduce the chances of infection to nearly zero without forgoing sex.

Not all of us consider ourselves victims, by the way. Most eventually become aware of and accept our own responsibility for being infected – and doing so is often critical to our emotional health. We are not a mindless, monolithic herd. The premise that we all think and act the same was an act of stereotyping that bordered on bigotry.

The writer proposed that we

• “chastise our community for not insisting HIV positive gay men quit spreading the virus”

• discourage HIV positive men from having sex

• hire “internet police to monitor positive people who do not disclose”

• count on laws that make it a “crime to engage in sex with others without disclosing their status”

Sadly, there’s no evidence that any of these strategies will reduce HIV transmission.

Our sexual orientation is considered by many to be an offense in itself. We have enough people chastising us without doing it to ourselves. After years of breaking the law whenever we had sex, we’ve defeated those laws. Moving beyond decades of clandestine meetings, we’ve come to recognize and embrace our sexuality as healthful and “normal.” Laws that criminalize exposure are considered by many to be counterproductive and a disincentive to being tested. (If one doesn’t know he’s HIV positive, one doesn’t have to disclose and doesn’t have to be responsible.) We cannot police sexual activity without putting everyone under constant surveillance, something those who’ve fought for freedom won’t consider.

The piece’s rhetoric seemed to place the responsibility for the epidemic and for prevention solely on the “others,” the HIV positives.

This is neither rational nor effective for basic scientific reasons. Just last month, the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its estimate to state that approximately one in five HIV positive persons do not know they are positive. In the weeks just after being infected, persons are more infectious than they will ever be in their lifetime, yet most do not realize it. While the exact proportions are unknown, both groups are significant sources of new infections.

The writer assumed that positive persons who don’t list their HIV status openly in online profiles do not disclose to their partners before having sex.

He can’t possibly know this. For very real social, emotional, and survival reasons, some individuals don’t wish to broadcast their status. They responsibly disclose later as needed. Others limit actual, in-person sexual interactions to activities with little or no risk. Studies indicate that most men who have sex with men work hard to protect their partners after they are diagnosed. Those who are successfully treated dramatically reduce their potential to transmit the virus.

I dispute the author’s assertion that we “do not engage smart protection for the gay community.” HIV prevention programs have historically urged folks who were engaged in behaviors associated with obvious risk to behave as if all of their partners are positive. That’s realistic and simple – but it’s not enough. Today’s prevention programs try to reduce transmissions by engaging communities in more nuanced conversations. Significant effort is invested in discussions with those who are already infected, and empowering them to disclose is always a goal.

We are not “more concerned” for HIV positive men than HIV negative men. Our methods are not “backwards.” They are constantly being improved based on the experience and research of highly dedicated professionals and volunteers.

The answer to our struggle is not pointing fingers, is not segregating the community, is not placing the responsibility on one group’s shoulders. The answer is for all of us, HIV negative and positive alike, to assume the shared responsibility for reducing HIV transmission by:

• Getting screened and encouraging our friends to get screened regularly for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, according to the risks we take.

• Using known methods to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV (AND hepatitis, herpes, syphilis and other sexually transmitted infections.)

• Talking to each other frankly about our sexual history and health before we have sex.

• Honestly assessing the reliability of these conversations and our own vulnerability in situations that entail risk.

• Supporting those who test positive, encouraging them to get into care, and expressing our love for them.

Butt Puppets Help Us With the "Crappy Parts" of Being Poz

BeOneCity.com presents CALL ME JOE a five part web-series (cut into one video, below) exploring gay dating and HIV disclosure with irreverent humor and a butt puppet“Call Me Joe”



When and how to tell a date, or perspective sex partner you’re positive is a nerve wracking, stomach-churning crisis every HIV+ person faces. “Will they freak out?” “Will I get rejected?” “How can I tell a stranger my most private fact?”

CALL ME JOE follows Dave (David LeBarron) as he falls in love with his new boyfriend Joe and puts off telling him about his HIV status until it may be too late. In an R-Rated Muppet twist, the role of Joe is played by a moon: (Yes, a man's butt with googly eyes.)

Beonecity.com hired the irreverent and HIV positive writer/performer David LeBarron to tackle the problem of creating dialogue about status disclosure through humor.

"Disclosure is pretty much the crappiest part about being positive, I mean besides the other crappy parts," David laughs, "so I wanted to create a piece that would make people talk, or possibly reference as a segue into their own status."

Coming out would have positive or no impact, say nearly 9 of 10 heterosexuals

News release from Witeck-Combs Communications:

New online study also shows nearly 7 out 10 heterosexuals said they prefer an individual be open and honest about being gay, rather than feel the need to hide their orientation

Washington, DC – October 10, 2008 – According to a new national survey, nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.

Read the rest.

Criminalizing HIV may only fuel the epidemic

Laws create disincentive for testing

Snip>
"These laws harm public health — and they don't help anyone," argues Edwin Bernard, a writer and researcher who studies HIV criminalization laws around the world. "The subtle but very real impact of these legal cases is that people with HIV don't have the same sexual and reproductive rights as others."

Snip>
There is a common perception that people diagnosed with HIV represent a serious risk to others. But the far more grave threat lies elsewhere — with people who believe themselves to be HIV-negative and who, with little risk of legal prosecution, go around having unprotected sex with anyone they want, perhaps with little discussion of sexual risk and responsibility.

Want to know a great way to increase the spread of HIV? Criminalize it.

In Canada, a person with HIV can be put in jail if they have unprotected sex with someone who didn't ask about their HIV status. This means that HIV-negative people have the power to seek prosecution of HIV-positive people over sexual choices they made together, even if no HIV transmission occurs at all.

On first glance, this may sound fair. After all, isn't the person with HIV being dishonest, hiding information that any HIV-negative person deserves to know so they can avoid hopping in the sack with them in the first place? If you judge by media coverage, or common public sentiment, or even the views of many gay men, you might agree. But things aren't that simple.

Read the rest of this article, written by Shawn Syms, on extra.ca.

HIV disclosure rates higher for gay men than Africans in London

The overwhelming majority of gay men and Africans with HIV in London have disclosed their HIV status to at least one other person, according to a study published in the April 1^st edition of the Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndromes. However, the investigators found that patterns of disclosure varied significantly between gay men and Africans, with African men and women having lower levels of disclosure overall and also being less likely to disclose to their current partner, family, friends, employer or work colleagues.

Disclosure of HIV status can have both benefits and risks. The benefits include increased support and access to services, and there is even some evidence that people who are open about their HIV status have higher CD4 cell counts. But on the down side, disclosure can have risks, including potential discrimination, and loss of support.

Legal issues around disclosure have changed in the UK in recent years. In 2005 the Disability Discrimination Act was amended to provide important protections to people with HIV. But to access these legal benefits it is necessary for disclosure of HIV status to have taken place. There have also been a number of convictions for the “reckless” transmission of HIV. In all these cases the convicted individual did not disclose their HIV infection to their sexual partner.

Despite these changes there is limited information on HIV disclosure in the UK. Investigators from the City University in London designed a study to find out the extent of disclosure amongst people with HIV, to whom they disclosed, and the role of ethnicity in disclosure.

Read the rest on aidsmap.