LifeLube: The "Work-In"

Showing posts with label The "Work-In". Show all posts

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The "Work In" - I just came here to tell you I love you

and, when the time comes to let it go...

let it go.

“If we all let go of one thing we like, and take instead each other's hand; if we all let go of three minutes each day, and find instead a few perfect words for someone in the house; if we all withhold our judgments for one hour, and reveal during that time one of our own small secret sins; if we all skip the same meal each week, and spend the time together in the park; would we have less or more than what we started with?It is one of the great and pleasing mysteries of life that we gain by giving things up. Instead of grabbing things or demanding from others if we give something up, we leave a space for something new to enter our lives.”

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

I feel so blessed that I let go of the sad memories... now I have room to fill up on good ones.

Last week I traveled to Puerto Rico for the first time in my life. I went as part of a delegation from Chicago and New York to show support to the BLGTQ community and

to meet the family of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, a Latino Gay youth who body was found decapitated, dismembered and partially burned body on a road in central Puerto Rico on November 14, 2009. To ready more about the activism part of the trip read my online article visit the Windy City Times website.

The trip proved to be a test of all the work-ins I have done during my recovery.

Growing up I have huge father issues I avoided facing. I carried around loads of resentments, anger, shame and sadness toward the person I use to call my “sperm donor”. I would always say that that was the only title my father earned. It wasn’t until I was about 1 ½ sober that I started to do some work around these issues. Of course I tipped toed around it them never really doing the work just talking about it. Then I went through the Mankind Project’s New Warrior Weekend Adventure.

Here I learned how to take look at my father issues dead on. I wasn’t until after the weekend and doing much work around those issues with my I-group, an integration group is a continuing support network of men who meet regularly to continue the work they touched on in the weekend. Once I was finally brave enough to face my issues and work them out I was able to let go of those feeling of abandonment, anger, shame and sadness. Letting go took a lot of tears and yelling. The story I told myself was that I finally did it. I finally let go of those feelings and resentments that were holding parts of me back.

I used this trip to my homeland of Puerto Rico as an opportunity to finally see my father after over 30 years. Thanks to Facebook I was already friends with my brothers and sister from dad’s second marriage. This made it easy for me to set up a visit to his house. After an immensely emotional day of meeting with politicians, local community BLGTQ organizations, and the family of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, I was not sure I could make the 3 hour trip across island to see my father.

But I knew that I was just trying to come up with an excuse not to see my father.

Read the rest.

(Usual disclaimer applies: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

Visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to read daily motivations visit http://backtothebasicsplease.com/wordpress

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The "Work In" - Painful Feelings

Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured almost every Thursday on LifeLube --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

Today I want to share with you another daily reading from the book The Language of Letting Go by one of my favorite authors Melody Beattie. First here is a snippet of Melody’s bio from her website melodybeattie.com:

“Melody Beattie is one of America’s most beloved self-help authors and a household name in addiction and recovery circles. Her international bestselling book, Codependent No More, introduced the world to the term “codependency” in 1986. Millions of readers have trusted Melody’s words of wisdom and guidance because she knows firsthand

what they’re going through. In her lifetime, she has survived abandonment, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, and the death of a child. “Beattie understands being overboard, which helps her throw bestselling lifelines to those still adrift,” said Time Magazine….”

I highly recommend you add some of her books to your work-in regimen.

Dealing with Painful Feelings

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.

Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.

These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.

We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.

We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

(Usual disclaimer applies: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

Visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to read daily motivations visit http://backtothebasicsplease.com/wordpress

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

Thursday, December 31, 2009

The "Work-In" - Think Backwards to Move Forward

Let the winds carry your gratitude silently and gracefully to all its destinations... to wherever, whatever, and whomever it was that helped make your accomplishments possible.

It’s also time to look at the failed attempts and mistakes. Take another deep breath and let it out with another big thank you into the air. Let the winds carry your gratitude to everyone, everything, and every place that provided you the opportunity to learn what does work for you, and to grow from it. All of us would benefit by using that knowledge to deal with situations we mishandled in the past. But we must remember that whatever mistakes we made, we made with only the knowledge and resources that we had then, and we may have done about as well as we possibly could have at that time. Going forward, say to your self: “I'll live fully today, allowing no thoughts of regret from my past to intrude."

Or what one of my clients always says to his peers, “When you know better, you will do better.”

It’s also time to set some goals, or resolutions, for the year to come. If you’re anything like me, you have probably tried every way possible that you can think of to follow through, with either very little success or by really busting your ass to make it happen. The other morning I was reading one of my favorite daily motivational websites, The Daily Motivator, by Ralph Marston, and he wrote something that just blew me away. I had never thought of looking at goal setting this way. I was so excited about it that I asked a client if they would be willing to give it a test run that same day. So I mapped out one of their goals this new way. We both had an “ah-ha moment.” Not only did it sound good it was so much easier to create.

Okay, okay - I know the suspense is killing you. I will leave you, on the last day of 2009, with the wonderful words from Ralph Marston:

Think backwards

When you're planning to travel, where do you usually begin that planning? You begin with the destination.
You cannot know what direction to go unless you know where you would like to end up. So a successful plan begins with the destination and works its way backwards to the point where you begin.
When you desire to reach a specific goal, the same kind of approach will work very well. Start with the end goal, and develop your plan backwards from there.
When you're clear about the goal, you can easily figure out what would be the last step necessary to reach that goal. When you know the last step, you can determine what the step before that will be.
You can develop your plan, step by step, from the end to the beginning. When you do, instead of wondering what the best first step would be, you'll know precisely what to do first, what to do after that, and what to do after that.
However ambitious the goal may be, there is something you can do right now to get off to a solid start.
Visualize the goal, work backwards step by step, and you'll know precisely how to begin.

--Ralph Marston

Have a SAFE and Happy New Celebration & MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL IN THE NEW YEAR!!!

To read daily motivations visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to receive daily motivations via email join our Google group Back To The Basics Please .

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

(Usual disclaimer applies: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The "Work In" - Get Through Your Holiday P.M.S.

Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured almost every Thursday on LifeLube --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

Some people look forward to the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays. The holidays bring them joy and a warm feeling, and they joyously dive into the season.

For others it brings conflict, guilt, shame and anger, and they dip into the Poor Me Syndrome (PMS); which we all know equals depression.

We can read articles, blogs, and books on how to enjoy the holidays, and about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can't figure out how to get

through the holiday season. Many of us feel torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don't want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don't have the kind of family to be with that we want.

Many of us,year after year, walk into the same dining room, on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.

This choice of how to feel during the holidays is ours. It always has been, and it always well be.

One of the greatest lessons I learned in recovery is that I’m not alone. There are definitely as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. Those who are at peace got there by learning, through trial and error, how to take care of oneself a little better each holiday season.

The holiday season presents us with an opportunity to practice the “letting go thing” I’m always talking about here. When we catch self-pity starting, we can choose to take action against it immediately. This is a special time of the year to set aside our work and our routines; to put our problems and burdens on the shelf. We may have been too compulsive on past holidays to celebrate.

There’s no need for perfection on how we celebrate. We can have some tension, or pain, and yet set it aside as we join with others for a special day. Join with others who are also letting go on this day; and celebrate. Maybe we can learn from them how they do it.

“When we set an intention to change and grow, we begin a journey in which we move from coping, to learning and finally, to the enjoyment of living. With each step, we experience greater freedom, fulfillment and joy. Worth going for, don’t you think?

Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.” -- Stephen R. Covey

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The "Work-In" - Who are you thankful for?

Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured Every Thursday on LifeLube --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

It’s Thanksgiving today so of course I’m going to blog out being thankful. Although, instead of material things, even though I am thankful for my scooter and BlackBerry, I want to focus on the people who have had an influence in my life again. I want to repost some parts of an entry I made back on February 19, 2009.

"This past Monday I had an appointment to see my therapist. Yup, that’s right I said therapist. I can’t figure some things out on my own either and I have no shame in that. Neither should you. As I was saying, I arrived early. Since his office is literally right off the lake I took a walk to the lake. As I stood there I watch a man playing catch with his dog. I saw flock of sea gulls (no not the band or the hair) flying by. There was a family of ducks in the water. As I looked out at the lake I heard the calmness of the waves. Just in that moment a sudden rush of gratitude came over me.

"I started thinking just how lucky I am for my life and everything about it. Throughout my life I have been given so many blessings. I have a loving family who accepts me for the man that I am, gay and all. I have been blessed with a wonderful man in my life. My partner Patrick is the yen to my yang. I love him for loving me for me. I’m sorry to break it to you put I have the best friend, partner, and soul mate in the world. I have two truly wonderful friends Mike Matt and Greg Harris. I talk to Mike about everything. Mike knows stuff about me that I probably don’t even know about myself, which he always calls me on, especially when he sees me acting out of shadow. Shadow is the part of ourselves that we hide, suppress, and deny. Greg is my mentor, my dearest friend. He’s another one who won’t cosign my bullshit. Just like Mike, Greg is always there when I need someone to talk to. I can talk to both of them without fear of any judgments. They are my support, my life lines, if you will. Both Greg and Mike are my brothers from another mother. I love them dearly and will do anything for them."
No one who achieves success does so without the help of others. The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude. - Alfred North Whitehead
Practicing Gratitude Can Increase Happiness by 25%

Psychological research finds that people's happiness levels are remarkably stable over the long-term. In his book 'thanks! ', Dr. Robert A. Emmons describes research he carried out with three experimental groups over 10 weeks (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). For the full article on gratitude, go to PsyBlog.

Along with Patrick, Mike, Greg, I am grateful that I have a loving and accepting family. I am thankful for my community because I sent at a small request last week Tuesday morning asking for help in organizing a joint vigil with others happening in cities across the nation for Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado and every other victim of a hate crime. Thanks to a small group of passionate friends it was put together in less than a week. I am both honored and blessed to have each of them in my life. I would also like to send out a BIG Thank You to Scott Anthony Evan form New York for sending out the call to action for the nationwide vigils.

I am thankful for Jim Pickett and Simone Koehlinger for always being so encouraging. These two are a great mentors and role models for me and the rest of the BLGT community.

Lastly, I am thankful for all of you. Thank you for reading this blog and for some awesome comments.

Who are you thankful for?

Happy Thankgiving!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The "Work In" - Hating on Hate (Read 4 Info on Chicago Vigil for Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado)

I HATE hate!

This post is dedicated to
Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado,
(August 13, 1990 – November 13, 2009)
and every other victim of a hate crime.

Today I will share my personal "Work-In" with you. I am writing this with feelings of anger and sadness. I am angry because I live in world where some people think that it’s ok to hurt another person because they don’t like them. The sadness is that we are losing too many young lives to volience.

On November 13, 2009, 19-year-old, openly gay Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado’s body was found on the site of an isolated road in the city of Cayey in Puerto Rico. His body was partially burned, decapitated, and dismembered, both arms, both legs, and the torso.

A suspect has been arrested for the murder. According to Telemundo and other local reports, the 28 year old father of four Martinez Matos confessed to authorities that he picked Lopez Mercado up from the street, thinking that he was a woman. When he realized that Lopez Mercado was a man, Martinez Matos said he regressed to an incident when he was sexually assaulted during a prison term. He then attacked Lopez Mercado, separating his arms from his torso. Again this is all hearsay. I have been reading articles all over the web with varying version of the story. The bottom line is this is just so wrong on many levels. As I read all the news stories and what his friends on Facebook are saying about Jorge Steven my tears start flowing.

Today I just heard of Jason Mattison Jr,s. death. Jason was 15, an openly gay sophomore at the Vivian T. Thomas Medical Arts Academy in Baltimore. He was found dead last week at his aunt’s house. He had been raped, gagged with a pillowcase and stabbed repeatedly in the head and throat. Then his body was shoved into an upstairs closet at the house. Full story at baltimoresun.com.

As I write this my tears are flowing. Why is there so much hate in this world?

No child is born a bigot. Hate is learned.

I will only speak for myself. I was born into this world as a blank slate. I would image that the only thing I knew was that when I was hungry I cried and mom fed me. So I learned that to get fed, I had to cry. As child, I watched and learned from this big world around me. I saw how adults looked at and treated each other. I listen to every word they said. I mimicked their every move because they were adults and I wanted to be just like them.

The earliest lesson I remember about hate came from my family and every other Puerto Rican I new. I wasn’t supposed to like Mexicans. Back in the day, there was the big feud between Puerto Ricans and Mexicans. No one knew why we hated each other. We just knew we were supposed to hate each other - just because. I always love it when adults say, “just because” when they don’t have answer to a question.

Then I learned I was supposed to hate gay people because the Bible says so.

But it really doesn’t. Ok, so now I have to hate myself because I like boys to. Then my hatred grew into rage because, as much as I wanted to like myself, all I heard was hatred towards people like me. My rage then turned into self-destruction. I began to do harm to my body through drugs and alcohol. Some of that rage was turned outward toward everyone else. I grew hatred towards everyone who hated gays.

Fuck those homophobes. I was going to make their lives just as miserable as they made mine. But I did it mentally. I got into peoples heads and mind fucked them. I said and did things for the shock value. The look on their faces was priceless. But at the end of the day, I still felt the same about myself. It was a “lose-lose” situation. I became tired of hating. It takes to much negative energy.

I had to unlearn hate. Yes, it’s possible.

Ending my hate takes a lot of conscious thinking. I have to keep an awareness of how my actions and words impact other people, intentional or unintentional. I’m not perfect, I still have my moments, but I try to catch myself. People may still hate me because of who I am, but that doesn’t mean I have to hate them in return. Yes, I may get mad at them, but I won’t hate them. Again, it’s not always easy, but it can be done.

Here is a good example of how people change hate into something beautiful. This past Tuesday morning I read on Facebook that there was going to be a vigil for Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado in New York. I immediately thought that Chicago, having the second largest population of Puerto Ricans outside the island, has to have one as well. I sent an email out to a hand full of friends at 9:15a.m., and by the end of the day these individuals put it together.

Now my tears are of joy.

My community yet again modeled want community is truly about. I know I can lean on them when I’m not strong, and visa versa. When one of us is hurt we must put all our differences aside and come together to provide support and strength for one another. We will mourn together. We will show the world that the BGLTQ Community will not be defeated by hate or any other injustices!

I invite you to join us in solidarity as we to honor the life of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado. On Sunday, November 22, 2009, vigils will be held in cities across the U.S. Visit http://mercado-vigil.tumblr.com to find a city near you.

If you cannot join us in person I ask that you hold Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, Jason Mattison Jr. and all other victims of a hate crime in your heart on Sunday and always.

Chicago Vigil
DATE: Sunday, November 22.
TIME: 4pm-6pm
LOCATION: Convene at 4p.m, at the corner of Division & California, Procession & Vigil towards the Humboldt Park Boat House, upon arrival program will commence.

We are asking organizations/community members to:
-post the save the date on their website/facebook/listerv (facebook event to come)
-call their contacts and encourage them to attend (allies as well!)
-ask orgs/individuals to bring candles for themselves and others

Please contact Dulce at quintero.dulce@gmail.com with questions or if you would like to help or contribute to the vigil organizing efforts.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The "Work-In" - The "I" Word

Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different aspects of our lives - the physical, emotional, mental, sexual, but also the social and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy means sharing of one’s total self, firm commitment with another person, mutually supportive, understanding and accepting of each other. Yes it does take some work. It involves trusting someone else, being vulnerable, selflessness, and honesty just to name a few things. This is why it is easier for most people to be physically or sexually intimate with someone than to be intimate in any of the other areas. So let’s move away from the physical and sexual for a while.

I’m not going to get into why it is difficult for gay and bi men to be intimate because that’s all we hear and see. You can Google it and find all the negative stuff out there. I want to continue to keep it on the positive side. Because being gay or bi does not always lead to a life of gloom and doom. My blog is about reclaiming who we are and dispelling what society would have us believe about ourselves.

Let’s talk about social intimacy. Some of your close friends will reach this level. The people you spend time with, go to the movies, shopping or share common interests form social intimacy. We all need this from time to time, especially if you are in a relationship. It helps you keep your own unique identity. Social intimacy in your relationship also means to find enough in common with the other person so that you will enjoy your time together.

Reaching mental or intellectual intimacy is the first true test of a relationship and where you first begin to trust your partner with your deeper self. This is where you share your hopes, fears, opinions and beliefs without fear of being judged or chastised. This is where trust, vulnerability and honesty are put the test. Your closest friendships will also achieve this level of intimacy. Intellectual intimacy will tell you more about the real person in front of you and give you a solid insight to the person behind the public image they portray.

Now we get into one of the most critical ingredients to a long-term healthy relationship, emotional intimacy. Lots of couples never make it to emotional intimacy because it’s here where we must accept the person for whom he or she is without reservation, flaws, irrationality and all. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions. You both feel comfortable expressing and sharing their anger, happiness, secrets, sensual side and sexual feelings with each other. You know you are loved and love your partner no matter how either of you feel or act. It's about trust and letting another see us at our worst and our best. Who do you first call or go to when something exciting or bad happens to you? For me the first person I call is my partner Patrick. This may steer you into the direction of spiritual intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy is where you find your soul mate. This is where we look beyond the physical and mental being of a person. It means loving the other person as you love yourself, becoming one spirit. You will now have an unconditional love for your partner. C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia, describes it as a deep bond involving the experience of another person which he calls a “kindred soul.” He suggests that kindred souls are people that see the same truth or better yet, care about the same truth. C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves. We can also experience this with a friend who follows our same journey. Finally we can get back to physical and sexual intimacy.

First let’s talk about physical intimacy. Physical intimacy in the relationship is also a very important component of your happiness in that relationship. Many people think that physical intimacy and sexual intimacy are one in the same, but they are not. Physical intimacy can occur when two people hold hands or just setting on the couch together watching a good movie. Because intimacy is when two people become one with each physical intimacy can also happen when you gaze into each others eyes from across a crowd room. At that moment when the world doesn’t seem to matter it’s just about you and the other person.

Now to the most popular form of intimacies - sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy and fulfillment is something we all long for, yes having sex like you are in a porn video is fun but it can still leave you feeling unfilled. Sexual intimacy involves the full range of sensual awareness including touch, kiss, looks, expressions of endearment, communication, and of course, sex and orgasm. To get here you look inward and explore your attitudes and habits related to sexual intimacy - and let go of old constrictions about sex. Become aware of each other feelings around sex including fear, wants and needs. Communication and awareness are the keys to bringing pleasure to a relationship.

We don’t have to be afraid of the “I” word any more. We are all capable of being intimate. Let yourself experience it and sharing it. One way to get over the fear is to talk about it.

Next week, Wednesday, Nov. 11th, the wonderful folks at LifeLube.org, Project CRYSP, and the Feast of Fun are hosting a special gay men’s health forum (and live podcast) at the Center on Halsted.

We're Taking Pleasure Back

When did gay sex automatically equate to penetration?

Why do our conversations about gay men's sexuality consistently focus on disease and risk?

Join us to discuss ways gay men can explore our desires and be intimate, sexual, sensual, lusty and loving with each other - without any worries of risk and/or disease. Let's think creatively and expansively - and learn about some research on pleasure as well.

Featured panelists include Gary Harper from DePaul University, activist and spoken word artist Keith Green (also Project PrEP director) and Samuel R. Galloway, a sex educator from Tulip Toy Gallery (also from the University of Chicago.)

As always, Fausto Fernos and Marc Felion of the Feast of Fun will host the proceedings, and will be recording the event for a podcast.

Doors open for nibbles at 6:00p, program begins promptly at 7p.

The event is FREE, but RSVP's are required. Please RSVP today.

(Usual disclaimer applies, with emphasis: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

Visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to read daily motivations visit http://backtothebasicsplease.com/wordpress

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The "Work In" - Knock Knock (special edition)

Def Jam Poetry - Daniel Beaty "Knock Knock"

“We can overcome if we change the way we See: See ourselves, See our past, See our possibilities.” Daniel Beaty -Emergence See-

The "Work-In" is brought to you Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured Every Thursday on LifeLube --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The "Work-In" - Be Who You Are

by Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured Every Thursday on LifeLube --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

I want to start off this week's blog with an excerpt from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. BTW, I love Melody Beattie’s books:

"In recovery; we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today, I will own my power to be myself.”

Although it wasn’t my intention or plan, this past spring and summer I found myself doing some work around me being who I am. There was a part of me that I that realized I needed to stop hiding or “camouflaging”. I have always had same and opposite sex attractions. The first person I came out to as being bisexual, when I was 13 or 14 years old, told me that I was just confused. We had several long discussions, some being more like arguments, where I was constantly defending me being bi and being ok with it. I remember he would tell me that bisexual people could never be in a long relationship because they would never be completely satisfied with a man or a woman. Well, I went through my teenage years being what is now called “on the down low”. I dated girls and guys but kept the thing quiet. I ended up marring a woman and trying hard to live a heterosexual life. That didn’t last long because that thought of never being able to be fully satisfied by one gender was so engraved in my mind. I thought, "Damn, he was right". After the divorce, and an unsuccessful attempt at suicide, I started to explore more of my same sex attraction.

I started going to gay bars, where I thought people would be ok with me being bi. I soon found out that that was not the case. Whenever I told a gay guy that I was bisexual, after he chuckled, I would hear things like “Oh, you’re just coming out right?”, “Honey it’s just a phase”, and after sex “Oh, you are so gay, just accept it.” So my sexuality wasn’t accepted by straight people or by gay folks. It got to the point where I just said, "Fine, I’m gay." just to avoid the biphobic remarks. I thought I would rather deal with homophobia from one group than biphobic remarks from both. However, I still could not get into a long term relationship because of the “never being satisfied” question – and, of course, my drug use wasn’t helping any either.

After I got clean, I started dating this guy. I told him that I was bisexual and he was/is totally fine with it. Yes, 8 ½ years later, he is now my partner, Patrick. I learned that, yes, one gender can completely satisfy me. Just because I’m bisexual, it doesn’t mean that I’m bi-partnered. Although I still told everyone else I was a gay man who likes to sleep with women. This still got some "Ewwws!" and "Yucks"', but I figured at least I didn’t have to get into looooooong debates about who I am. Imagine that; people telling you who you really are and what you like.

It wasn’t until I began helping organize the 2009 Bi Health Summit, that I learned about more about bisexuality and was able to connect with so many people that the feel the way I do. It felt great.
Bisexuality is the capacity for emotional, romantic, and/or physical attraction to more than one gender/sex. A person who self identifies as bisexual affirms this complexity and acknowledges a reality beyond the either/or dualities of heterosexism.

What is Bisexual identity?

A bisexual identity speaks to the potential, not the requirement, for involvement with more than one gender/sex. This involvement may mean sexually, emotionally, in reality, or in fantasy. Monogamy and non-monogamy are relationship choices made independently of sexual identity. Some bisexuals are monogamous, some may have concurrent partners, others may relate to different genders/sexes during different times of their lives. Most bisexuals do not have to be involved with more than one person at a time in order to feel fulfilled.

Identity has nothing to do with sexual behavior or experience. Bisexuals, despite the sexually insatiable stereotype, may or may not be sexually active, may or may not have been sexual with more than one person, or may never have been sexual at all. As with all sexual identities, whom one is, or is not having sex with, or whether one is being sexual or not, has nothing to do with the validity of a self professed identity (i.e. a lesbian is still a lesbian, a gay man is still a gay man, and a heterosexual remains a heterosexual whether they are being, or have ever been sexual, or not). “Bisexual Resource Center www.biresource.org”

I started to reclaim my bisexuality and letting people know. I felt like I was coming out again, and not in a good way. I was getting those same biphobic remarks. Those remarks feel more hurtful then when I first came out, because they are coming from my community, the LGBT community. The worst thing about it is that they don’t even realize that they are doing it, being biphobic. It’s time for some community education, in Chicago at least.

So it looks like I have my work cut for me again. But this time I am much wiser and better equipped to take it on. It’s not going to come from a place of anger, but from a place of compassion and understanding.

What does Biphobia look like?

•Assuming a young person’s bisexual identity is a phase before coming to a “real” lesbian or gay identity.

•Expecting bisexual people to get services, information and education from heterosexual service agencies for their “heterosexual side” and then go to gay and/or lesbian service agencies for their “homosexual side.”

•Thinking bisexual people haven’t made up their minds.

•Using slurs like “fence-sitter” or “switch-hitter"

See PFLAG’s Bisexuality 101 for more on biphobia and other facts.
*Adapted from the Bisexual Resource Center pamphlet, “What Does Biphobia Look Like?”

Click here to check out presentations, including slide sets from both the 20009 Bisexual Health Summit and the 2009 LGBTI Health Summit.

Lastly, as LGBTQAI, (etc.) communities from across the U.S. converge in Washington, D.C. this weekend for National Equality March, I ask you to keep this is mind: the fight for bisexual rights does not hinder the advancement of rights for gays and lesbians. We are all in the fight together. Read Bisexual Inclusion Isn't That Hard.

This is me sharing my work-in with you. Yes, I do “practice what I preach” from time to time.

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you. —Madeline Bridges

(Usual disclaimer applies, with emphasis: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

Visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to read daily motivations visit http://backtothebasicsplease.com/wordpress

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The "Work-In" - 12-step Recovery Myths

by Ed Negron, a former drug user, turned gangbanger, turned drug dealer, turned own best customer, turned addict, turned recovering addict (still there), turned activist, turned business manager, turned student, turned Substance Abuse Counselor, turned better and happier person, turned someone who can love and be loved (Love you Patrick), turned blogger. Check out Ed's own blog here.

Featured Every Thursday on LifeLube (though he has been on va-k for awhile) --- check out all of Ed's "Work-In's" here.

12 Step Recovery Myths

Many people hesitate to try 12 step programs or avoid them altogether because of some the myths they hear about them. I have to admit I don’t blame them. Some of the things we hear are scary. Well today I hope to dispel some of these myths. Granted some hardcore 12 steppers may get upset but my aim is not to offend anyone. Trust me I think 12 step program are a vital part of creating a strong foundation for your recovery. It definitely worked/works for me and millions of other people.

In the book Powerfully Recovered, author Ann Wayman put it this way, “Telling people who have little, if any, experience with success, that they can never successfully recover guarantees that many of them will never even try. Insisting that people who already feel powerless must adopt an attitude of perpetual powerlessness in order to let go of their addiction means many of them will refuse to even attempt to work the Program.”

Here are some myth buster from Drug Addiction and Recovery Series - 12 Step Meeting Myths and Realities by Ravi Jaya on February 15, 2009

Myth: Go to 90 Meetings in 90 Days

On the surface, it sounds like there is nothing wrong with this advice right? However, there are a number of problems with following this recommendation. First, what are you going to do if you don’t make 90 meetings in 90 days? Is this unrealistic goal going to set you up for failure? If you make 100 meetings in 90 days, is a monument going to be built for you? What does this goal accomplish? Why the arbitrary number of 90? Is there something special about this number?

While it is good to have discipline while working a program of recovery, this type of discipline will only set you up for failure. As human beings, our lives are incredibly complex where we are balancing time for a job, relationships and family. Sometimes, situations come into our lives where we might miss a meeting or two. And, if you do happen to meet a meeting or two, it is OK as long as you are consistently working the 12 steps and have your own connection to your higher power.

Also, if you are 100 percent reliant on meetings to keep you sober, what is going to happen when you can’t get to a meeting? The answer is that you will probably end up using drugs again. It is imperative that you build and find the tools within yourself and through your higher power to keep you sober.

Myth: Take Your Time to Work the 12 Steps

This is one of the biggest untruths that is perpetuated in our programs of recovery. There is a popular saying, “We didn’t get sick overnight, and we won’t get well overnight.” While it is true that you will most likely not get well literally overnight, you will get well as fast as you work the steps. I knew a man who worked the steps in 15 days, and his spiritual recovery took literally 15 days. Most people do not work the steps this fast, however; there is nothing wrong with working the steps this quickly. In the early days of the 1930’s when the steps were first being practiced, most people did the steps in a few days. Your sponsor would stay on top of you until you were done. That is why we had such high recovery rates back then: people ensured that people who were new to recovery did the necessary work to stay sober, and in fact, the steps were a necessary task to be completed for you to be included in the fellowship.

“If you read Dr. Bob's story, in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it becomes clear he worked the then Six Steps in an afternoon and evening! (The original six steps contain all f the now 12 – they were broken up to provide more manageable chunks). The founders and old timers knew it was imperative that the addict had to take massive personal action to effect the needed changes. The Steps, including Step 4 are a solid plan for taking the action necessary to recover.” (Powerfully Recovered, Anne Wayman, Second Edition 2000)

Myth: I Have Years of Sobriety and Am Still Powerless and My Life Is Still Unmanageable

The first step of recovery talks about how we are powerless over drugs and how our lives have become unmanageable, and early on before you work the steps, this is true. The original 12 step text, details how we are when we are still getting drunk and loaded, and what happens when we try and quit on our own. These descriptions of us are right on the money and show how powerless and unmanageable we were.

However, the whole point of us working the steps is that we can gain some power in our lives and that our lives can become more manageable again. The first step points out how our lives have become powerless and unmanageable, the second step shows us that we can believe in our own higher power, and then the third step turns the management of our lives over to that higher power that we chose in the second step. After you perform a third step, your life is no longer unmanageable because your life is now being managed by your higher power. Yes, I know that it sounds strange, although after you try it, you understand that it really works.

For more myth busters and a better understanding of what I am trying to get at with this blog post today I high recommend reading Powerfully Recovered, Anne Wayman, Second Edition 2000. Choosing to stop acting out on our dysfunction/addiction take power and will which we all have. RECLAIM YOUR POWER AND WILL!

(Usual disclaimer applies, with emphasis: The suggestions on this blog are just that “SUGGESTIONS.” My words cannot heal your pain and or addictions. Nor can I change your life. Only you can.)

Don’t forget that September is National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month. The 2009 theme, “Join the Voices for Recovery: Together We Learn, Together We Heal.” See what's happening near you RecoveryMonth.gov

Visit my blog at thework-in.blogspot.com or to read daily motivations visit http://backtothebasicsplease.com/wordpress

If you are not sure how to begin your work-in or need some guidance please feel free to post a comment or email me directly at thework-in@hotmail.com, I will response as soon as I can.

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -- Shakti Gawain

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

The "Work In" - I just came here to tell you I love you

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The "Work In" - Painful Feelings

Thursday, December 31, 2009

The "Work-In" - Think Backwards to Move Forward

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The "Work In" - Get Through Your Holiday P.M.S.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The "Work-In" - Who are you thankful for?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The "Work In" - Hating on Hate (Read 4 Info on Chicago Vigil for Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The "Work-In" - The "I" Word

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The "Work In" - Knock Knock (special edition)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The "Work-In" - Be Who You Are

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The "Work-In" - 12-step Recovery Myths

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