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Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in hisprofile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years.Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles.

When a Gay Boy Loves a Girl

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Justin Huang

They say that behind every great man is a greater woman. As a gay man, I'm an exception to this. You see, I have multiple greater women standing behind me.

When I first came out to my mom (the foremost Great Woman in my life), she asked me why I didn't love women. "You don't understand," I said. "I love women more than anything.

That's why I don't want to have sex with them." And this statement remains true to this day. I believe that the most shining, transcendent, sublime human bond occurs when a gay boy loves a girl.

There's something remarkable yet completely sensible about the union between a gay man and a straight woman.

On a shallow, heteronormative level, you seem to have a traditional romance of sorts, in which a boy and a girl care greatly for each other.

But look more closely at this dynamic and the layers become more complex, intertwining like strands of DNA. Without sexual tension and social norms, the love between the two of them is not clouded by expectations or unwelcome erections.

Something deeper, something magical, something liberating happens, and the rest is history.

It all started for me when I was a sexually confused teenager in high school drama club. Drama club, it turned out, was the mecca of sexually confused teenagers in high school.

I was obese and unhappy, defined mostly by my good grades and utter lack of social skills, when I was cast as Mr. Van Daan in The Diary of Anne Frank. (By the way, Anne Frank proved that teenagers can still find time to be sexually confused even with Nazis trying to kill you.)

Mrs. Van Daan was played by a beautiful young girl named Julie. I was in awe of her. Julie was everything that I had wanted. She was smart and popular.

She lived in a gorgeous cabin up in the mountains, surrounded by thoroughbreds. All the boys had crushes on her -- including the precocious gays.

But instead of taking a look at me and writing me off like everyone else had, the "bond" between us occurred instantly that first day of rehearsal. Never had a friendship blossomed so easily for me. And when she made me grab her boob backstage and it did nothing for me, our eyes locked, and we knew we were meant to be.

It didn't matter that I had put up my walls of insecure self-defense and gay teen self-loathing. It was a matter of destiny; there was no stopping her.

A gay boy and a straight girl fell in love. I slept over at her house and became close with her equally wonderful sister Amy. We went shopping together. We played The Sims a lot (these were the early 2000s).

Julie made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It isn't easy being a double minority. But instead of feeling weird, she made me feel special. And yes, she was my prom date.

I wore a pink vest, and it was one of the best nights of my life. You might snicker, but some stereotypes are beautiful.

This past Valentine's Day, I spent it with Julie. She cooked dinner, and I brought her the last bunch of dozen red roses at the flower shop, which I had to wrench out of another guy's hands.

We ate too much, then passed out on adjacent couches. At 25, I've known and loved her for eight years now.

Could this have happened if I was straight? No.

Would it have needed to happen? I wouldn't have it any other way.


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Do I Need a Six Pack to Make an Impact?

via Huffpost Gay Voices, by The Guyliner

The year is 2001. I am in a bar, talking to a gay man. He might be trying to pick me up; I can't tell. He takes another sip of his almost-drained drink and looks me up and down.

 "How old are you?" he asks, with a mouthful of beery spittle.

"I'm 25," I reply. He surveys me again as if looking at a child's finger painting.

 Finally, he speaks. "If you want a body, you're going to have to get on with it pretty quickly."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your body," he sighs. "You don't have one. You've no shape. By the time you get to 30, it'll be too late.

Start going to the gym as soon as you can." He walks away.

If there's one thing you're going to need as a gay man, it's a body. You can try telling me different, but nine times out of 10 you're not going to get much interest from another gay man just because you look as if you read a lot of books.

Looks count, even if they are only a beautiful lid on a simmering pot of ugliness, despair, bitterness and venom. Don't believe me?

Fire up Grindr, the social networking app launched in 2009 to help gay men to chat, and, if the stars are aligned, to meet each other and 'date'.

When I write 'date' in Grindr terms, it usually means the kind of date where two perfect strangers meet up and fuck. Just so you know.

You select your potential partner by browsing a gallery of tiny thumbnail pictures, lined up together like the world's worst mosaic.

Users have less than a square centimetre to make an impression, and while most of us need a pretty face to experience the first stirrings of arousal - or at least a half decent face, depending on the time of day, how long it has been since 'the last time' and how many vodka and tonics you've had - many users decide to cut straight to business and get out their best weapon.

No, not that, you're not allowed to show that. No, it's the bod, the rack, the torso - buffed, shiny, preened and, nine times out of 10, headless.

Yes, these gods are so confident in the appeal of their sculpted trunks that they don't even bother including their face. "I have a body like this," they drawl. "Why on earth would you care what I look like?"


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Not Just a Preference

via fabmagazine, by Alex Rowlson

We’ve all been there.

You visit a hookup or dating website, cruise somebody’s profile and are confronted with the list: no fats; no femmes; no Asians; no blacks; masc only; my age or younger; str8-acting, you be too; non-scene; and on and on. What we find is a lot of hate when all we want is head.

“Gay men have forgotten how to have sex,” says Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore, editor of the forthcoming anthology Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? “For so long that was supposed to be something gay men were good at, but I’m not so sure anymore.

 They might be good at the technique but not the openness. Sex should be about opening possibilities, not closing them off.”

The negative language so prevalent on Craigslist and Grindr seems to signal that the culture of sexual liberation has been replaced by sexual segregation.

Gay sexual oppression is catalogued painfully on the Douchebags of Grindr blog, which sorts prejudiced profiles based on everything from racism and sexism to self-hating homophobia.

But even though we see it everywhere, most people are as willing to admit to the exclusionary aspects of their desires as Lindsay Lohan is to submit to drug testing — statements are qualified by “Sorry, that’s just what I’m into” or “No hard feelings, it’s just my preference.”

Sycamore says that while people have the right to say what they’re attracted to, they have a responsibility to watch how they say it.

“On the one hand, people are stating their preference, but on the other, these are not neutral terms. If we were living in a culture where everything was the same, it wouldn’t be a problem. But when sexual preference reinforces dominant systems of power in an unquestioning way, that’s when it becomes problematic.”

Michael J Faris, co-author of the essay “Fucking with Fucking Online: Advocating for Indiscriminate Promiscuity,” believes that sexual oppression too often is unexamined.

“Desiring one thing more than another I don’t see as a bad thing,” he says. “When you say, ‘I won’t date a black person or won’t sleep with a black person,’ that’s what I see as being racist. If you can’t interrogate your desire, that’s a problem.”

Sociologist Adam Isaiah Green, a faculty member at the Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies at the University of Toronto, believes “the concept of sexual racism is too strong and too intentional.

Our liberation movement worked to remove shame from sexual desire, and I think we should take a lesson from it in terms of how we deal with the topic of racialized desires.

Sensitizing ourselves to the connections between our most inner sexual desires and the sociopolitical landscape we are immersed in also seems like a good way to go.”


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It's about the "Weekend"

via ThinkProgress, by Zack Ford

The Sundance Selects film Weekend has to be one of the most honest portrayals of gay dating I’ve ever seen, and it deserves the positive reviews it has been getting.

Though people of all sexual orientations will relate to the themes of romance and courtship, Weekend shines in the way it offers a Queer Theory lens on the most primal aspect of gay life: hooking up and dating.

The premise is simple enough: Russell and Glen hook up on Friday night, but end up spending the weekend together, realizing that there’s something more than sexual chemistry between them.

Glen, of course, is leaving the country Sunday afternoon, so the magic has to happen fast.

It was disappointing that the film reinforced the stereotype that gay men use a lot of drugs, but with the short timeline, the alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine take the characters to a very vulnerable and honest place with each other, allowing for the film’s most compelling dialogue about gay relationships.

Weekend thrives on its simplicity, using conversations between the two archetypal characters to dissect the script gay courtships are supposed to follow as the two learn and grow from each other’s influence.

Russell is the classic closet-case, who’s out as gay, but not really to anyone. He pursues sexual liaisons, but is afraid of commitment because it means being out and having to own his identity.

 Instead, he interviews his partners about their own coming out experiences and tries to live vicariously through them in his journal. Glen, on the other hand, is out and proud, but has sworn off of relationships after being hurt by a cheating boyfriend.

 He also interviews his partners, forcing a tape recorder in their face in hopes of exposing queer sexuality through some sort of eventual art project.

Both are searching to understand the other’s archetype: Why is Russell so afraid and ashamed of his sexuality that he feels he has to hide it at all times? How can Glen be so comfortable with himself when he lets his sexuality define him?

The exploration of these questions reflects the internal homophobia that impacts all members of the LGBT community, complicating our relationships as we attempt to pretend they are no different than those of our heterosexual friends and neighbors.

Towards the end of Glen and Russell’s hurried courtship, the topic of marriage equality comes up. Tapping into his queer radicalism, Glen condemns the gay community for trying to embrace the heterosexual norm, suggesting “no one gets married for the benefits.”

 Russell’s yearning for true love betrays his inhibitions as he implores that maybe two people just want to declare their love in front of their friends because it’s meaningful to them. Ultimately, though, the movie makes a point greater than either side of the debate.

 Given how the variable of being gay in a homophobic society complicates same-sex relationships, marriage equality would create a venue in which gay men and lesbians could be celebrated both for their unique identities and for the normal lives they can nonetheless live.

Neither Glen nor Russell are ready to marry, but marriage would honor how both of them feel about their identities.

Weekend asks more questions than it answers, but it does so in a refreshingly unvarnished way. As public sentiment about the LGBT community changes, so too does the culture of the community itself, and this film creates a foundation for discussing the impact of those changes.

And despite the archetypal nature of their identities, Glen and Russell are unsensationally realized such that audience members will relate to them both. The film itself is about relationships, but its biggest offering might be an opportunity to better understand ourselves.

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Too Good to be True

via Huffpost Gay Voices, by The Guyliner

There is no ego boost greater than being contacted by someone very good-looking. I know that beauty is both only skin deep and in the eye of the beholder, and you can call me a shallow old sucker, but you can't beat a winning smile and a pair of bright, sparkling eyes.

He first contacts me after he sees I've looked at his profile. I had only looked in awe, not daring to click 'Like', but he gets in touch and tells me the usual openers about liking my profile, and we chat for a few days.

 He's astoundingly hot and intelligent, the kind of guy that would have overbearing mothers salivating and speeding off to M&S to choose their two-piece for your wedding, which would take place in summer in a country house.

 Before we can ever get that far, however, we have to arrange a date and I am not keen to ask him out, so fearful am I of the inevitable rejection. Congratulations, I think, you're a 15-year-old burbling schoolgirl. This can only end badly.

He asks for my number and sends me a few text messages, effectively asking me for a drink. Despite his age, he appears remarkably grown-up.

 He can't meet me on Saturday because he is hosting an afternoon tea for his friends, he says, but he does want to meet me sooner rather than later. Ooooh. And so we plump for Sunday.

It's a hot day, and I am thrown into a wild panic. I don't cope well in the heat, and have no idea what to wear.

 He's chosen the venue - a cocktail bar I've never heard of - and the thought of arriving there 'fresh' off the bus all sweaty and flustered makes me cringe.

I burrow through the piles of clothes scattered around my bedroom, finally selecting a T-shirt and chinos. I'm running late, so throw on my shoes and wince at my crimson face in the bathroom mirror. I mustn't keep him waiting.

Just as I am beginning to wonder if I should invent some dramatic explanation for my tardiness, my phone rings. It is him.


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18 Ground Rules for Grindr

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Kris Seto

We gays tend to be a wily bunch. Throughout the years, we've demonstrated incredible resilience conjuring up innovative ways to identify and contact each other: handkerchief signals, telephone dating services, AOL chat rooms (a/s/l, anyone?), even right- vs. left-ear piercings.

These all paved the way for the modern-day marvel: geolocation-based mobile applications like Grindr, Scruff, Manhunt, BoyAhoy, Jack'd and Locate-a-Gay (I made the last one up, but I'm sure it's in development by now).

For better or worse, these applications have plowed through and parked themselves as mainstays in our culture, allowing us to be even more (anti-) social.

We now have the ability to take a real-time sample of who's around us and chat with complete strangers nearby or even miles away. Our options were once limited.

Now, with the advent of these applications, we're suddenly getting picky and filtering by eyebrow color and arm hair density.

As we delve into this new era, I'd like to propose a few ground rules for getting your grind on -- some Grindr guidelines, if you will.

(Side note: Did spelling out "applications" make this article seem more high-brow? I hope so, because it's all about to go downhill very quickly.)


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What's the age limit?

via 365gay, by Joe Kort

Question: There is this guy that I talk to every now and then and we always flirt. We have hung out a few times, though we have never gone further than kissing.

I have a huge crush on this guy and I honestly believe he is into me as well. HOWEVER, we are 10 years apart in age: he is 32, I’m 22. I don’t think it would be an issue at all, but I sense that this a huge hang up for him.

I am considering telling him that I believe we could really have a great relationship and that I don’t think he should be so concerned about our age difference. What do you think is the best way to go about this?

It has always been common for gay and lesbian couples to have large age differences between them and many of these relationships have been successful. Historically, older gay men who came out later in life were not as mature as younger gay men.

I always distinguish between our gay ages and our chronological ages. For many older gay men just coming out, their gay ages are most likely the same age as the chronological age of the younger gay man with whom they are involved.

Yet we live in a very judgmental culture where age differences are of major concern for many people. This is a pet peeve of mine. People often make sweeping generalizations about the rightness and/or wrongness of a couple having an age difference of 10 or more years.

But a judgment cannot be made based solely on the individual partner’s ages. Maturity factors in heavily for both, along with individual personalities and how the couple negotiates and navigates the years between them.

It is great that you are going to have a conversation about this. When you talk, you should be real and honest. Tell him that you sense he has a hang up about the age difference and ask him what his thoughts and feelings are. It is important to take him seriously, as some of his concerns might be valid.

Next, tell him your thoughts and feelings about the age differences and ask that he take you seriously as well.
It is important to validate his concerns because, after all, they are his concerns, whether they are real or imagined. He has to work them through and talking together is a great way to do this.

Some of the things to consider are what others will say about your relationship and the way in which they will judge it. The two of you need to anticipate this and find a way to handle it.


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I Need a Bi Guy

via Bisexual-Talk, by msarko

Over at Net Insanity, another blog in the Klat network, I run a recurring feature called The Craigslist Files. In that column, I compile and comment on the strangest, most ridiculous posts I can find on the world's craigslist sites. Recently, I came across the following post and felt like I had to comment on it, but Net Insanity wasn't really the place for this particular piece.

 Looking for a bi guy who's dating a woman - m4mw - 31

You know what they say: it's not gay if your balls don't touch. j/k. 

I'm looking for a bi guy who is in a relationship with a woman to hang out with and possibly fool around with.

 A bi guy. Actually. Really. Bi. A bi guy, as in a guy who who actually has has sex with men and women. And you're dating or married to a woman. And she knows that you're bi. 

Looking to hang out, get to know each other, and possibly fool around with if there's a click. 

About me: I'm 31, a professional, work downtown, put in too much at my corporate job, work out when I can, try to get in a happy hour once in a while during the week and live for my weekends.

Oh, and I'm gay. Way gay. Very much in to men. Even when they're into women. And men. 

Why am I looking for a bi guy? I want more guy friends. Not girl-guy friends.

Oh, want to understand other men better, and their relationships with women. Ok, and maybe I'm a little bi myself. I'm not sure. But I'm still in to guys. 

This is more than a little silly and it's indicative of a problem in our society that never really gets addressed when discussing discrimination based on sexual orientation. The man who posted this ad is very clearly bi-curious, except he comes from a rarer angle of bi-curiosity.

He's a gay-identified man who, despite fervent insistence that he only likes other men, is very particular about wanting to engage in sexual acts involving a woman.

 It's only at the end of the ad that he admits he may be "a little bi", only to once again reinforce his homosexual identity to anyone who may be reading.

Now, I can't say whether or not this man is actually bisexual. What he's asking for (a sexual relationship with a man who is physically involved with a woman) is the tiniest of baby steps toward exploring something that scares him.



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Black Gay HIV Positive Dating and Disclosure

via Black Gay Men's Blog

The Black Gay Men’s Blog advice column, Ask Storm, kicks off with a letter from Wes, a 26 year old black gay male living in Oakland, who has been dating a guy for a month and is worried about disclosing his HIV positive status.

Dear Storm,

I am a 26 year old black gay male in Oakland, CA and I need some advice on how to deal with the situation I’m in. I’ll try and make it brief. I have been HIV positive for 2 years, but really only started dealing with it a year ago. The first year was a mixture of shock and denial and I basically went to work, came home drank, smoked blunts and locked myself away. Hardly any socializing, no sex etc. About a year ago, I started slowly dealing with my HIV status, went to the doctor, got on meds etc. I started to accept that I was HIV positive and would have to deal with it for the rest of my life. One thing I definitely wasn’t looking forward to was dating and having the HIV talk.

Anyways, about a month ago I went to a spoken word event and met this sexy-azz brother. It was instant chemistry and we were both very comfortable with each other, like old friends or something. We went for drinks after the event and then he asked me back to his place. We were having such a great time, convo flowing, lil buzz going and I hadn’t felt so good in so long. The minute we kissed, it was over, I was like a thirsty mofo, hungry to be touched, like I had come alive again and the next thing I knew we were naked having hot sex. As much as I hadn’t been touched for ages, he wanted me just as much and there was no awkward first time sex, which sometimes happens – it all just flowed. 

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A New Era In Black Gay Dating: HeMeetsHim

Reposted from the Black Gay Men's Blog
by Keith R. Green

When it comes to black gay men and online dating, there isn’t much aimed specifically at those who are looking for more than just sex. Most of the online dating sites black gay men frequent are pretty much internet versions of cruising grounds. I am sure some people still go to the parks, bushes, video stores and bathrooms, but nowadays even those who are not openly gay and would never visit a bar or club can access a gay sex sitefrom their cell phones and hook-up for discreet casual sex. That works for some people and serves its purpose, but what about those black gay men, who want something more than just a casual hook-up, what about those who would rather date with a view to finding a partner for a long-term relationship? Black Gay Men’s Blog would like to introduce you to HeMeetsHim, a black gay owned online dating service for black gay men looking for something more than just sex.

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Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in his profile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Living the Question: Would you date someone who is HIV-positive?

via Advocate by Tyler Helms

Ironically, my answer before June 2007 would have been a confident “no,” my rationale being that the risks were too high and my future too bright to be burdened with someone else’s mistake.

  It’s a loaded question coming from me — my friends, my family, and even people who barely know me are biased in their answers. I have found the most honest responses come when I catch people off guard. I once asked my friend John in a text message, his response first being “Really, this is what you text me?” My friend Lesley has gotten it at dinner, drinks, and while at work. There is my friend Michael, who asked me the question before I could ask him.

Answers have varied, but they generally net out in one place — “Yes, but with caution and care.” At which point I wonder, shouldn’t every relationship be approached with “caution and care?” And “yes,“ while common, doesn’t seem to be the reality I face. A few people, hands down, say “no.” I have experience with the “no” firsthand. I have vivid memories of the poor guy who ran from my apartment when he saw the framed Worlds AIDS Day picture and the red ribbon that sits on my bedside table. I can’t help but recall the countless faces that used to consider a random make-out session, now resigned to whispers or words of support. So despite a world where HIV status is now a check box on social networking profiles, I tend to think that being with someone HIV-positive is still too much for many to handle.

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Are gay men getting what we want in terms of sex, intimacy and relationships?

“Love in the Age of Grindr” provides venue to discuss hooking up and shacking up in era of instant, “real time” technologies

                                                                                                                                                                                  
Project CRYSP and LifeLube will conduct a community forum called “Love in the Age of Grindr” to discuss hooking up, shacking up, U-Hauls, friends with benefits, and various ways gay men connect intimately.

The free forum is at Rehab, 3641 N. Halsted St., on Wednesday, May 19, 2010 and will explore various perspectives on dating and mating in our community.

Doors open at 6:00 p.m. for appetizers and socializing and the interactive program begins promptly at 7:00 p.m.

Dr. John D. Moore, Chicago therapist and author, will moderate the forum with a panel of community members who will share their different perspectives on relationships – both monogamous and open – and enjoying life as single men.  Of particular interest will be how intimacy needs are met in a world that is increasingly turning to “real-time” technology like Grindr, a geo-social mobile application that allows gay and bisexual men to connect instantly when within close proximity.

“We are excited to explore and consider a variety of ways in which we can have healthy relationships and fulfilling sexual lives that meet our needs, whatever those may be,”  says Joe Benjamin, psychosocial coordinator at Test Positive Aware Network, and a Project CRYSP partner.

“Love in the age of Grindr” is open to anyone age 21 or over. Space is limited, and advanced registration is recommended.  For more information and to RSVP, please click here.

Find Lasting Love with Help from Alan Irgang

Lookin for love in all the wrong places? Then join LifeLube's own Alan Irgang for Dating and Mating: A New Road Map to Lasting Love taking place Mondays, April 12-May17, 2010, and learn how to find, build and sustain the intimate relationship you want.

In this 6-week interactive group, you will learn to:

• Transform negative beliefs into positive affirmations of romance and love
• Be the best “YOU” to attract the right mate
• Discover the best ways to meet quality people for friendship and romance
• Discern the many disguises of love
• Make healthy decisions about sex and dating
• Create a fun and practical Dating Plan to guide your romantic journey

Check out Alan's website for more information!

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Racism in the Gay Dating Scene

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan,

I am an Asian guy, turning 26yo this year. I have been in this new city and gay neighborhood for almost a year now, it is sad to say that I am feeling out of place in the gay community.

I tried hard to deny this but I felt sexuality and romance could be so racist. I am surprised to see how people treat each other according to race while looking for sex or dates. Most people would not be interested when I walk in a bar. Surfing on the internet there are profiles after profiles that excludes Asians just on the basis of race. I had struggled for years with my sexuality, now I still do not have close gay friends that accept me as a person inside.

Dating is even a bigger challenge. Keeping a guy interested rarely happens. I tried to accept that it was just me they rejected, but most of the time my personality, my taste and my capacity for love could be completely ignored or not given any chance to be shown. I'm tired of this. I felt very frustrated and hurt. Please give me some guidance...

-Ken




Dear Ken,

Your letter reflects the sad and unfortunate reality that racism does exist in the gay community and beyond. It is particularly painful when you feel personally impacted by this. Feelings of frustration, rejection, exclusion, and inferiority make the problem particularly difficult to cope with.

I'm happy to hear you reflect that you see yourself as more than just your race. You have a lot to offer to another in a romantic relationship and the challenge is finding a mate that is the right fit for you. I hope you can maintain hope for having the kind of relationship you desire for yourself, while considering changing your strategy for calling it into your life. Although frequenting bars and online dating websites are a very popular means of meeting guys, given the amount of time and energy people devote to both, the payoff isn't all that great. There is so much judgment that goes on in those venues that many people end up feeling hurt and rejected. I recommend devoting more effort to getting involved in activities and organizations that make you feel good about yourself. This will also help you feel more included in the gay community. If you live in a large city like Chicago, there are over 200 established LGBT organizations. In particular, I encourage you to check out Asians and Friends of Chicago. Whether you are more attracted to Asian men or men of other races, the membership of this organization is quite diverse.

You might also want to consider participating in my 6 week group called Dating & Mating. Among many other topics related to dating and relationship building, we explore the best ways of meeting potential mates. The next group begins April 12. See my website for more information: www.alanirgang.com

Thank you for writing Ken. I wish you all the best in your new social strategy!









Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Finding Love When You're Positive

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Alan, I am a 28-year-old gay man. I came out when I was 18 and since then I've been pretty satisfied with dating and romance. I've always been confident and comfortable with my sexuality. I recently tested HIV-positive and now feel like I have to come out all over again. I've taken a break from dating and now find myself afraid of how people will react when I tell them about my status. I don't know what the rules are. What do I say and when do I say it? And, if safe sex really is safe, do I have to tell them at all? And mostly I'm afraid (although I know it sounds crazy) that no one's ever going to love me again. Can you give me some guidance? --Mark



Dear Mark,

I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. An HIV diagnosis is life-changing in so many ways. Many positive gay men describe the experience exactly the same as you do: another “coming out.” It is complicated and painful. I’m glad you are reaching out for support.

You’ve asked several questions so let me address them one at a time. First, the question of how and when to disclose your status is very complex. Disclosing anything of a personal nature about oneself is a deeply vulnerable thing to do and requires careful consideration of the situation, who is involved, their need to know, your trust in the other person, and how you’ll cope with the outcome if it is not favorable. There really are no established rules about how and when to disclose. It is a very personal choice. Some prefer to put it out there right up front before getting too involved to avoid possible rejection later when they might be more attached to the person. Some prefer to wait until they feel if there is mutual interest and that the relationship is going somewhere. You may have to experiment with both approaches and see what is most comfortable for you.

Your question about whether to disclose your HIV status or not at all is also a personal choice that involves many considerations. My best advice for you is to consider your personal integrity and choose what is most aligned with that. This may include thinking about what and when you would want to know if you were the other person.

Finally, your fear that no one is ever going to love you again doesn’t sound crazy at all. Many who recently test positive feel this way. I imagine you feel like your entire identity is defined by this virus. But with time, you will come to know that you are not "HIV." You are a lovable and complete man living with a chronic (for now) health condition. Also, in my experience working with hundreds of gay men, I have found that most who are positive are fine with dating another positive man and that even most who are negative are open to the possibility.

I encourage you to continue to reach out for support and maybe even join a support group if there is one in your community. If you can’t find one, there is a lot of support available online. Also, be patient with yourself as adjusting to a new diagnosis takes time and self-compassion.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Meeting People Ain't Easy!

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential

Alan - I'm a 26 year-old gay man and am having a really hard time finding men to date. I live in a city much bigger than where I grew up and am surprised at how hard it is to meet guys. Getting phone numbers is easy but keeping them interested rarely happens. I have been told that I can be a little aggressive but that's just my M.O. How do I approach a guy and keep him interested beyond a one night stand? Hook-ups are fun but I want more. Please help. --Randy


Dear Randy,

I hear this question so often, especially from people who are very discouraged and wanting to give up trying. Rejection is painful and it takes a lot of courage to keep putting yourself out there. I commend you for your tenacity.

My recommendation is to consider three aspects of dating. The first is, where are you meeting men? Are you limiting yourself to bars and clubs? Not that you can't meet quality guys in those venues but the best way to meet like-minded men is to get out there and get involved in activities that interest you. Focus less on the hunt and more on creating a fulfilling life for yourself. When you are engaged in doing things that give you pleasure, you will feel happier and appear less desperate. Happy people are more attractive to others. You will be among guys that have some interest in common besides drinking, hooking up, and finding Mr. Right. Do some volunteer work, take a class, learn a new hobby...anything that will draw you out.

Next, think about how you approach men. You are fortunate in that some have given you feedback about how you come across. In most cases, people just get blown off with nothing to work with. Aggression is off-putting; confidence and assertiveness is attractive. Use the feedback constructively and adjust your style of approaching guys.

Finally, if you are expecting romance and an enduring relationship to come from hook-ups, I encourage you to adopt a new strategy. Not that it can't happen that way but you are more likely to sustain mutual interest in the long run if you focus more on your pacing. Delaying sex with a guy you are interested in allows you to build a foundation of substance that is much more sustaining than a roll in the hay. Get to know him first, let him see who you are, and let the romance evolve naturally. We live in a society of immediate gratification and are frequently left always wanting more. A healthy, mutually intimate relationship requires giving it time and nurturing. Those first few months can be so exciting, so why rush through it? Make the honeymoon last as long a you can. You will be glad you did.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

New LifeLube Column: Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang!!!

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here!
*All private information is kept confidential

This is my inaugural column for LifeLube. As I sit here staring at a blank screen wondering what I can say to you, reader, about the vast subject of love, romance, and relationships, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There is so much to tell you. As a psychotherapist for 15 years, I have devoted much of my practice to the mystery of love. How to find it, sustain it, give it, receive it, savor it, lose it, and on and on. I have learned a lot over the years from my clients, countless books, articles, seminars, and from my own personal struggles with it. Yet I always return to the question, "Why is love so difficult?" The resounding response that repeatedly occurs to me is simply, "LIFE is difficult. And LIFE is LOVE. Therefore, LOVE is difficult." (Ah yes of course, the Transitive Property of Mathematics!)


OK, so let's start with the premise that LOVE is difficult. Now where do we go? It's deplorable that in our culture, our education curriculum includes so little to prepare us for Life's most important experience. Yet we sit through endless class periods of subjects that might be cool to learn about, but offer no real guidance about the things that really matter. "Oh that, dear students, you'll have to learn on your own. We don't teach that here." As an adult, I complained about this, quite vocally out loud for a long time until I decided to do something about it. So years ago, I created a coaching class of sorts for gay men about navigating the challenges of dating, romance, and love. It was wildly successful and well received. Knowing I was on the right track, I began offering it to people of all genders and sexual orientations. Over time, I came to realize that regardless of the diversity inherent among all of us, we are all looking for the same thing: To love and be loved. Together, through the sharing of experience, and learning new ways of thinking about and creating love and romance, we can unlock the mystery of the greatest challenge and most rewarding gift of our lifetimes.

So, I offer this forum to you, the seeker of Love. This is your place to ask a question, seek advice, or simply to see if you're on the right track. Know that you are not alone and that your curiosities will be shared by countless others who can relate and identify. Here we can create that class that we should have been offered in school and learn from each other. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you...

Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Midlife is Sexy - Dating Tips for the 40+ Gay Man

Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success

via GAYTWOGETHER

Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects.

The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.

Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”

It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!

So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!

Get the 7 tips here.