Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang:Opening up a relationship the right way

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan,

My partner and I are in our 30's, have been together for three years and are now considering opening up our relationship. We have a good sex life and love each other a lot, but both of us crave physical contact with other men. What advice do you have to help us do this in a way that sustains our long-term commitment to one another?

Jorge




Dear Jorge,

First, let me say that having discussions with your partner about an open relationship before either of you act upon your desires to be sexual with other men is the first step in creating a plan that will minimize problems down the road that could lead to the destruction of your relationship. Too many couples, straight and gay, find themselves in an open relationship before they have both considered all the implications and risks and before they have agreed to mutually acceptable terms of the arrangement. So I commend you both for exploring this together openly before moving ahead.

There are many different ways that couples create non-monogamous relationships. This can range from a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to complete openness, with many variations in between. In my experience, couples that negotiate the terms of the arrangement openly and honestly before having sex with others outside of their primary relationship have the best success  in protecting their relationships while meeting their desires to have sexual contact with others.

The first consideration needs to be a rigorously honest self-reflection about whether or not each of you truly want to have an open relationship. Very often, one partner in the relationship agrees to an open arrangement out of fear of losing the other if he doesn't go along with it, which will likely lead to serious conflicts later on.

There are some very important relationship qualities that must exist for an open relationship to be fulfilling to both partners, and to avoid jeopardizing the viability of the primary relationship. These include honesty, trust, respect, and safety. If these qualities exist, the couple can then enter into a negotiation about what the mutually acceptable terms of the open arrangement are. Issues to consider are disclosure, acceptable sexual partners, sexual practices, safer sex, location of sexual encounters, boundaries around sexual and emotional relations with others, and whether or not both need to be present when engaging in sex with others. Most important to include in these negotiations is what the consequences will be if the agreed upon rules are broken.

I also encourage you to consider utilizing the support of a therapist to help facilitate the negotiations. It is important to choose a therapist that has a sex-positive attitude about non-monogamy but also a realistic understanding of the risks of an open relationship and the capacity to engage you both in open conversations about them.

Open relationships can be very gratifying to both partners when created in a way that preserves the dignity of each partner and allows each to express their own integrity. On the other hand, opening up a relationship that doesn't have a solid foundation can be the beginning of a painful ending to a partnership. I wish you both the best in working through this very delicate decision and negotiation process.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.



* Join LifeLube in Chicago for "Love in the Age of Grindr" - a forum for gay and bi men to discuss all types of relationships plus being single in a wired, real-time age. May 19, at REHAB (front bar of Circuit). Learn more.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

select key words

2007 National HIV Prevention Conference 2009 National LGBTI Health Summit 2011 LGBTI Health Summit 2012 Gay Men's Health Summit 2012 International AIDS Conference ACT Up AIDS AIDS Foundation of Chicago Africa BUTT Bisexual Bisexual Health Summit Brian Mustanski Center on Halsted Charles Stephens Chicago Chicago Black Gay Men's Caucus Chicago Task Force on LGBT Substance Use and Abuse Chris Bartlett Coaching with Jake Congress David Halperin David Munar Dr. James Holsinger Dr. Jesus Ramirez-Valles Dr. Rafael Diaz Dr. Ron Stall ENDA Ed Negron Eric Rofes FTM Feast of Fun Feel the love... Friday is for Faeries Gay Men's Health Summit 2010 HCV HIV HIV care HIV drugs HIV negative HIV positive HIV prevention HIV stigma HIV strategic plan HIV testing HIV/AIDS HPV Howard Brown Health Center IML IRMA Illinois International AIDS Conference Jim Pickett LGBT LGBT adoption LGBT culture LGBT health LGBT rights LGBT seniors LGBT youth LGBTI community LGBTI culture LGBTI health LGBTI rights LGBTI spirituality LGV Leon Liberman LifeLube LifeLube forum LifeLube poll LifeLube subscription Lorenzo Herrera y Lozano Lymphogranuloma Venereum MRSA MSM Monday Morning Perk-Up National AIDS Strategy National Gay Men's Health Summit One Fey's Tale Peter Pointers Pistol Pete PnP PrEP President Barack Obama Presidential Campaign Project CRYSP Radical Faerie STD Senator Barack Obama Sister Glo Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Susan Kingston Swiss declaration Ted Kerr Test Positive Aware Network The "Work-In" The 2009 Gay Men's Health Agenda Tony Valenzuela Trans Gynecology Access Program Trans and Intersex Association Trevor Hoppe Who's That Queer Woof Wednesday You Tube abstinence only activism advocacy african-american aging issues anal cancer anal carcinoma anal health anal sex andrew's anus athlete ball scene bareback porn barebacking bathhouses bears big bold and beautiful bisexuality black gay men black msm blood ban blood donor body image bottom chubby chaser circumcision civil rights civil union communication community organizing condoms crystal meth dating dating and mating with alan irgang depression disclosure discrimination domestic violence don't ask don't tell douche downlow drag queen emotional health exercise female condom fitness gay culture gay identity gay latino gay male sex gay marriage gay men gay men of color gay men's health gay pride gay rights gay rugby gay sex gay youth gender harm reduction hate crime health care health care reform health insurance hepatitis C hiv vaccine homophobia homosexuality hottie hotties how are you healthy? human rights humor hunk immigration international mr. leather internet intimacy leather community leathersex lifelube survey love lube lubricant masturbation mental health microbicides middle music negotiated safety nutrition oral sex physical health pleasure podcast policy politics poppers porn post-exposure prophylaxis prevention prostate prostate cancer public health public sex venues queer identity racism recovery rectal microbicides relationships religion research safe sex semen sero-adaptation sero-sorting seroguessing sex sexual abuse sexual addiction sexual health sexual orientation smoking social marketing spirituality stigma stonewall riots substance abuse treatment substance use suicide super-bug superinfection syphilis testicle self-examination testicular cancer testing top trans group blog transgender transgender day of remembrance transgendered transmen transphobia transsexual universal health care unsafe sex vaccines video violence viral load writers yoga youtube