Lesbophobia in a Gay Bar: A Personal Account

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Zach Stafford

The other night I went to a gay bar on Christopher Street in New York City and left feeling like a broken piece of a larger, broken gay community that doesn't seem to be whole.

As I walked into the bar, I was excited to see drag bingo being played on a moderately busy Sunday evening, and an array of different kinds of people.

This was New York to me, the New York you always hear about: fun, vibrant, diverse.

My friends decided to stand next to a group of people in front of the drag queen who was moderating bingo, and we befriended them instantly. This group, like mine, was a mixture of lesbians and gay men.

While my friends, new and old, played bingo alongside the other bar-goers, I moved to the restroom for a moment. During this break from bingo, I suddenly heard the drag queen yell over the mic, "Hey, I know you're lesbians and all, but this is a gay bar!" among a few other hateful comments.

I let that my brain absorb what had happened, and I thought, "Wait, did a man impersonating a woman just yell at women for being in a 'gay' bar?"

When I got back to my friends, I saw that the lesbians of the group were clearly pissed off and confused; one friend pulled a bartender over to ask him why they were being targeted by the drag queen's hateful remarks when they were paying customers just wanting to play bingo.

The bartender looked at us and responded, "I can't kick you all out, but I can say that you all should probably leave. You're not going to get served anymore."

This stunned all of us, and in complete anger one of my friends started yelling at the bartender that she was being denied service because she was a lesbian.

She said, "I am staying and finishing my drink. You will just have to deal with me being here, a paying customer playing bingo." The bartender shrugged the statement off, rolled his eyes, and walked behind the bar.

By this time, a gaggle of older gay men who had been watching this happen began yelling things at us: "This is a gay bar! Go home, lesbians!" "Why do you have to be here?" "Don't you people have your own bar?" I decided to talk to these men.

I approached two of them, but one looked at me and said, "You should leave here, too. You don't belong, either!" This came off as racist to me, and I responded accordingly to the older white man: "Sir, you should be careful with how you word that sentence; you're at risk of sounding racist along with already being misogynistic."

He glared at me and once more said, "Leave!" while grabbing my half-full drink, trying to pull it away from me, as the bartenders watched in apparent support of his actions. At that moment I pulled back, yelling, "Excuse you, I am not done yet, and do not touch me!"

I drank the rest of my beverage and slammed down my drink in front of them, but once again, they insisted that I leave along with my lesbian friends.

Finally, I looked at the bartender with hopes of help, but he just shook his head at me. His only response was, "Don't provoke them." With that statement I went for my coat and my friends, who had each been individually cornered by a combination of staff and the older regulars who frequented the bar. We left, defeated.

With the letters L, G, B, and T we see different identities being pushed in tandem in order to present a united front. At times this has caused controversy and turmoil within the "gay" community, but with recent advancements in legal rights, we seemed to be piecing together a more equal future and even beginning to look more whole.

But I want to point to this moment above and ask us, as a community, to look within our own group and recognize the ways in which we are fragmenting each other.

The incident that I went through is not rare, and many of my lesbian friends can point out past moments in which they were harassed for being in a gay bar.

Although I understand the importance of having certain spaces for certain groups, we should not be subjecting women within our own community to the same discrimination that we are fighting against, whether we happen to be in a gay-male bar or not.


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Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Time to Break-Up?

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential

Dear Alan,

When my boyfriend and I go out clubbing, he's always looking for someone to "whistle at" and is now introducing me as his friend. Should I stay vested in this relationship now realizing that I'm not "his type"? I sound entirely self loathing but I'm not. I just don't know when someone is Mr Right- I appreciate what I've learned from him but is now a time to call it quits or simply is this something a gay male should expect?

Rob



Dear Rob,

This is a critical point in your relationship as you are evaluating whether or not he is the right one for you. You are noticing that something isn’t feeling good to you and asking yourself the important question of whether or not you should stay with him. It’s great that you are listening to your inner voice that is trying to alert you that something about this relationship may not be in your best interest.

This isn’t really a question about gay relationships. I hear this from people in all kinds of relationships. Knowing whether your mate is the right one for you is best looked at in two ways. The first is the extent to which your mate fits with what you are most attracted to in terms of physical attributes, common interests, shared values, personality traits, etc. Secondly, and perhaps more important for the long haul, is the question, How do I feel in relationship with this person? Do I feel honored, respected, admired, listened to, validated, etc.? Think about what feels good to you, how you want to feel, and whether or not this relationship meets those needs.

Leaving a relationship can be a difficult and painful process but you can’t say “Yes” to the right relationship until you are able to say "No” to the wrong one. Listen to your heart and it will guide you.







Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

China to Open a Gay Bar for World AIDS Day

Via Towleroad -




The bar for gays will open tomorrow, World AIDS Day, financed by public funds to the tune of 120,000 yuan ($17, 576), the Beijing News said, offered by Dali Prefecture government, and is to be run by The Good Friend Center, a non-governmental organization for gay men. Yunnan has the highest number of HIV/AIDS cases in the country, official data indicates.

Zhang Jianbo, the bar's manager, told the Global Times that the bar will not be operated for merely commercial purposes but rather serve as a platform to raise awareness of its gay clients about safe sex practice among them. "We might not even sell beverages in the bar. We will turn the bar into a tribune to offer lectures and training to gay people in order to reduce AIDS infections among them," he said.

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Bachelorette parties in gay bars... Um, that would be NOOOOO

Gay rights battle puts strain on parties

via Chicago Tribune, by Dawn Turner Trice

They've become a familiar sight in gay bars: women holding bachelorette parties.

The bride-to-be is often easily identifiable. She's the one wearing either a veil or tiara or feather boa or phallic-shaped blow-up hat, and is surrounded by women who begin the night somewhat reserved but metamorphose into pelvis-thrusting vamps as their blood-alcohol levels rise.

The women come to celebrate without having to worry about straight men pawing them. The gay men are there because, well, they don't want to be around a lot of women.

For years, some bar owners have tried to accommodate both groups, but that's becoming increasingly difficult. With California's vote last November in favor of the gay-marriage ban known as Proposition 8, some gays are saying that bachelorette parties at their bars are becoming more than a minor nuisance. They're a constant reminder that gays don't have equal marriage rights.

"The women are a hoot, and some can be just delightful," said Geno Zaharakis, the owner of Cocktail, a gay bar on North Halsted Street. "But because not everybody can get married, watching them celebrate, it's such a slap in the face. Prop 8 just reopened the wound."

Zaharakis told me that Cocktail stopped hosting bachelorette parties a couple of years ago when he noticed his gay patrons weren't just complaining about the women being minor irritants but about them "flaunting" their right to marry. So Zaharakis hung a sign on the front door of his establishment that says, "Bachelorette Parties Are Not Allowed."

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