Loving Him His Fag Hags

by Topher

History shows that behind (or next to)
many a homo is a great fag hag

Such the debate as of late between many of my LGBTQ friends….Heterosexual Bachelorette parties a NOOOOOO in gay bars!? I and my friends have been mulling this topic over for weeks. Have we gone so far to forget who helps pave the ways for gays, sissies, homos…? My answer: FAG HAGS! From prom dates to being our beards when needed yet when our fellow fag hags find true love….they aren’t allowed to share and revel in it with the ones they love…us and our community…just because some lawmakers say we shouldn’t be able to wed? PSHAW! (pshaw - how 1991 , eh?)

Recently, I was approached by my sister-in-law (to be) about her coming bachelorette party on October 3rd. Now, my sister-to-be is my fag hag, my confidant, my bestest girlfriend, the closest thing I have to a real sister, everything I could wish for in a friend and more. We share everything from holidays, to each others birthdays, our friends misgivings….she has become the glue between much of my family and I. The idea had been posed to bring her bachelorette party to the gayborhood. Why not? ALL THE GIRLS love us boys, we all know how to throw down with out trying to get into their skivvies while having a good time (important to woman have a few to drink AND BEING SAFE). WITHOUT hesitation I jumped for it and let her Maid-of-honor and her know that I GOT IT, and let’s bring her bachelorette party to homoville!

Ironically, it was she who asked me if having a bachelorette party in gaytown would be emotional issue with proposition 8 topic, and if it bothers me that while I am not afforded the right to marry? And until I read a few articles written about bachelorette parties just being nuisance I had no idea that others in my community would feel so ill about bachelorette parties in fag bars. So, I bring us back to my first question, have we come so far to forget who helped us in our hours of needs. History shows that behind (or next to) many a homo is a great fag hag.

For me, a world of drugs, and a fall from grace was eminent in my early year with all the negative choices I had made. With the help of my brother and his soon-to-be wife I found the much needed help …and when she wants to revel in her found happiness amongst her real friends (us fags) I’m suppose to say NO gay bars for you (oh but by the way next week when you want a drink we’ll take your money)? Does that not make us just as much a bigot as our right-wing heterosexual counterparts rallying against us in our search for marital bliss? Ack! Have we come so far that we (the LGBT community) are a community of exclusivity instead of inclusivity?

Personally, I say F#CK MARRIAGE! A religious institution I want no party to because religion is not a central issue in my life. However, civil unions, that’s a different story. Politically get rid of marriage (since it is religious in origin and that SUPPOSED separation of church and sate we all so talk about) and place civil unions for heterosexuals, and homosexuals, and lesbian…all human kind…wanting to healthily enter into this legal binding. IF religion is a central focus in your life, be my guest and celebrate before god, I choose to want to celebrate it amongst my family and friends and leave God out of it (but I digress).

When that day arrives, you bet my sister-in-law will be there at the alter beside me, the week before helping my best man throw that bachelor party (which will look much like her bachelorette party) and together we will revel and celebrate in our happiness together. BUT UNTIL then, I refuse to think that my fellow faggots would be so rude to turn a blind eye to the fag hags that helped pave our ways when we were younger, that still pave the way for many of things today and still stand next to us in our fight for everything that we hold dear...because they are female and their celebration of there marriage is somehow being flaunted in our face? THINK again and get over it!

Mister Duerkes goes to Washington

Pardon my giddiness, for I am still riding the high from my first time lobbying beyond the state level.

Topher Duerkes takes us there - AIDSWatch 2009



I just returned from AIDSwatch '09 in Washington DC…Pardon my giddiness, for I am still riding the high from my first time lobbying beyond the state level. If you have ever attended an AIDSwatch, I am sure you know of the next few events…if not, here’s some insight for your adventures in DC when you attend the next AIDSwatch.

Opening day we met for a day of training that helped inform each of us of the topics we were lobbying for: National Aids strategy, Healthcare reform, improved medicare/medicaid, ETHA, Needle exchange, Promoting evidence-based prevention, increased appropriations for HIV programs, Ryan White, etc.. The morning was filled with a host of introductions and a panel of speakers from all over that helped to empower us to be ready for the day of advocating that we were about to endeavor upon.

Immediately following the morning introductions we were separated into our respective state groups and outlined the next day’s meetings and events. Jessica Terlikowski, of the AIDS Foundation of Chicago, was our team captain that would help guide us through the next few days of advocating (through out the conference Jessica and AFC's David Munar intermittently exchanged places and helped channel us in whatever direction necessary). Each of us had our own stories to tell, each story representing a different issue/bill we were advocating for. Jessica allowed each of us to shine and speak about the topics closest to our hearts while still having a directive guiding hand while answering any questions that would come up. Shortly after the morning training we met off Pennsylvania for an emotional rally to further empowered us for the next days events.

The next two days were hour by hour meetings with our fellow delegate/team mates from the surrounding cities in Illinois as we met with members of Congress (each of the other state’s teams meeting with their members of Congress that had direct affiliation with their states). At any given moment you could find our different teams scurrying from building to building, going through tunnels and/or security, to meet each member of Congress slated to meet with us as they gave us their undivided attention to elaborate our concerns and issues we represented.

In my group I had several powerful individuals: Terre who elegantly spoke about Health Care Reform, and the National AIDS Strategy; Monica who delivered a powerful speech on improved care for persons living with HIV/AIDS; Louis and Jeff who delivered a potent reason for promoting evidence based HIV prevention; and Clarence and I who spoke from the heart about increased appropriations for HIV programs, Ryan White/HOPWA, needle exchange, and SAMHSA funding.

From the beginning to the end of AIDSwatch ’09, I met some beneficial, interesting and wonderful people, learned a lot about the people I already new, gained valuable information about our legislature, programs and service funding at the federal level, and felt a great attachment to something worthwhile that directly affected me and the community in which I serve as a member of. It was an eye-opening meaningful experience meeting members of Congress, telling them our personal stories, advocating for issues/bills that affect those of us who are HIV+.

I can only hope and surmise that our enthusiasm and time was well received….Who knows if we made a difference but I for surely am a richer man from the experience.

I strongly urge anyone with a story, and a commitment for change, attend next year's AIDSwatch - it is a worthwhile encounter!


[Also by Topher, read As of today... meth and the boy next door gone wrong]

As of today... meth and the boy next door gone wrong

by Topher

Sitting here at the PC, I wonder what words of wisdom I have to impart to the world that might have any value in anyone’s life that isn’t just meaningless chatter of emotional drivel.


Well, I guess I could start by explaining a bit about whom the fuck I am (as if I really know yet, so I guess I should start with the fundamental basics)?

I have a witty sarcasm about myself I use to fend off any persons getting emotionally close to me.

I am a 35 year old, homosexual male that lives on the Near-North-Side of Chicago. My name is Christopher but all my friends call me Topher. I am 6’1” 175lbs golden-brown hair and green-brown eyes with a trim swimmer’s-esque build. I look much like the boy-next-door but my disposition lends more towards the boy-next-door-gone-wrong! Monday through Friday during the day I wear slacks and a dress shirt…by night and on the weekends I dress down sporting my eight tattoos and five body piercings (not counting the piercings in my ears and I am far from finished with the physical adornments). I have a witty sarcasm about myself I use to fend off any persons getting emotionally close to me. Very few persons can get past my demeanor to get close enough to know the true person under it all. I like my defense mechanism.

I am a recovering addict, fallen from grace into the dark world of methamphetamine (crystal). As of today, I am two and a half years clean from all mind altering substances; this includes drugs and alcohol. Will I remain clean for the rest of my life? Only God knows the answer to that question (if there is such a deity) but my personal endeavors are remaining on this path one day at a time. How cliché of a phrase but I find it true.

Regaining one's sanity back from such a cunning drug is no easy task. There are days still that I doubt my own sanity today.

Born into a middle class American family, marrying into wealth, and returning to the unbridled street of poverty, I have lived a full existence. Seemingly having it all and watching it all get taken away as I stood laughing and looming about “tweaking” on the drug so often referred to as “Tina.” The evil bitch is cunning, baffling and powerful (again, the clichés), but most of all, she is deceitful. Her only desire is to have you in her clutches, see you suffer, and kill you (or watch as you kill yourself). I believe crystal meth maybe the very downfall of the gay community as a whole; forever destroying all that which we as a community have fought for in equality and understanding. Not such a pleasant thought is it?

For those who have never fallen pray to addiction my words probably will make no sense. For those that have… I bet every word has a ring of truth in your own life. It is for mine at least.

I live for today in the here and now. I only have enough stamina for these moments.

I live for today in the here and now. I only have enough stamina for these moments. My convictions are set and my constitution great that I will survive the coming and going of crystal meth in my life. I, personally, owe a great debt of gratitude, love and loyalty to certain persons in my life for aiding me in realizing the depths in which I sunk in my addiction: (not that they will read this but I will always be grateful to these people.) First and foremost my loving brother and sister-in-law - Robert and Nicole (they were my strength and sometimes my conscience), my mother, my friends – Scott, Chris, Mark, and my sponsor Jim, and the newest of the bunch to stand at my side, my partner, Randy. There are many more whom I should thank (in and out of the programs) but these few people stuck by my side and never lost confidence in me and still today enable me to find strength and hope. I thank them for being my family and my friends…and most of all I thank all of them for being there for me when I could not be there for myself.

In all my 35 years of life I have lived so many lives and yet I am just now finding out who I am. I hope to discover more of who I am and share with people the trials and tribulations of this recovering-meth-head’s past, present, and once and again future.

In 2005, at the age 32 I found myself HIV+ and highly addicted to using crystal meth (by this point I had been using a variety of drugs for the better part of 15 years, but my drug of choice would have always been meth). My using had gone so far that I had lost my partner, my home, my job, my car, and my loving puppy companion…and living on the street. A story it seems we see on every bookshelf at any given bookstore. I needed help, but for a couch-hopping homeless person without insurance, there are very few choices available.

While out using, I was given the business card of a therapist and told “if you ever want help, call this number.” With no rhyme or reason I kept that number in my pocket/wallet and never once again really looked at the card.

After months of trying to keep my head above water, I called upon my family and asked for help. Having used and abused them during my duration of drug usage, I was told I could stay for a few days. My first night with them I went to the two dollar movies to see the movie version of RENT; sobbing like a little child the entire duration of the movie. That night I slept but a little, and the next morning I was told I better make some arrangements. After two years in my wallet, I drew the card from my pocket and made a phone call to this unknown therapist. That was January 11, 2006.

Over the phone I introduced myself to this unknown person, gave the therapist a quick highlight of who I was, what was happening in my life, and the purpose of my call. After a short silence the voice on the other end said he could help and referred me to an agency called Haymarket, where I was to check in the very next morning.

“I am a flaming faggot, and I am HIV+, and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself.”

From what I viewed as the bottom of society, I had to pull myself up and begin all over. I entered Haymarket hell bent on not taking any shit and regaining a semblance of mental stability. I informed the staff and fellow clients that “I am a flaming faggot, and I am HIV+, and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself.” Probably not the best way to greet people, but it got my message through that I was not about to be confronted with this issue of needing to change my sexuality to get sobering help. With the aid of Haymarket and their staff, their newly formed crystal meth program, and their health education department I learned greatly about my addictive personality, and how to once again effectively cope with life without self-medicating. For three months I lived at this facility, talking with counselors, participating in groups, going to meetings. Daily, I repeated these actions til it became instilled in me the necessity for a schedule.

I relocated to a transitional program and from there to a three quarters home called Bonaventure. With their aid and help I was able to enter college, where I am endeavoring to gain my CADC (Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor). My thought process…”What the hell, All I have known has been how to fuck, and do drugs. Why not work with other people like me that I can maybe understand?” After a year living at Bonaventure I was able to maintain school and regain employment; a position with a company close to home (of sorts) with the very agency that helped me get sober, Haymarket Center.

My career endeavors have not changed a year and a half later, I work closely with risk reduction services that allow me to help educate people on ways to reduce their risk for infection/transmission of HIV. This semester in college I begin practicum hours where as I will be able to put the concepts of theories of chemical dependency counseling I have learned into practice. As case manager for those in substance abuse, I have worked very closely with those recovering from crystal (between my job, my sponsees, and just everyday sober socialization) I have found that many programs lack working through safer sex in sobriety, and sex triggers.

I fear that many agencies do their clients a great injustice by not focusing on sex triggers and focusing on a sexually abstinent program (especially for those recovering from crystal usage because of the large sexual component it has…more-so with gay men). Often agency clients return to the outside world not appropriately armed with the tools to work through the sexual component of their disease.

Separating the drug from my sex drive was not an easy task, but two and a half years later, I maintain a substance-free life, and have incorporated a sex life far better than I ever had on crystal.

As a person in recovery from crystal myself, I have struggled with the sexual component of meth. Separating the drug from my sex drive was not an easy task, but two and a half years later, I maintain a substance-free life, and have incorporated a sex life far better than I ever had on crystal. It took determination, speaking with my therapist openly, and several failed sexual attempts to RE-learn how to have crystal-free sex. Now, the challenge is finding others who like the type of sex I do and are crystal-free themselves....

I urge anyone in a treatment type setting to bring these issues of sex and triggers to the group and you'll find it is a common issue many of us in recovery from crystal need to talk about and work through. It has helped me greatly to maintain my program and surround myself with others living a crystal-free life, and openly speak about my sexual urges and triggers to ensure I do not repeat my past.

Crystal-free sex can, AND IS, better sex. Do not fool yourself for long that crysta-based sex is the best sex. If you refuse to believe otherwise, I don’t believe you will be able to move forward.

Do I still think about crystal, HELL YEAH!

Do I still think about crystal, HELL YEAH, but I have learned to understand where crystal took me – that dark place of numbness and self-loathing. Today, I learn to call my sponsor, talk to my boss. For the first time in my life, I wake up grateful just to be able to breathe. I go to work and have formed a synergistic relationship with my team members and bosses, whom I have come to admire and love. I am lucky to have these people in my life who understand my past issues, who empower me to continue on this road, and help me help others to realize their potential for a successful chemical-free life.

Today, my partner of a year and half and I, both maintain a substance-free life, squabbling over the life’s basic small things like bills, decorating, who’s gonna be top/bottom, who gets to pay for dinner….quite enjoyable, in comparison to the drug haze craziness of where to get drugs, where am I gonna stay, how can I numb-out…the life that either of us lived before. Today we are learning to love ourselves and one another as we share wonderful times with our puppy, friends, and family (Don’t get me wrong…there are days I grit my teeth, rant and rave…but I think we all get those days…sober or otherwise).

The mere fact is that I am no more special than anyone else. But I have realized that I am deserving of the greater things than I had before. The very things I have begun to accomplish.

Starting over, and re-inventing one’s self can be a wonderful thing, at any age…if you want it, and I very much want it.


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