As of today... meth and the boy next door gone wrong

by Topher

Sitting here at the PC, I wonder what words of wisdom I have to impart to the world that might have any value in anyone’s life that isn’t just meaningless chatter of emotional drivel.


Well, I guess I could start by explaining a bit about whom the fuck I am (as if I really know yet, so I guess I should start with the fundamental basics)?

I have a witty sarcasm about myself I use to fend off any persons getting emotionally close to me.

I am a 35 year old, homosexual male that lives on the Near-North-Side of Chicago. My name is Christopher but all my friends call me Topher. I am 6’1” 175lbs golden-brown hair and green-brown eyes with a trim swimmer’s-esque build. I look much like the boy-next-door but my disposition lends more towards the boy-next-door-gone-wrong! Monday through Friday during the day I wear slacks and a dress shirt…by night and on the weekends I dress down sporting my eight tattoos and five body piercings (not counting the piercings in my ears and I am far from finished with the physical adornments). I have a witty sarcasm about myself I use to fend off any persons getting emotionally close to me. Very few persons can get past my demeanor to get close enough to know the true person under it all. I like my defense mechanism.

I am a recovering addict, fallen from grace into the dark world of methamphetamine (crystal). As of today, I am two and a half years clean from all mind altering substances; this includes drugs and alcohol. Will I remain clean for the rest of my life? Only God knows the answer to that question (if there is such a deity) but my personal endeavors are remaining on this path one day at a time. How cliché of a phrase but I find it true.

Regaining one's sanity back from such a cunning drug is no easy task. There are days still that I doubt my own sanity today.

Born into a middle class American family, marrying into wealth, and returning to the unbridled street of poverty, I have lived a full existence. Seemingly having it all and watching it all get taken away as I stood laughing and looming about “tweaking” on the drug so often referred to as “Tina.” The evil bitch is cunning, baffling and powerful (again, the clichés), but most of all, she is deceitful. Her only desire is to have you in her clutches, see you suffer, and kill you (or watch as you kill yourself). I believe crystal meth maybe the very downfall of the gay community as a whole; forever destroying all that which we as a community have fought for in equality and understanding. Not such a pleasant thought is it?

For those who have never fallen pray to addiction my words probably will make no sense. For those that have… I bet every word has a ring of truth in your own life. It is for mine at least.

I live for today in the here and now. I only have enough stamina for these moments.

I live for today in the here and now. I only have enough stamina for these moments. My convictions are set and my constitution great that I will survive the coming and going of crystal meth in my life. I, personally, owe a great debt of gratitude, love and loyalty to certain persons in my life for aiding me in realizing the depths in which I sunk in my addiction: (not that they will read this but I will always be grateful to these people.) First and foremost my loving brother and sister-in-law - Robert and Nicole (they were my strength and sometimes my conscience), my mother, my friends – Scott, Chris, Mark, and my sponsor Jim, and the newest of the bunch to stand at my side, my partner, Randy. There are many more whom I should thank (in and out of the programs) but these few people stuck by my side and never lost confidence in me and still today enable me to find strength and hope. I thank them for being my family and my friends…and most of all I thank all of them for being there for me when I could not be there for myself.

In all my 35 years of life I have lived so many lives and yet I am just now finding out who I am. I hope to discover more of who I am and share with people the trials and tribulations of this recovering-meth-head’s past, present, and once and again future.

In 2005, at the age 32 I found myself HIV+ and highly addicted to using crystal meth (by this point I had been using a variety of drugs for the better part of 15 years, but my drug of choice would have always been meth). My using had gone so far that I had lost my partner, my home, my job, my car, and my loving puppy companion…and living on the street. A story it seems we see on every bookshelf at any given bookstore. I needed help, but for a couch-hopping homeless person without insurance, there are very few choices available.

While out using, I was given the business card of a therapist and told “if you ever want help, call this number.” With no rhyme or reason I kept that number in my pocket/wallet and never once again really looked at the card.

After months of trying to keep my head above water, I called upon my family and asked for help. Having used and abused them during my duration of drug usage, I was told I could stay for a few days. My first night with them I went to the two dollar movies to see the movie version of RENT; sobbing like a little child the entire duration of the movie. That night I slept but a little, and the next morning I was told I better make some arrangements. After two years in my wallet, I drew the card from my pocket and made a phone call to this unknown therapist. That was January 11, 2006.

Over the phone I introduced myself to this unknown person, gave the therapist a quick highlight of who I was, what was happening in my life, and the purpose of my call. After a short silence the voice on the other end said he could help and referred me to an agency called Haymarket, where I was to check in the very next morning.

“I am a flaming faggot, and I am HIV+, and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself.”

From what I viewed as the bottom of society, I had to pull myself up and begin all over. I entered Haymarket hell bent on not taking any shit and regaining a semblance of mental stability. I informed the staff and fellow clients that “I am a flaming faggot, and I am HIV+, and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself.” Probably not the best way to greet people, but it got my message through that I was not about to be confronted with this issue of needing to change my sexuality to get sobering help. With the aid of Haymarket and their staff, their newly formed crystal meth program, and their health education department I learned greatly about my addictive personality, and how to once again effectively cope with life without self-medicating. For three months I lived at this facility, talking with counselors, participating in groups, going to meetings. Daily, I repeated these actions til it became instilled in me the necessity for a schedule.

I relocated to a transitional program and from there to a three quarters home called Bonaventure. With their aid and help I was able to enter college, where I am endeavoring to gain my CADC (Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor). My thought process…”What the hell, All I have known has been how to fuck, and do drugs. Why not work with other people like me that I can maybe understand?” After a year living at Bonaventure I was able to maintain school and regain employment; a position with a company close to home (of sorts) with the very agency that helped me get sober, Haymarket Center.

My career endeavors have not changed a year and a half later, I work closely with risk reduction services that allow me to help educate people on ways to reduce their risk for infection/transmission of HIV. This semester in college I begin practicum hours where as I will be able to put the concepts of theories of chemical dependency counseling I have learned into practice. As case manager for those in substance abuse, I have worked very closely with those recovering from crystal (between my job, my sponsees, and just everyday sober socialization) I have found that many programs lack working through safer sex in sobriety, and sex triggers.

I fear that many agencies do their clients a great injustice by not focusing on sex triggers and focusing on a sexually abstinent program (especially for those recovering from crystal usage because of the large sexual component it has…more-so with gay men). Often agency clients return to the outside world not appropriately armed with the tools to work through the sexual component of their disease.

Separating the drug from my sex drive was not an easy task, but two and a half years later, I maintain a substance-free life, and have incorporated a sex life far better than I ever had on crystal.

As a person in recovery from crystal myself, I have struggled with the sexual component of meth. Separating the drug from my sex drive was not an easy task, but two and a half years later, I maintain a substance-free life, and have incorporated a sex life far better than I ever had on crystal. It took determination, speaking with my therapist openly, and several failed sexual attempts to RE-learn how to have crystal-free sex. Now, the challenge is finding others who like the type of sex I do and are crystal-free themselves....

I urge anyone in a treatment type setting to bring these issues of sex and triggers to the group and you'll find it is a common issue many of us in recovery from crystal need to talk about and work through. It has helped me greatly to maintain my program and surround myself with others living a crystal-free life, and openly speak about my sexual urges and triggers to ensure I do not repeat my past.

Crystal-free sex can, AND IS, better sex. Do not fool yourself for long that crysta-based sex is the best sex. If you refuse to believe otherwise, I don’t believe you will be able to move forward.

Do I still think about crystal, HELL YEAH!

Do I still think about crystal, HELL YEAH, but I have learned to understand where crystal took me – that dark place of numbness and self-loathing. Today, I learn to call my sponsor, talk to my boss. For the first time in my life, I wake up grateful just to be able to breathe. I go to work and have formed a synergistic relationship with my team members and bosses, whom I have come to admire and love. I am lucky to have these people in my life who understand my past issues, who empower me to continue on this road, and help me help others to realize their potential for a successful chemical-free life.

Today, my partner of a year and half and I, both maintain a substance-free life, squabbling over the life’s basic small things like bills, decorating, who’s gonna be top/bottom, who gets to pay for dinner….quite enjoyable, in comparison to the drug haze craziness of where to get drugs, where am I gonna stay, how can I numb-out…the life that either of us lived before. Today we are learning to love ourselves and one another as we share wonderful times with our puppy, friends, and family (Don’t get me wrong…there are days I grit my teeth, rant and rave…but I think we all get those days…sober or otherwise).

The mere fact is that I am no more special than anyone else. But I have realized that I am deserving of the greater things than I had before. The very things I have begun to accomplish.

Starting over, and re-inventing one’s self can be a wonderful thing, at any age…if you want it, and I very much want it.


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