The Gay Male Couple's Guide to Nonmonogamy

via Advocate, by Daniel Vaillancourt

Mikey Rox and Everett Earl Morrow, both now 30, were committed to monogamy when they met and fell in love. That was five years ago.

“After a couple instances of infidelity to which we both confessed, we decided it’s not realistic to expect either of us to never hook up with anyone else ever again,” says Rox, principal of Paper Rox Scissors Copy and Creative in Manhattan.

The legally married couple has had an open relationship for the last two years. “Who wouldn’t want to be allowed to hook up with other guys and have their husband be OK with it?” he asks.

“Isn’t that what most men dream of, and isn’t the limitation of sex with one partner in a marriage the reason why so many people cheat?” Adds Morrow, “As two men, sex isn’t particularly emotional for either of us. That enables us to separate our love for one another from the occasional physical attraction we may have for another guy.”

Matthew and Pablo, married 40-something realtors in Palm Springs, Calif., were monogamous for the first eight of their 15 years together.

“We sort of just fell into our open relationship,” says Matthew. “It’s been a slow evolution. In the beginning, we only played together, which made it feel less threatening.”

They still enjoy the occasional threesome, but for the last few years have increasingly sought sex outside the relationship.

Jelle and Guido, both 44-year-old ground personnel for an international airline in Amsterdam, have been together since 1997.

For 10 years monogamy reigned. But when physical attraction waned, sex fell by the wayside and the relationship soured, eventually hitting rock bottom.

The two figured they had nothing to lose, opened up their relationship, and saved it. “I’m really happy,” says Guido. “It made our relationship stronger. I’m glad he’s my partner, I love him, and I believe it was a wise decision to give each other the freedom we needed.”

Adds Jelle: “There are so many things keeping us together: love, trust, friendship, security, common hobbies and interests, humor, a shoulder to cry on. Much too much to give up for that tiny but oh so important aspect in life that is sex.”

Although no one knows for sure how many gay couples are in open relationships, or whether they are on the decline, it’s certain these men are not alone. “I would feel comfortable saying that at least four out of five long-term gay male couples are not monogamous,” says Beverly Hills sexologist Winston Wilde.

“Monogamy rarely does work for more than two years — for most straight and bi men as well.”
Which isn’t to say that lifelong fidelity is unattainable. Experts agree that couples who are creative and on the same page can absolutely sustain a vigorously exclusive sex life.

“We are not and have never been in an open relationship,” says Doug Hairgrove. He and partner Warren Wood, married septuagenarians also from Palm Springs, have been together 50 years.

They’re still intimate at least twice a week and see sex and love as inseparable. “We do not understand having one and not the other,” says Wood.

John Sovec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Pasadena, Calif., encourages his clients to form the most powerful and satisfying bond possible. “I believe gay couples have an incredible opportunity to create whatever type of relationship works best for them without the constraints of a societal norm,” he says.

When one partner wants an open relationship and the other does not, “one person has to yield,” says Loren A. Olson, a Des Moines psychiatrist and the author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, a Psychiatrist’s Own Story.

“Two cannot live with rules that are mutually exclusive.” In such scenarios, Timothy Huber, a clinical psychologist in the New York metro area, prescribes the three T’s.

“Talk, talk, talk about it,” he urges. “Do not avoid or minimize the issue. For some, that’s a setup for infidelity. If conflicts persist, seek professional assistance.”

Even when both partners desire nonmonogamy, there are cases when it’s not advisable. “Odd as it may sound, an open relationship requires a strong degree of trust and respect in order to be successful,” says Didi Zahariades, a psychotherapist in private practice in Portland, Ore.

“In my experience, it requires a healthy, loving couple who are able to talk honestly about their individual needs. Open relationships are not a possibility for a couple with a high degree of distrust or jealousy. If a couple is already volatile, then adding another person — or persons — is simply not an option.”


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Gay Relationships and Heteronorma-what?

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Ed Jackson

My partner Adrian and I have been together for nine monogamous years. We celebrate the fact that we're both men, that we've found true love, and that we want to get married.

We also hate the fact that, despite our best efforts, we still struggle with heteronormative constructs, which can be deadly to gay relationships.

They are time bombs scheduled to explode at the exact moment one of the latent, stereotypical gender roles preprogrammed into our subconscious emerges.

When they do, we are usually completely unprepared and lack the tools to handle them.

In 2009, Sean Slavin published an article in the journal Sexualities that explained "heternormative" this way:

Such practices as open relationships, casual sex with regular partners (fuck buddies), and alternative family structures distinct from sex, exist widely among gay men and various combinations often do provide a mix of sex, romance and relationship. The insistence that these things should exist in one relationship is heteronormative...

He adds that one of the primary problems heternormative constructs create is that:

gay men struggle to make meaning in their relationships using a heteronormative discourse. This suggests that gay men must continue the struggle to have their relationships recognized by the law and wider society, but they must seek recognition for the relationships they have, not the ones that are ideal or acceptable (e.g. gay marriage).

Gay men are increasingly embracing monogamy, marriage, and parenthood. Those are the relationships many of us have and that even more of us want.

Don't think that being in an open relationship makes you safe. Constantly throwing gay men who want marriage and monogamy under the bus by cavalierly labeling our relationships and aspirations for love as heteronormative is counterproductive.

It demonstrates a failure to acknowledge how deeply heternormative constructs and the underlying gender roles are engrained and that they pose an ongoing threat to all gay relationships.

For example, Adrian and I had to learn how to let go of the traditional roles men are expected to play in relationships. The first few years we were together, we were constantly competing with each other and had no idea why.

We later discovered it was because ideas like being the "head of household" and the "king of the castle" had been so seamlessly introduced into our minds as children that we didn't recognize them as the source of conflict between us as gay adults.

The first few heteronormative time bombs that exploded in our relationship nearly ended us.

Now, Adrian and I operate under the assumption that more of these weapons are out there lurking in belief systems we thought we'd purged when we made peace with our sexuality.

Not everyone has been so lucky. We all know gay men whose relationships were blown apart by some insurmountable, enigmatic obstacle.

They are the guys who get a blank look on their face when talking about their ex while saying, "We loved each other. We just couldn't make it work."

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Filling the Void: Interracial/Inter-Cultural Dating 101

by Lee Carson, MSW, LSW (and LifeLube pal)

Excerpt:

I think that many of us who have dated interracially or inter-culturally can attest that often times there are things we may deal with in the context of our relationships that may not present themselves in relationships where both partners in the couple are of the same racial and/or cultural experience.

Some examples of things that may come up include: issues around your partners race from family and/or friends; dating someone of a different religious experience than your family’s belief (ex: someone of the Islamic faith dating a Christian); dating someone from a different country among other things. Cultural differences can be even as nuanced as one partner coming from a smaller more reserved family and the other from a larger family where they are more boisterous and socially aggressive. The possibilities of the varying cultural differences that could present themselves are endless.

Read the whole thing.

He likes it r-w

By Sapphire

Kel and I dated for three months. We met on the subway where he ran after me to tell me how beautiful I was. He was impressive but I wasn’t prepared drama that tagged along.

Kel and I were not compatible. We fought all the time and were completely disrespectful to one another.  There were times when I couldn’t even look at him.  He would buy me something nice to make up for arguments or fights. He thought it would make me happier.-9 times out of ten..It did.

At the time, sex wasn’t a major need for me. I was trying to escape an oversexed lifestyle and having sex with Kel, wasn’t the best idea. There were days when I had sex with three people in a row! A little out of control I know! 

We were a serodiscordant couple (I am HIV positive and he was HIV negative) and my health was very important to me. I thought with Kel, I could turn a new leaf but that was not the case.

Kel LOVED sex. He bugged all the time about sex and the sex he was into was not healthy. Bottom line, Kel was the “raw-topping” type of guy. He never refused to use condoms but there were times when the condom would come off

 It was a pleasure rush but sometimes a headache. It really messed with my head. Why would a HIV negative man want to risk his life contracting HIV from someone he barely knows? It didn’t add up to me. We had discussions about it that went nowhere. He would say “Don’t stress about it” and it really confused me. There were moments when I felt he was lying about his status. Does he know how HIV is affecting gay men today? Was he trying to get infected? Is he ready to live with the virus?

After much reflection, I broke up with him. I couldn’t keep putting his life or mine in danger. I followed up with my doctor about my behavior and got myself checked out. Everything was fine and I felt like I dodged a bullet. I am glad that we communicated about each other’s HIV status but upset we didn’t make healthy choices around that. Understanding that condom negotiation is not easy, I had to develop better about my communication skill for the next guy. Trust me- it’s better now.

How are Roberto and Naes healthy?[Our first "How are you healthy?" video]

Since the launch of the "How are you healthy"' series  in 2009, LifeLube has had contributions from 143 wonderful individuals who have provided insight on staying healthy in a world where making unhealthy choices is fashionable.

Keeping up with what's hot in 2011 (though, yes, we are a little late to the party), LifeLube has uploaded its FIRST video to the "How are you healthy" series. Watch how Roberto and Naes maintain a healthy relationship and lifestyle as a couple.

LifeLube would like to encourage YOU to reflect on your own healthy choices and make video to provide tips to others on LifeLube! Stay Fashionable! Be Healthy! Live Long! LifeLube!Send your video link or written post to lifelube@gmail.com.




--Roberto and Naes
Philadelphia



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