Peter Pointers is Chicago's most trusted source for gay, sexy, healthy info with an all-access pass to nationally known health and wellness experts. Go ahead, ask Peter for Pointers. Visit his page on the LifeLube site and read answers to commonly asked questions too.
Q:Why is it that, myself as a gay man, I can not have an orgasm while receiving oral sex and during anal sex it takes a really long time for me to cum?
A: Thank you very much for your question. I appreciate that you are looking into this situation that seems to be causing you a bit of frustration.
I’d like to start by saying that the ways our bodies behave sexually often varies greatly from person to person. So, when talking about topics like the amount of time it takes to cum, you should know that It varies for each person and that many people experience similar problems of not being able to come as quickly as they want to or at all. However, there are some things that we do want to consider.
One difficulty with sexual dysfunctions, aside from the obvious impact it can have on your sex life, is that there are a lot of factors that go into sex and orgasm. As the Mayo Clinic tells us, "male sexual arousal is a complex process involving the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles and blood vessels.” Any glitch in those systems can throw things off and lead to problems in performance.
So, this means that there could be something physical, something medical, or something psychological causing you to have trouble maintaining erections. It then become a matter of trying to eliminate possibilities until something works. Working with a urologist, you could look into physical and medical issues that may be the culprit. Also, talking with a therapist or someone specializing in sexual performance might help with the more psychological side.
Brian Rzepczynski, LCSW, MSW, a couples counselor, a sex therapist, and relationship coach (http://thegaylovecoach.com) says to check with a doctor first, “more often than not these cases tend to be psychological in nature, but inability to climax can also be linked to medication side-effects, aging, or neurobiological issues. If everything checks out ok, it’s more than likely rooted in stress and anxiety or some kind of emotional block.”
Dr. Braden Berkey, Psy.D., the Director of the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Institute at the Center on Halsted and a private practice psychologist, has weighed in on sexual struggles before. According to him, if it is something more brain-related, you may be thinking way too much during sex. Sometimes we just get into a state of mind that we can't seem to shake every time we try having sex.
The trick is to take the focus off the destination and enjoy the journey.
You can do that a number of ways but it all comes down to letting your mind go. Take a break from the mindset of trying to cum – and try not to think about how you are trying not to think about cumming (this is easier said than done, of course). Start with massages, staying focused on the sensations you are experiencing - accepting them as they come without evaluating them. As you move into foreplay and sex, watch for any critical or distracting thoughts seeping in. It will take time to re-train your brain to turn off, so be patient.
If those tips don’t work, and it is causing you enough distress, you may want to bring in a professional. Beyond medical intervention, it is also possible that there are deeper issues attached to ejaculating. If this is the case, it may take more work. Exploring this with a well trained and understanding therapist may be worth the time.
For more reading on the clinical information about this issue, click here. Be well,
Peter Pointers
peterpointers@lifelube.org
www.lifelube.org/experts.php
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