For Same Sex Couples, a Tale of Two Paths to Parenting

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Gary J. Gates

The weekly adventures of Modern Family's gay parents Mitchell and Cameron highlight a common contemporary media image of gay parenting: wealthy, urban, white gay men raising an adopted child.

However, U.S. Census Bureau data suggest that same-sex couples raising children are substantially more diverse than these media images. Notably, the data show big differences between same-sex couples who adopt and other same-sex couples.

While those who adopt look more like Mitch and Cam, those who are raising biological or stepchildren are younger, more racially and ethnically diverse, and have lower incomes.

The Cam and Mitchell version of adoptive parenting is actually not yet the norm among same-sex couples. While more than 15,000 are currently raising an adopted child under age 18 (according to my analyses of data from the 2010 American Community Survey), nearly 74,000 same-sex couples are raising a biological or stepchild.

Demographically, Cam and Mitchell are actually pretty typical of same-sex adoptive parents, but same-sex couples raising biological or stepchildren have substantially different demographic characteristics.

For example, same-sex couples with biological or step children show evidence of economic disadvantage. In 2010 they had lower average household incomes than their different-sex counterparts ($82,000 vs. $92,500), and were more than twice as likely to be receiving public assistance.

Conversely, adoptive same-sex parents are economically advantaged. They had an average household income of nearly $157,000 compared to $104,000 among their different-sex counterparts.

Several demographic characteristics explain why so many same-sex couples with biological or stepchildren face economic difficulties. First, they are relatively young. On average, same-sex parents raising biological or stepchildren are nearly two years younger than comparable different-sex couples and six years younger than same-sex adoptive parents.

Many individuals in same-sex couples raising biological or stepchildren have lower levels of education. Among individuals in same-sex couples who have less than a high school degree, one in three (33 percent) are raising biological or stepchildren, while just 5 percent have an adopted child.

It's the opposite for those with a college degree. Less than one in ten (9 percent) are raising biological or stepchildren, but a third of those parents have an adopted child.

Raising biological or stepchildren is substantially more common among racial and ethnic minorities, but adoption is most common among white people. African Americans in same-sex couples are three times more likely, and Latinos and Latinas 2.5 times more likely, than their white counterparts to have biological or stepchildren (29 percent, 23 percent, and 9 percent, respectively).

But white same-sex couples with children are three times as likely as same-sex couples with a non-white partner to be raising an adopted child (18 percent vs. 6 percent).

Same-sex couples with biological and stepchildren are more common in the socially conservative South and Midwest, where LGBT people likely come out later in life and are more likely to have children from a different-sex relationship earlier in life.

In those regions 14 percent of same-sex couples are raising a biological or stepchild, compared with just 11 percent in the Northeast and West. It is an odd irony that social conservatism likely contributed to the formation of many of these LGBT families.

Conversely, adoption among same-sex couples is more common in the socially liberal Northeast and West, where the legal climate is more supportive of LGBT families. Among same-sex couples with children, 20 percent have an adopted child in the Northeast, compared with 14 percent in the West and just 12 percent in the Midwest and 11 percent in the South.

The demographic diversity that we observe among same-sex parents should prompt us to broaden our understanding of the most pressing issues facing LGBT families. They likely face challenges associated with economic disadvantage including poverty, health care, nutrition, and access to quality schools.


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Why Gay Parents May Be the Best Parents

via Yahoo News, by Stephanie Pappas

Gay parents "tend to be more motivated, more committed than heterosexual parents on average, because they chose to be parents," said Abbie Goldberg, a psychologist at Clark University in Massachusetts who researches gay and lesbian parenting.

Gays and lesbians rarely become parents by accident, compared with an almost 50 percent accidental pregnancy rate among heterosexuals, Goldberg said. "That translates to greater commitment on average and more involvement."

Adopting the neediest

Gay adoption recently caused controversy in Illinois, where Catholic Charities adoption services decided in November to cease offering services because the state refused funding unless the groups agreed not to discriminate against gays and lesbians. Rather than comply, Catholic Charities closed up shop.

Catholic opposition aside, research suggests that gay and lesbian parents are actually a powerful resource for kids in need of adoption.

According to a 2007 report by the Williams Institute and the Urban Institute, 65,000 kids were living with adoptive gay parents between 2000 and 2002, with another 14,000 in foster homes headed by gays and lesbians. (There are currently more than 100,000 kids in foster care in the U.S.)

An October 2011 report by Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute found that, of gay and lesbian adoptions at more than 300 agencies, 10 percent of the kids placed were older than 6 — typically a very difficult age to adopt out.

About 25 percent were older than 3. Sixty percent of gay and lesbian couples adopted across races, which is important given that minority children in the foster system tend to linger. More than half of the kids adopted by gays and lesbians had special needs.

The report didn't compare the adoption preferences of gay couples directly with those of heterosexual couples, said author David Brodzinsky, research director at the Institute and co-editor of "Adoption By Lesbians and Gay Men: A New Dimension of Family Diversity" (Oxford University Press, 2011).

But research suggests that gays and lesbians are more likely than heterosexuals to adopt older, special-needs and minority children, he said.

Part of that could be their own preferences, and part could be because of discrimination by adoption agencies that puts more difficult children with what caseworkers see as "less desirable" parents.

No matter how you slice it, Brodzinsky told LiveScience, gays and lesbians are highly interested in adoption as a group.

The 2007 report by the Urban Institute also found that more than half of gay men and 41 percent of lesbians in the U.S. would like to adopt.

That adds up to an estimated 2 million gay people who are interested in adoption. It's a huge reservoir of potential parents who could get kids out of the instability of the foster system, Brodzinsky said.

"When you think about the 114,000 children who are freed for adoption who continue to live in foster care and who are not being readily adopted, the goal is to increase the pool of available, interested and well-trained individuals to parent these children," Brodzinsky said.

In addition, Brodzinsky said, there's evidence to suggest that gays and lesbians are especially accepting of open adoptions, where the child retains some contact with his or her birth parents.

And the statistics bear out that birth parents often have no problem with their kids being raised by same-sex couples, he added.

"Interestingly, we find that a small percentage, but enough to be noteworthy, [of birth mothers] make a conscious decision to place with gay men, so they can be the only mother in their child's life," Brodzinsky said.

Good parenting

Research has shown that the kids of same-sex couples — both adopted and biological kids — fare no worse than the kids of straight couples on mental health, social functioning, school performance and a variety of other life-success measures.

In a 2010 review of virtually every study on gay parenting, New York University sociologist Judith Stacey and University of Southern California sociologist Tim Biblarz found no differences between children raised in homes with two heterosexual parents and children raised with lesbian parents.

"There's no doubt whatsoever from the research that children with two lesbian parents are growing up to be just as well-adjusted and successful" as children with a male and a female parent," Stacey told LiveScience.

There is very little research on the children of gay men, so Stacey and Biblarz couldn't draw conclusions on those families.

But Stacey suspects that gay men "will be the best parents on average," she said.

That's a speculation, she said, but if lesbian parents have to really plan to have a child, it's even harder for gay men. Those who decide to do it are thus likely to be extremely committed, Stacey said. Gay men may also experience fewer parenting conflicts, she added.

Most lesbians use donor sperm to have a child, so one mother is biological and the other is not, which could create conflict because one mother may feel closer to the kid.

"With gay men, you don't have that factor," she said. "Neither of them gets pregnant, neither of them breast-feeds, so you don't have that asymmetry built into the relationship."

The bottom line, Stacey said, is that people who say children need both a father and a mother in the home are misrepresenting the research, most of which compares children of single parents to children of married couples.

Two good parents are better than one good parent, Stacey said, but one good parent is better than two bad parents. And gender seems to make no difference. While you do find broad differences between how men and women parent on average, she said, there is much more diversity within the genders than between them.

"Two heterosexual parents of the same educational background, class, race and religion are more like each other in the way they parent than one is like all other women and one is like all other men," she said.

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Telenovelas, Erections, and Raising Sexually Healthy Teens

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Stephen T. Russell, Ph.D

When Enrique first joined our family, we agreed to one hour of television per night. He was 13 and had been used to non-stop TV, so this was a big change.

He didn't resist, but I realize now that to him, one hour was a shocking restriction. Spanish was still his dominant language, and he chose his then-favorite nightly telenovela, Sin senos no hay paraíso.

I disguised my horror when he provided the translation (he said "boobies," which my partner and I immediately corrected with anatomically correct English).

We were just becoming a family, and we needed time to simply be together, so I committed to watching Sin senos with him each night. (I never, ever watch television.)

We sat on the sofa and watched; in a few days or weeks we had a habit of sitting with my arm around him, and during the commercials he would update me with translations of the plot.

For my part I would tease, question, and even scold him about the glamorized portrayals of sex and violence. And over time, Sin senos opened up the possibility of talking about not only sexism and violence but gender, relationships, and, of course, sex.

Much like driving in the car, watching television is an ideal time for parents and teens to talk about complicated topics.

In both settings there is often great prompting material (lyrics from popular songs, or news and world events).

The key is that such discussions can happen without eye contact: focused on the highway or some television commercial, one can muster the nerve to confront the edges of embarrassment or shame.

One night, leaning into me, with my arm around his shoulder, he turned his head into my chest in apparent embarrassment and held out a fist. He blurted, "Why does it always go like this?" and from his fist poked out his index finger.

I asked him what he meant. He repeated his question and gesture: "Why does it always go like this?"

I asked if he was talking about his penis (he nodded), and I explained what an erection is. I sighed, even chuckled a little, and told him that it was absolutely completely, totally normal, that at age 13 nearly every boy in the world experiences what he was experiencing.

"Really?" he asked? Unequivocally yes, I answered. He said, "But it happens a lot," to which I replied, "And that's totally normal." And he said, "I mean a lot." And I said, "Really? It's normal."

And he said, "I mean... a lot." And I said, "I promise you, at your age, 20 times a day is still completely normal."

I laughed a bit, but he kept his head in my chest, not looking at me. He was clearly worried and embarrassed. I asked whether he was OK, and what he thought about it.

My memory of his gesture with his finger, and of that initial dialogue, is so crystal clear -- and yet I can't remember the words he used when he told me that his uncle had told him that he was sick, that it was a sign that he was gay, that it meant that he was a sinner.

I could hardly bear to hear him say it. Whatever he told me, with his face in my chest, conveyed desperate, questioning shame.

Over the following commercial breaks and later that evening, we talked about what it means to be a boy at 13.

I told him that he wasn't the only boy at school to have unwelcome erections at inopportune times; that it was not only totally normal but healthy; that it was the same for heterosexual boys and gay boys and therefore had nothing to do with being gay; that he was not sick; and that his uncle had not told the truth.

What I do remember is how his body felt like it melted in tired relief.

I'm supposed to be an expert on adolescent sexuality -- but I never fully understood that every single day, boys and girls everywhere are taught unthinkable shame and guilt.

But there are other visions for youth and sexuality; for example, the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) affirms that sexuality is a fundamental part of being human, and its new strategic plan puts sexual health and well-being as the leading vision for creating a sexually healthy America. Shouldn't that be our vision for young people?


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Being a "Gay Dad"

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Peter Depp

I'm a dad. I am also gay man. Or, as society has labeled me, a "gay dad."

I find it incredibly amusing how the simple placement of one word in front of another word has the power to enhance it or degrade it -- especially, in this case, with such duality of perception.

It either evokes a sense of pride when used among a certain group, or used to convey a sense shame when used in disgust among others.

Fascinating, isn't it, that being referred to as a "gay dad" has the ability to enhance the connection I have with other parents -- gay or straight -- or the ability to completely disregard my parenting skills based solely on the false ideology that homosexuality is wrong.

The assumption of the latter group is that I make poor decisions in life because I'm gay -- like, how could I possibly raise children?

But at the end of the day, I am a parent to three amazing children whom I love with all my heart, and in return they love me back, because I am the only father they know.

My sexual orientation has no bearing on how I care for my children. The fact that I am gay does not mean that I am any less able to feed, water, or clothe them each day, or, most importantly, to make sure they are unconditionally loved.

Now, to be clear, there are obvious differences in being a gay dad and being a straight, "conventional" dad, beyond being more excited than your children for the latest episode of Glee.

Nonetheless, I try to do my part to raise healthy, happy, productive members of society that will one day, hopefully, reinvent the wheel by having their own family and finding their own happiness, however they choose to define it for themselves.

I want nothing more for them than to lead happy, fulfilled lives, and I feel we often get caught up in the negative aspects of this society, which hinders our ability to find our own comfort. My kids are young, but already they are proud to have a gay dad.

They're old enough to know that it's not the social norm, but with support from my ex-wife and my best friend Kristin, I try to give them the best tools to defend themselves against social ridicule.

My children will not be bullied for who I am, because I encourage them and give them the strength to be themselves, as I think every parent should do for their own children.

Being a gay dad with biological children is definitely a double-edged sword when I talk about being gay with my oldest child. My daughter Jalyn is very accepting of the fact that "Daddy likes men."

But she doesn't understand why I hid this for so long. She doesn't understand how Daddy could be afraid of anything. Being Daddy to her means you are strong, brave, and the protector of the family; it's impossible for her to fathom me being weak.

I speak open and honestly with my children now. But for the first year of coming out and dissolving my marriage, I kept both lives very separate.

There was "Gay Peter" and "Dad Peter." "Gay Peter" went to bars and dated men and tried to figure out what it's like being openly gay. "Dad Peter" made sure homework was done and children went to bed with a bedtime story. There were a lot of reasons I didn't want to come out to my kids at first.

I was still pretty ashamed of who I was and ashamed that I ruined a family over keeping it a secret. I was afraid my children were going to hate me because I left their mother and was gay. I felt they would resent me and that that would create a closed mind on their part in the way of homosexuality.

I feared that my children would become homophobic because their father ruined their lives and decided to find his own happiness, and that they would think I was selfish for doing so.

But instead, it brought my family closer together. I was fortunate to have an amazing wife, who is now my supportive ex-wife, and who was prouder than I was that I was being who I was rather than hiding it.

We have more respect and love for each other now than we ever had while being married. She is also a divorce paralegal and calls me every day and thanks me for making our divorce so easy, and I in turn thank her for not making my life a living hell by calling me a faggot to my children.


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Ready to Wed? No, Mom.

via New York Times, By Tim Murphy

For the last year, Aaron Breslow, 23, an H.I.V. project coordinator, has been dating Dan Scudellari, 26, an advertising executive. They have spent holidays with each other’s families, and enjoy searing scallops and making kale salads in their apartments in Brooklyn.

Mr. Breslow's stepmother, Lorraine Gray, wants them to marry.

They were mildly interested when New York lawmakers voted to allow same-sex marriage. Then his stepmother called. “She congratulated me on gay marriage passing and said, ‘This is a great opportunity for you,’ ” Mr. Breslow said.

But there’s a problem: Mr. Breslow, who calls himself queer rather than gay, philosophically opposes marriage. “I don’t understand the concept of legalized monogamy and normalcy,” said Mr. Breslow, who has a brother, Jacob, also gay. “My brother and I both studied queer theory.”

His stepmother, Lorraine Gray, won’t take no for an answer. “I don’t have any girls,” said Ms. Gray, 52, a psychotherapist in Oakland, Calif. Never mind that she also has two other sons, 18 and 22, who are straight. “My gay kids are more fun than my straight ones,” she said.

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What Would You Do? ABC Documents Reactions to Intolerence of Gay Families

Via Towleroad - On ABC News' latest What Would You Do?, John Quiñones presented diners with the situation of a waiter serving up some intolerance to families with gay parents.