My Name is Bear Abbott

Collecting Smiles and Counting Blessings
by Bear Abbott

I volunteer at Test Positive Aware Network where I work as a receptionist. I also do testing and counseling in one of the local bathhouses for TPAN. Through this wonderful facility, I was certified in HIV Testing and HIV Prevention and Partner Counseling. I also do speaking engagements about living with HIV and the importance of knowing your status. I’m also the office manager for one of the hottest salons/spas in Chicago - Toujours.

I'm from Texas. When the Gay Marriage Bill was defeated our governor actually stated, on the air, that “if you are gay and don't like it, you can move to another state that would better suit you and your needs.” I was appalled. But, what’s worse, he got away with it and the state rallied around him over the statement. So I took his advice, left friends and family, and moved to Chicago!

My life is obviously very different than it was even a few months ago. Where I came from being gay meant you stayed in the closet. You could “come out” to your family and friends, but as a society you had to keep your mouth shut. Walking hand in hand down a street anywhere outside of the gay neighborhood was unheard of! They carry guns down there! In Chicago I'm accepted by gay and straight people alike. Here in Chicago the majority of my friends are of the hetero persuasion. They all know I'm gay and they all know I have HIV. No one is bothered. I get to be myself! I have walked hand in hand with a man in Millennium Park and in my neighborhood and kissed a man in a very busy public area in O’Hare and no one batted an eye!

As far as life-changing experiences go let me first make this clear: I don’t do drugs and I’m as sane as you. Due to HIV, I contracted spinal meningitis and was hospitalized. On my first night home following my release I had a very different experience. As my partner slept in the next room, I "crossed over”. I was met by my Spirit Guides and all the excruciating pain I was in disappeared. I was traveling with them in a vessel that sounded like the EL when pulling up to a station. I saw many things from inside the vessel: suns, moons, stars, and solar systems. My brain contained the knowledge of the universe just like my old preacher said would happen when I die. Then there was nothing, just a black void in space. But in this void was a white shining light that didn't hurt to look at. It was calling my name.

My Spirit Guide told me not to look at the light as “it was not my time”. She concluded by saying that my reason for being in this space was to end my constant fear of dying. I had something very important left to do. I was to go back as a "healer”. Then suddenly I was back in my bed and the pain started to gradually return. I relayed this to my partner in incredible detail. From that point, doors started opening up for me in a new profession. I wanted to make a difference in the HIV community. I started training and studied Shamanism from a Practitioner. Now I am studying Buddhism.

I’d like to say to younger gay men, you are NOT "superman." AIDS is not an old gay man's disease. Most of the men who test positive in my outreach settings are in the early twenties. HIV knows no barriers. No race, creed, culture, or age. It is a human disease, affecting everyone it comes in contact with. Don't just use condoms, use your brains when you're having sex. You are not only sleeping with that one person, you are sleeping with everyone he has slept with. Just as he is sleeping with everyone you have slept with! And if you are having regular sex with numerous partners get yourself tested every 6 months. You can get it done in many places for free.

I wear my HIV status like a banner. I call it, “blessing”, not "my curse”!. I talk about living with HIV whenever I have an audience. For some reason, people listen to me and have respect for the things I talk about. I use this gift to the advantage of saving lives.

I also talk to men who are already infected. We all want to feel better. When going to your physician, make sure you write down your questions for your doctor before you see him. All of us have questions, but they’re easily forgotten when visiting the doc. Have crib notes for you visit. What good is taking meds if you don't take them as prescribed? Find a way to remind yourself. If it's a string around your finger or an alarm that goes off on your cell phone, I can't stress enough how important it is to take your meds on time.

I lived my life very recklessly before becoming positive. After having seen the "light”, I've come back as a practicing pagan with a gift of knowledge on how this world works. I truly believe that this is in all of us. Just some of us ignore the calling when the door is knocked.

My "family" is my support system. My family consists of not only my parents, but my friends and loved ones all across this country! They are always there when I need a shoulder, advice, or just someone to talk to. I am never alone. And for this, I feel truly blessed!

Motivation? Some days I don't feel like crawling out of bed. My motivation is the feeling that if I stay in bed I will miss some wonderful experience, wonderful person or a truly awesome adventure.

What makes me happy? I go out each day doing what I call "Collecting Smiles”. For example, I’m walking down the street and this seemingly angry person is walking towards me. Instead of clearing a path, I stay on the same side of the walkway. I engage this angry person with a heart felt smile or a “Good Morning!” or even a “Howdy”. This action is usually always returned with the same. I notice that the colors around this person have shifted and now they a smile. I pray that this good feeling is passed on. Pay it forward!

Simply put, this person is a metaphorical pond and I am a stone that's been dropped in it. Notice how the ripples spread out and then return to you?

It is returned to the sender. When that happens, being happy is an understatement.