Addressing Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence signifies a range of aggressive acts used by one partner in a relationship – from a nameless trick to a lifelong spouse – to maintain power and control over the other.

by David Phillips

A Queerman and Leatherman from Arlington, VA, David is a leader of the Rainbow Response Coalition: Addressing IPV among LGBTQ in Metro DC. Watch his powerful video - Rough Cut: Day 8766


With rates of prevalence exceeding that of HIV among LGBTQ people, intimate partner violence (IPV) must be addressed within the 2009 Gay Men's Health Agenda, to prevent and to heal the abuse which too many of us have known. Studies have shown that about 40 percent of Gay men and men who have sex with men have experienced IPV during their lifetimes, with half that number having experienced IPV during the last five years.

Yet, in surveying for community-based services designed for survivors of IPV, one will find very few counseling programs and virtually no legal assistance and shelter offerings prepared to serve Gay men and men who have sex with men in a welcoming and affirming manner. Notable programs that do exist for LGBTQ survivors include Fenway Community Health's Violence Recovery Program, the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's STOP Domestic Violence Services, Seattle's Northwest Network, and the advocacy of the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. If we want Gay men to be happy, healthy, and whole, the lack of available IPV services and the cycles of abuse must end.

Intimate partner violence signifies a range of aggressive acts used by one partner in a relationship – from a nameless trick to a lifelong spouse – to maintain power and control over the other. Intimate partner violence takes many forms, from hitting and verbal abuse, to rape and threats of outing one's sexual orientation, HIV status, or immigration status. IPV can be physical, emotional, sexual, or financial, but it always takes a psychological and spiritual toll on survivors.

I know this because intimate partner violence was inflicted on me over 24 years ago. A man whom I loved during college abused me physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially, coercing me into drug use, prostitution, and enduring his abuse for over a year. In 1984 there were fewer places for a Gay 18 year-old to turn, and the police were certainly not an option, particularly for someone who was not Out. My closeted state became a weapon that he used against me, just as other abusers do to their partners today.

Most of us would recognize a punch in the face, a kick in gut, or a violent sexual assault by a partner as abuse. Still, we might never see or be able to imagine more covert forms of abuse that are perpetrated every day somewhere near us between male partners.

No man should be dehumanized or talked down to by his partner. That's abuse.

No man should feel compelled to have sex that he doesn't want to have. That's abuse. BDSM without consent is battery and rape.

No man should have to sacrifice his personal safety in exchange for having his sexual orientation kept secret. That's abuse.

No man warrants having his money or possessions taken from him or destroyed to prevent him from leaving an abuser. That's more abuse.

Survivors of intimate partner violence are at increased risk for depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, suicide, problems with physical and sexual intimacy, infection with HIV and other STIs, and self-medicating with alcohol, nicotene and other drugs. We can spend years in self-doubt and confusion over why we were abused and why we stayed, answers we don't necessarily need in order to heal. However, culturally-sensitive counseling and response services--police, shelter, legal aid--can reduce the suffering which may follow survivors for decades. We need not remain prisoners of our batterers long after leaving them, and with community-based support we can recognize the abuse for what it is and begin to heal ourselves from the trauma we never asked for or deserved.

Watch David's powerful video - Rough Cut: Day 8766


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