Relationship Compatibility: The Six Lights Theory

via Ken Howard, LCSW

In my private practice as a psychotherapist, I work frequently with gay couples seeking conjoint therapy to address a variety of challenges in their relationships. Over 16 years of practice, I have come to notice certain consistent patterns in what drives conflict between either long-term couples, or couples who recently met each other and who are trying to establish a relationship. Often, the struggles in a relationship are due to something going on in how we think about the other person mentally, feel about them romantically, or respond to them sexually. I call it “The Six Lights Theory.”

It goes like this: For a relationship to be working optimally, it is as if the two partners of a relationship have three little “status lights” on their bodies that light up, kind of like a computer modem. We have one of these lights on our head (indicating how we are responding to our partner rationally, and if they stimulate us mentally); one more at our heart (indicating how we are responding to our partner emotionally and romantically, such as being in love); and one more at our crotch (indicating how we are responding to our partner with sexual feelings). The brighter the lights in each area, the more robust our response. However, whenever one of these status lights is dim or burned out, there is a problem in the relationship. For a relationship to thrive at any given time, all six lights – his three, your three — need to be shining bright.

Brian and Victor came to see me due to complaints that they hadn’t sex in a long time, and both of them were starting to seek sex outside the relationship. In the course of couples therapy, it became clear that while their “head lights” were still bright – in that both of them still enjoyed each other’s company, stimulated each other intellectually, and had great talks – and their “heart lights” were both on – in that they still considered themselves in love and committed to keeping their home together – Brian’s “crotch light” in his sexual feelings for Victor had dimmed a bit, and Victor’s “crotch light” had dimmed to almost being off for Brian. Upon exploration, it was revealed that Victor had lost some sexual interest in Brian because his body had changed over the years they were together. Brian had slowly gained a lot of weight due to a new job that had kept him at a desk long hours.

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