barebacking is for haters?

by Lorenzo Herrera y Lozano

Before you can convince people to save their lives, you have to convince them their lives are worth saving.

Phil Wilson, Black AIDS Institute

It’s been years since I believed in a vengeful supreme being with the potential and propensity to strike us down every time we break a rule or cross a line. I grew up believing that rib-created Eve took an apple and convinced her clay-made Adam to take a bite out of it. According to the story as I was taught, it’s because of Adam’s weakness, Eve’s deceitfulness (misogyny, anyone?) and the disobedience of the two of them that we are condemned to a paradise-less life.

The one bite created an avalanche of human suffering that will either end when Jesus comes back, the 100,000 or so are lifted or the Easter Bunny jumps out a bush and eats us. All we have to do now is sit tight, wait and above all… obey. Right.

Even with the absence of religion and fear in my life I continue to live in a world of serpents and forbidden apples. Call me Eve or Adam but sometimes a boy just needs to take a bit out of a plump and juicy ass. An act which, until relatively recently was punishable by law. OK, maybe not biting the ass, but certainly fucking it. So the sodomy law is gone, we celebrated, got drunk, made sure we penetrated the Supreme Court decision deep into each other. And every single one of us did so with a condom (right!), because fucking without one is the apple none of us can bite. We all know that to do so is an abomination and one of our remaining sins, even for those of us that no longer believe in sin… we know the punishment.

Now, I’m not trying to be sarcastic just for the sake of being sarcastic. I’m not trying to dismiss or belittle the importance and validity of condom use. I’m not questioning the role of prevention and education in our communities. And I’m certainly not challenging the need for us to eradicate HIV and other STD’s from our bodies.

As a (not so young anymore) Queer Xicano I have spent the last 10 years looking for my ancestors, many lost because of HIV/AIDS. I have dedicated myself professionally, artistically, academically and personally to supporting a movement to create a world free from such atrocities. Not a day goes by that I do not remember that through my veins flows the same virus that flowed through the veins of my ancestors.

I must confess, however, that I am disappointed and saddened by some of the ways that we’re going about things.

Coming of age as a young fag I was bombarded by messages telling me to be “responsible,” to “love myself,” and to “do the right thing.” It was made very clear to me from the beginning that:

1. I probably shouldn’t fuck around with too many guys, in fact, one should suffice; and

2. if I was going to be ‘promiscuous” I must always wear a condom.

But, nobody really explained why. Sure, there were the images of death, the stories of the ravaging effects HIV/AIDS has had in our communities and the loss of too many of my brothers. Yet, even with these explanations there remained an underlying tone reminiscent of my mother’s “Because I said so” days.

Today the messaging continues to be deeply engrained with moralistic statements about doing the right thing as if there is always one right way. Being in abusive relationships, negotiating power dynamics, trying to keep a roof over your head, figuring out your next meal… all are irrelevant. The bottom line: wear a condom, period.

If you’re negative, better stay that way. If we’re positive, we better remember that the responsibility of all those innocent negative people rests on our shoulders. After all, we’re the vectors of the disease. Hardly the sex-positive culture queer liberation efforts had in mind.

But then there are exceptions. Some people are unable to make the right choice because of their battles with addictions, some people down right hate themselves, some people hate everyone else, some people have serious psychological issues and then there are those that run around with the whole package of reasons. After all, why else would you make the wrong choice?

Certainly not because it feels good. No, that can’t be. We can never admit to such blasphemous ideas. We can’t have people running around thinking for themselves, questioning our morals, putting themselves in danger (negative folk) or endangering others (positive folk). After all, pleasure is not something we bring up when talking about sex, unless it’s to encourage people to make the right choice.

I’m not saying that self-destructive behaviors do not exist. I realize our choices are not always the ones with the greatest consequences and I certainly agree that substance use has the potential of clouding our judgment. Yet, I also don’t think it’s that simple.

My entire life people have told me what to do. From believing this country has always believed in freedom and liberty for all to the idea that Jesus was actually as insane as Paul would have us believe. It took me a couple of decades to realize that freedom and liberty for all has always had its small print and Jesus was actually a pretty cool dude that got a bad rap from Paul’s fucked up anti-women, anti-fag, anti-everyone-that-thought-independently writings. Similarly, I’ve stopped believing that morals-based prevention is actually that effective and conducive to human liberation. I’m no longer interested in buying the idea that wearing a condom is the right thing to do because it’s responsible, because Jesus said so or because not doing so implies that I hate myself and everyone around me.

So barebacking has become a fad. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really that exciting because it just feels better or if the experience (or thought of it!) is enhanced by the fact that fucking someone without a barrier is prohibited and punishable by gay law.

We have invested so much into narratives that claim that to love ourselves and each other is to do the right thing (wear a condom). Fear and damnation has only taken us so far and at times dragged us back a few steps. I can’t help but wonder what this world would look like if we took the time to develop narratives about how we are actually worth loving.

I don’t know of a solution and I don’t know that I will ever really figure one out. But I do enjoy thinking about what could be if we stopped condemning each other and started loving one another and sharing what we know not because we want to force people to make the decision we have declared as the right one, but because we all deserve more than a “because I said so” approach.

Who knows… maybe there’s some power behind creating a culture that nurtures and thrives on sex-positive, self-loving and informed queer men.

Until then…

Lorenzo's bio

Pues el Lorenzo was born in Califas. He lived 6 years in Chihuahua. He’s been in Austin since 2001. He’s Xicano. He’s a poet. He works at allgo. He’s getting another masters. He’s not all there. He loves men. Sometimes men love him. His blog is God is Brown.