Not The Bars - Meeting Boys Elsewhere

Time Out Chicago has a nice piece in this week's issue ("Bar. None.") about a social group for gay men in Chicago called Not The Bars. I have been meaning to check these guys out but going to bed every night at 8:30 has its drawbacks... Maybe if I get in a little afternoon disco nap at work one of these days...

Here it is for your reading pleasure...

Jim

Time Out Chicago / Issue 110: April 5–11, 2007 Bar? None. An all-inclusive gay men’s social group forgoes the bar scene. By Tony Peregrin Q-PIDS Salvo (left) and Heintzen play matchmaker. Meeting guys in bars or online is typically like a Lemony Snicket tale—it’s a series of unfortunate events. From the moment you spot him to the awkward small talk while sizing each other up, more often than not, gay men often find the search for a true connection to be exhausting. Not The Bars (notthebars.com), a new gay men’s social networking group, tethers each of its events or outings to a specific activity, like bowling or yoga, as a way to stimulate interaction via shared interests. The group seeks to pull men away from their spot along the bar wall and place them in a setting that is conducive to chatting up perfect strangers. Launched in 2006 by Erich Heintzen, 35, and Christopher Salvo, 41, NTB is a registered Google group where members (92 and counting) can post events ranging from Doggy Park Wednesdays to the Opera Club. Each month NTB sponsors a larger outing, where members from the subgroups convene to share ideas, introduce new members and just have a good time. It is at one of these larger outings—a meet and greet at Rubin Gallery in Lakeview—where I am first introduced to the group. About 20 men have gathered here, but it feels like more, due to the cozy size of the gallery, the blinding white walls and the large, imposing Technicolor paintings that dwarf us all. The men, a surprising mix of ages and ethnicities, stay within the small circles of friends they already seem to know. At first it seems like textbook bar behavior—not a good sign for a group that touts itself as “Not The Bars.” “This is pretty typical,” explains Rick Weingart, a 43-year-old real-estate broker. “At the very beginning of each event, everyone seems to socialize with people they know, but then after a while, things loosen up.” I decide to dive right in, so I move over to a group of three animated, noisy guys. One guy is in a T-shirt and True Religion jeans, another is sporting a slightly rumpled business suit, and the other guy is cloaked in a long leather jacket. Rumpled business suit asks me if this is my first time here, and I admit that it is, while True Religion jeans balks at the price of the art on display. What follows is a fairly normal exchange that includes the requisite “what do you do,” “where are you from” questions. Riveting conversation? Not especially. But NTB members aren’t looking for drama, and they’re not looking to prance around in the spotlight. These guys are looking for a connection, be it platonic or something more amorous, and they are looking to do it in a place that’s, well, not a bar (FYI, this does not mean these are necessarily dry events.). Heintzen, a therapist who counsels mostly gay men, says the No. 1 complaint he hears is how hard it is to meet other men. “My colleagues and I were trying to figure out what could be done to help meet these social needs,” he says. “A colleague of mine said, ‘Why don’t we ask them?’ So, I gathered a small group of gay single men and asked what worked and what did not work for them socially. Within two meetings, the idea for NTB was born.” Heintzen shrugs off comparisons to Chicago’s other Web-based social/networking group, the Big Gay Cocktail Club (BGCC). Despite its cartoony sounding name, the monthly rotating happy hour has been a staple on Chicago’s gay social scene for years and boasts hundreds of members. “I think the idea of connecting gay men may be the same [as BGCC], except NTB is an events-based group where people can meet and also participate in an activity,” Heintzen says. “Sometimes it’s intimidating to show up at a bar or party and rely solely on conversation skills. For some, or maybe even most people, having an event, say, Doggy Park Wednesdays, be a buffer for meeting people is helpful in breaking the ice and having something to talk about.” Go to notthebars.com for a schedule of NTB events.