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Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in hisprofile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years.Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang [Threesomes and Groupsex]

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, I am 37 years old and I am starting to date a guy who is 38. We met online, then we met in person two times. I like the guy, (and he likes me too) he is smart and sweet, also good looking and sexy BUT, I just noticed that in his profile online he states that he is up for threesomes and group sex. That "ain't" my cup of tea and that is making me doubt him. Will I be enough for him? Is this a recipe for disaster? Do people with that kind of behavior ever settle down and want to have a family? Does this behavior suggest a cheater? Should I run or stay put? Should I ask him about it? Any advice / guidance in the matter would be appreciated. Thank you, Stephen



Dear Stephen,

I imagine you are disappointed in discovering your new romantic interest's sexual proclivities. The first thought that occurred to me is if you met him online, did you not see this part of his profile indicating what he likes sexually? I often find that it is very common for people who so intensely want to find a mate to exhibit what's called "selective attention" when they are seeking out potential partners. In other words, there is a tendency to ignore red flags and only focus on what the person looks like, and other attributes that are highly desirable. So the important lesson here is to pay attention to the whole package and be honest with yourself about what is important to you in selecting a mate and sustaining a relationship.

OK, so now that you are paying more attention to this part of who he is and what he likes to do sexually, you have lots of valid concerns. You are asking very important questions about what it all means about who he is and his capacity to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want for yourself. My best advice for you is to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you have learned from his profile. Ask him all of the questions on your mind, as well as about his past experience with these behaviors. Let him know what your concerns are and see how he responds. Do not judge him for having interests that are different than your own. Yet it is important that if you hear anything that is of concern for you to be honest with yourself about that and be willing to let him go. It will be hard at first but you will avoid much greater heartache down the road. You will also avoid condemning yourself for making the wrong decision about staying with him, having known of his sexual interests from the beginning.

I wish you the best in sorting this out and encourage you to let your inner guide lead you.






Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Does he want a Woman?

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Dear Alan, My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for two years. We are in our longest time span together now and things were going great until last week. I was using his computer and stumbled upon some pictures of me and of naked women. I freaked out and asked him about it. He said that he used to want a traditional family, with a wife and kids, but that he doesn't anymore. He told me he is in love with me and that is all he needs. He also said that sometimes he likes to masturbate to naked women. But thinking about it, I realize that he never bottoms or reciprocates during sex with me. I left his apartment and haven't talked to him in 3 days.

Am I over-reacting? I've heard dating bisexual people is way more complicated and have vowed never to do it. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, or how to get past this.

Please help.

Craig



Dear Craig,

I can imagine how frustrating and confusing this must be for you. It is good that you asked your boyfriend about what you discovered. Sexuality is very complex and sexual orientation is influenced by many factors, including sexual/erotic attractions, sexual behavior, psychological and emotional attachments, sexual fantasies, and community affiliations. Everyone falls somewhere across a spectrum of how they identify their sexual orientation and all of these factor play a role in that. (Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale?) It appears that your boyfriend falls somewhere in the middle range of the scale but that is for him to figure out. There are many ways that partners who don't fall exactly on the same point of the scale create a sexually harmonius relationship. What you need to decide for yourself is what your tolerance is for a partner whose sexual identity doesn't exactly match yours.

Now in my opinion Craig, there are bigger issues that may be going on with you and your boyfriend that are about honesty and trust. I'm curious about why you guys have an off and on relationship, how it is that you "stumbled" upon those pictures, and the nature of the communication that goes on between you both. I recommend having conversations together about this as these relationship qualities are more likely to determine the longevity and mutual fulfillment of the relationship than the specifics of your respective sexual orientation identifications.

My best wishes for you and your boyfriend as you explore these very important issues.

Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for seven years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang: Finding Love When You're Positive

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here! *All private information is kept confidential


Alan, I am a 28-year-old gay man. I came out when I was 18 and since then I've been pretty satisfied with dating and romance. I've always been confident and comfortable with my sexuality. I recently tested HIV-positive and now feel like I have to come out all over again. I've taken a break from dating and now find myself afraid of how people will react when I tell them about my status. I don't know what the rules are. What do I say and when do I say it? And, if safe sex really is safe, do I have to tell them at all? And mostly I'm afraid (although I know it sounds crazy) that no one's ever going to love me again. Can you give me some guidance? --Mark



Dear Mark,

I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. An HIV diagnosis is life-changing in so many ways. Many positive gay men describe the experience exactly the same as you do: another “coming out.” It is complicated and painful. I’m glad you are reaching out for support.

You’ve asked several questions so let me address them one at a time. First, the question of how and when to disclose your status is very complex. Disclosing anything of a personal nature about oneself is a deeply vulnerable thing to do and requires careful consideration of the situation, who is involved, their need to know, your trust in the other person, and how you’ll cope with the outcome if it is not favorable. There really are no established rules about how and when to disclose. It is a very personal choice. Some prefer to put it out there right up front before getting too involved to avoid possible rejection later when they might be more attached to the person. Some prefer to wait until they feel if there is mutual interest and that the relationship is going somewhere. You may have to experiment with both approaches and see what is most comfortable for you.

Your question about whether to disclose your HIV status or not at all is also a personal choice that involves many considerations. My best advice for you is to consider your personal integrity and choose what is most aligned with that. This may include thinking about what and when you would want to know if you were the other person.

Finally, your fear that no one is ever going to love you again doesn’t sound crazy at all. Many who recently test positive feel this way. I imagine you feel like your entire identity is defined by this virus. But with time, you will come to know that you are not "HIV." You are a lovable and complete man living with a chronic (for now) health condition. Also, in my experience working with hundreds of gay men, I have found that most who are positive are fine with dating another positive man and that even most who are negative are open to the possibility.

I encourage you to continue to reach out for support and maybe even join a support group if there is one in your community. If you can’t find one, there is a lot of support available online. Also, be patient with yourself as adjusting to a new diagnosis takes time and self-compassion.








Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

New LifeLube Column: Dating and Mating with Alan Irgang!!!

Ask Alan about love, romance, and relationships (and anything) else here!
*All private information is kept confidential

This is my inaugural column for LifeLube. As I sit here staring at a blank screen wondering what I can say to you, reader, about the vast subject of love, romance, and relationships, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There is so much to tell you. As a psychotherapist for 15 years, I have devoted much of my practice to the mystery of love. How to find it, sustain it, give it, receive it, savor it, lose it, and on and on. I have learned a lot over the years from my clients, countless books, articles, seminars, and from my own personal struggles with it. Yet I always return to the question, "Why is love so difficult?" The resounding response that repeatedly occurs to me is simply, "LIFE is difficult. And LIFE is LOVE. Therefore, LOVE is difficult." (Ah yes of course, the Transitive Property of Mathematics!)


OK, so let's start with the premise that LOVE is difficult. Now where do we go? It's deplorable that in our culture, our education curriculum includes so little to prepare us for Life's most important experience. Yet we sit through endless class periods of subjects that might be cool to learn about, but offer no real guidance about the things that really matter. "Oh that, dear students, you'll have to learn on your own. We don't teach that here." As an adult, I complained about this, quite vocally out loud for a long time until I decided to do something about it. So years ago, I created a coaching class of sorts for gay men about navigating the challenges of dating, romance, and love. It was wildly successful and well received. Knowing I was on the right track, I began offering it to people of all genders and sexual orientations. Over time, I came to realize that regardless of the diversity inherent among all of us, we are all looking for the same thing: To love and be loved. Together, through the sharing of experience, and learning new ways of thinking about and creating love and romance, we can unlock the mystery of the greatest challenge and most rewarding gift of our lifetimes.

So, I offer this forum to you, the seeker of Love. This is your place to ask a question, seek advice, or simply to see if you're on the right track. Know that you are not alone and that your curiosities will be shared by countless others who can relate and identify. Here we can create that class that we should have been offered in school and learn from each other. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you...

Alan Irgang, LCSW is a psychotherapist and “dating coach” in private practice in Chicago. He is also on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Social Work where he teaches graduate level courses in Human Sexuality. Alan has been in private practice since 1998 and has been facilitating groups for singles about dating and relationships for six years. Check out his website www.alanirgang.com for more information about his practice and his upcoming seminars for singles. Questions may be submitted to Alan at lifelube@gmail.com; all private information will be kept confidential.

Am I Too Old to Find Love?

365gay.com has a great advice section, with thoughtful insights on gay love by Joe Kort - check it out!



I’m 58 and have never had a lover, though I’ve always dreamed of having one. Surely I must be doing something wrong? But I feel I’ve waited too long, and that today’s gay culture won’t now be interested in an old guy. It seems that “attractive” and “successful” are the only attributes anyone cares about.

Am I unique in this search? I live alone, have no relatives and few friends-most of them straight and most of them only at work.

- Singled-In in Spartanburg

Dear Singled-In,

I want to help you become singled OUT! So many gay men tell me they want a relationship, but what they really want is a meaningful overnight relationship! They don’t consciously realize it, but their behavior says so, loud and clear. From childhood on up. Western culture is brainwashed to believe that we cannot be happy unless we can maintain a committed relationship. Well, that’s not so! Yes, it’s nice to have a partner, someone you can go through life with-if that is what you want. But it’s not for everyone. So really the first question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I really want a partner?” Really?

Read the rest...