Being a "Gay Dad"

via HuffPost Gay Voices, by Peter Depp

I'm a dad. I am also gay man. Or, as society has labeled me, a "gay dad."

I find it incredibly amusing how the simple placement of one word in front of another word has the power to enhance it or degrade it -- especially, in this case, with such duality of perception.

It either evokes a sense of pride when used among a certain group, or used to convey a sense shame when used in disgust among others.

Fascinating, isn't it, that being referred to as a "gay dad" has the ability to enhance the connection I have with other parents -- gay or straight -- or the ability to completely disregard my parenting skills based solely on the false ideology that homosexuality is wrong.

The assumption of the latter group is that I make poor decisions in life because I'm gay -- like, how could I possibly raise children?

But at the end of the day, I am a parent to three amazing children whom I love with all my heart, and in return they love me back, because I am the only father they know.

My sexual orientation has no bearing on how I care for my children. The fact that I am gay does not mean that I am any less able to feed, water, or clothe them each day, or, most importantly, to make sure they are unconditionally loved.

Now, to be clear, there are obvious differences in being a gay dad and being a straight, "conventional" dad, beyond being more excited than your children for the latest episode of Glee.

Nonetheless, I try to do my part to raise healthy, happy, productive members of society that will one day, hopefully, reinvent the wheel by having their own family and finding their own happiness, however they choose to define it for themselves.

I want nothing more for them than to lead happy, fulfilled lives, and I feel we often get caught up in the negative aspects of this society, which hinders our ability to find our own comfort. My kids are young, but already they are proud to have a gay dad.

They're old enough to know that it's not the social norm, but with support from my ex-wife and my best friend Kristin, I try to give them the best tools to defend themselves against social ridicule.

My children will not be bullied for who I am, because I encourage them and give them the strength to be themselves, as I think every parent should do for their own children.

Being a gay dad with biological children is definitely a double-edged sword when I talk about being gay with my oldest child. My daughter Jalyn is very accepting of the fact that "Daddy likes men."

But she doesn't understand why I hid this for so long. She doesn't understand how Daddy could be afraid of anything. Being Daddy to her means you are strong, brave, and the protector of the family; it's impossible for her to fathom me being weak.

I speak open and honestly with my children now. But for the first year of coming out and dissolving my marriage, I kept both lives very separate.

There was "Gay Peter" and "Dad Peter." "Gay Peter" went to bars and dated men and tried to figure out what it's like being openly gay. "Dad Peter" made sure homework was done and children went to bed with a bedtime story. There were a lot of reasons I didn't want to come out to my kids at first.

I was still pretty ashamed of who I was and ashamed that I ruined a family over keeping it a secret. I was afraid my children were going to hate me because I left their mother and was gay. I felt they would resent me and that that would create a closed mind on their part in the way of homosexuality.

I feared that my children would become homophobic because their father ruined their lives and decided to find his own happiness, and that they would think I was selfish for doing so.

But instead, it brought my family closer together. I was fortunate to have an amazing wife, who is now my supportive ex-wife, and who was prouder than I was that I was being who I was rather than hiding it.

We have more respect and love for each other now than we ever had while being married. She is also a divorce paralegal and calls me every day and thanks me for making our divorce so easy, and I in turn thank her for not making my life a living hell by calling me a faggot to my children.


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A look at gay adoption

via So So Gay, By Claire Connor

It has become almost impossible to get from cover to cover in an LGBT magazine without being confronted by advertisements that claim to assist the community in creating a family.

Countless services declare their ability to make the process not only seamless, but also, in their glossy spreads, glamorous. Photographs of cute, giggling babies veil the serious side to starting a family.There are a great many children in care who need to be adopted.

And what are these advertisements offering? Rarely adoption. These agencies want to make money. Purchase a womb in the form of a surrogate, purchase some sperm, purchase a turkey baster (or rather, ‘insemination kit’); purchase pretty much anything one needs to create a baby. What gets forgotten, however, is the option of starting a family with a child that already exists. There is a danger of people who read these magazines getting the impression that adoption no longer happens.

The gay press undoubtedly has a responsibility to recognise the fact that, due to their need for revenue, they are in danger of becoming responsible for a trend in expensive surrogacy and co-parenting arrangements when there are a great many children in care who need to be adopted. It is a particularly important issue to address, when the process is now simpler than ever for gay people.

In 2002, the Adoption and Children Act passed into law and it became legal for unmarried couples, including gay couples, to apply for joint adoption. The law came into effect in 2005. Since 2007, other laws have been in place which make it unlawful for any providers of goods and services to discriminate on the grounds of sexual orientation. These continue to be protected under the Equality Act 2010.

Although gay men and lesbians will face a number of the same issues when thinking about starting a family, the obvious biological advantage that women hold means they are far more likely to go down the ‘natural’ route. Sadly, adoption is not always the first choice.

Gay men are more likely to consider adopting a child. Peter, 50, and David, 46, met in a London nightclub in 1997. Peter was living in Scotland at the time, but had been considering moving to London. Meeting David was the push he needed. After a few years together, the couple started to seriously think about starting a family. ‘Heterosexual contemporaries were starting to have kids so you start to feel that it is that time in your life’, Peter says. Over three years ago, the couple adopted biological brothers Carlos and PJ when they were six and two and a half years old respectively.

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Outrage as picture of Elton John's baby is covered with shield by U.S. supermarket to 'protect children'

A U.S. supermarket sparked outrage today after it covered with a 'family shield' a magazine showing a picture of Elton John, his husband and their newborn baby.

The Arkansas store deemed the image of the gay couple and their child, on the front of Us Weekly, to be offensive. Staff say complaints from shoppers prompted them to cover the magazine with the 'shield' - the same method used to cover pornographic magazines. The move today triggered fury among gay rights campaigners.

The magazine cover shows Elton and his husband David Furnish, 48, proudly showing off their baby Zachary Jackson Levi Furnish John who was born on Christmas Day via a surrogate mother.

The Harps grocery store in Mountain Home, Arkansas even wrapped last week's edition of the magazine in a protective plastic shield to stop youngsters flicking through it.

Only the very top of the magazine was visible, with the cover reading: 'Family shield. To protect young Harps shoppers.' The move has sparked outrage among representatives from GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation).

Local resident Jennifer Huddleston took a photo of the shield and posted it on Plixi. This was taken at my local grocery store,' she wrote. 'I was shocked and horrified.

'They are saying they need to keep children from seeing it, because it is a gay family.' Ms Huddleston then tweeted Anderson Cooper, Kathy Griffin, Ellen DeGeneres, The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), the ACLU and a number of other gay rights activists. The picture immediately sparked controversy across the blogosphere.

But a company spokesperson defended the shield, saying Harps bosses reacted in response to 'several' customer complaints at that particular store. He insisted the move was 'in no way our opinion on this issue', adding, 'we do not have an opinion on this issue.'

But others were quick to complain about the shield, with many urging a boycott of the chain. Even international news outlets carried the story. Canadian newspaper the Globe and Mail wrote: 'Heaven forbid your seven-year-old, while waiting in line with you at the grocery store checkout, be exposed to the gays.'

And British paper the Sun wrote: 'Either Elton's baby is in some way offensive or there's some serious homophobia going on here.' After receiving a plethora of complaints, the store management have taken action and un-censored the magazine.

'In this case our store manager received some complaints and, as has been our custom, placed the shield over the cover of the magazine', said Kim Eskew, president of Harps Food Stores Inc.

'When we began receiving complaints at our corporate office, we reivewed the magazine in question, removed the shield and are selling the magazine in all our locations today without any shield', Ms Eskew added.

The shields are usually placed over adult magazines with racy covers. 'Our true intention is not to offend anyone in our stores and this incident happened at just one of our 65 locations, which when brought to our attention we reversed', Ms Eskew said in a written statement.

Just last week Elton John publicly bemoaned feeling like a 'second-class citizen' in the U.S. because of his sexuality and said he was 'fed-up' about it. During a performance at a Beverly Hills fundraiser to help the legal challenge to California's gay marriage back Elton said: 'As I get older, I get more angry about it'.

Elton and his husband David Furnish have been together for 17 years and were married in a lavish ceremony in 2005. He recently shared how he is coping with life with a new baby.'Fatherhood is fantastic', he said. 'It's been the most wonderful thing that's happened to me after meeting David'.

He said that being a dad is 'surprisingly relaxing'.'This little soul that you're feeding, changing, bathing and telling bedtime stories to is a blank canvas', Elton shared.'And all it needs is love and nurturing. When he gets to talking and running around, I will probably feel a little different.'

Read the full article here.

I got all my sisters with me: But Are We Family?

Are gay couples "family?"

As much as Americans revere the family, they differ sharply on how to define it.

New research being released Wednesday shows steadily increasing recognition of unmarried couples – gay and straight – as families. 

 

But there’s a solid core resisting this trend who are more willing to include pets in their definition than same-sex partners.

 

How “family” is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights and countless other matters.

 

The new research on the topic is contained in a book-length study, “Counted Out: Same-Sex Relations and Americans’ Definition of Family” and in a separate 2010 survey overseen by the book’s lead author, Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell.

 

Between 2003 and 2010, three surveys conducted by Powell’s team showed a significant shift toward counting same-sex couples with children as family – from 54 percent of respondents in 2003 to 68 percent in 2010. In all, more than 2,300 people were surveyed.

 

Powell linked the changing attitudes to a 10 percent rise between 2003 and 2010 in the share of survey respondents who reported having a gay friend or relative.

 

Read the rest on 365gay.com

Neil Patrick Harris, Mickey Mouse, Babies, Apple Pie, and the Power of "Normal"

via PopEater, by John Mitchell

Over the weekend, Neil Patrick Harris and his partner of six years, actor David Burtka, announced that they will welcome twins into their family this fall. "So, get this: David and I are expecting twins this fall. We're super excited/nervous/thrilled. Hoping the press can respect our privacy..." Harris tweeted shortly after E! Online broke the news.

When the twins arrive, Harris and Burtka will become the highest-profile gay parents in the country. For the gay community, this is a very good thing. Harris has defied the odds since coming out of the closet; his career has never been better, and by all accounts he is arguably among the more universally-beloved actors working today. People love NPH. He and Burtka exude a normalcy uncommon in media representations of gay men, and with their committed relationship and career successes, they continue to tear down the stereotypes that haunt the gay community and keep GLBT persons from enjoying the same rights and freedoms as their straight allies.

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Gay Workers Will Get Time to Care for Partner’s Sick Child

via New York Times, by Robert Pear

President Obama will soon expand the rights of gay workers by allowing them to take family and medical leave to care for sick or newborn children of same-sex partners, administration officials said Monday.

The policy will be set forth in a ruling to be issued Wednesday by the Labor Department’s wage and hour division, the officials said.

Under a 1993 law, people who work for a company with 50 or more employees are generally entitled to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a newborn or for a spouse, son or daughter with “a serious health condition.”

The new ruling indicates that an employee in a same-sex relationship can qualify for leave to care for the child of his or her partner, even if the worker has not legally adopted the child.

The ruling, in a formal opinion letter, tackles a question not explicitly addressed in the 1993 law. It is one of many actions taken by the Obama administration to respond to the concerns of gay men and lesbians within the constraints of the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman as husband and wife.

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Gay Dads Get Some Love From the Big O

Obama Recognizes Gay Dads

via Religion Dispatches, by Candace Chellew-Hodge

When President Obama issued his statement  this past weekend in recognition of Father's Day, he mentioned one class of fathers that no other president before him has acknowledged: gay dads.

    Nurturing families come in many forms, and children may be raised by a father and mother, a single father, two fathers, a stepfather, a grandfather, or caring guardian.

His acknowledgement of the labor of love two men may put into their relationship with their children drew quick reaction from the "pro-family" but anti-gay set. Christian Broadcasting Network White House Correspondent David Brody tsk-tsked the president, warning he's alienating religious folks:

    First of all, by putting "two fathers" in your proclamation you are really running the risk of alienating networks of pastors and church goers who may buy into the President's overall but draw the line when it comes to traditional marriage. You put these normally supportive pastors in a tough situation because the fact of the matter is the whole 'two fathers' scenario DOES NOT play well in most Churches in America. And that is completely understandable.

My first reaction to that concern was, "welcome to our world." The LGBT community has been alienated from most of the world for the majority of history, so pastors and churchgoers who balk at the president's words can enjoy, just for a moment, our reality. Alienation is something we're familiar with — kicked out of our families, kicked out of our churches, fired for being who we are, denied housing for being who we are, denied the rights and responsibilities of marriage. You want alienation? Mr. Brody, the line starts behind me.

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Report: Gay couples similar to straight spouses

via AP, by Lisa Leff

Same-sex couples who identify as married are similar to straight spouses in terms of age and income, and nearly one-third of them are raising children, according to Census data released Monday that provides a demographic snapshot of gay families in America.

The study released by a think tank based at UCLA also found that Utah and Wyoming were among the states with the highest percentages of gay spouses in 2008, despite being heavily conservative states with no laws providing legal recognition of gay relationships.

The data from the annual American Community Survey showed that nearly 150,000 same-sex couples in the U.S., or more than one in four, referred to one another as "husband" or "wife," although UCLA researchers estimate that no more than 32,000 of the couples were legally married.

The couples had an average age of 52 and household incomes of $91,558, while 31 percent were raising children. That compares with an average age of 50, household income of $95,075 and 43 percent raising children for married heterosexual couples.

Reflections on HIV and Gay Men Makin' Babies

by Anne Statton

We all know that some gay men either have babies, want to have babies or are involved in a vajayjay situation that could result in a baby.

There is this taboo we’ve seen and heard about where positive folks think that people are judging them for wanting to have a baby when there is a community of HIV/OB providers out there who would love to talk to couples who would like to plan a pregnancy and make sure that everyone is healthy and conception takes place in a way that is healthiest for both parties regardless of HIV status.

A lot of docs who see men who identify as gay might never raise the baby question, and gay men might feel weird or that their orientation would be questioned if they asked about pregnancy. Not to mention the stigma that bi folks suffer and often would prefer to be identified as one or the other than endure the stigma of disclosure.

I remember long talks with our beloved late advocate Hector Gonzalez who really wanted to have a baby. We talked about logistics, what would be involved, etc. and it really brought him some comfort to know that he could safely consider having a baby and that there was a community of providers that would support him and his partner in that decision, whenever he was ready.

--- Anne Statton is Executive Director Pediatric AIDS Chicago Prevention Initiative

[Check out the Illinois Perinatal HIV Hotline website for all kinds of info on pregnancy and HIV.]

Gay Families Find the Bronx Is a Place to Call Home

[we've been meaning to post this item for a week - here it is!]

Julian Rodriguez, left, and his partner, Joel Jusino, at a relative’s home with
Mr. Rodriguez’s daughters Leanne, 9, left, and Julie, 11.

For Julian Rodriguez, it was never a question: He has lived in the borough since he was 3. “I feel more comfortable because the demographic is more what I’m used to, with my neighbors playing dominoes and the Spanish music,” said Mr. Rodriguez, who has two daughters from a previous marriage. “I feel like I’m at home with my culture.”

There may be as many reasons for same-sex couples to settle in the Bronx as there are same-sex couples there — almost 3,000, according to a demographic snapshot by the Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy at the University of California, Los Angeles. Forty-nine percent of those couples have children. Many said they chose the Bronx for similar reasons as their straight neighbors: affordability, space, racial affinity, familiarity.

Read the whole article on the New York Times.